We had our weekly team meeting yesterday. Yes, the day after Christmas, we had to meet and present on every one of our patients. It was a long day. In order to have said team meeting, Medicare mandates that a doctor, nurse, social worker, and chaplain must all be present. If any of the core group is missing, you cannot meet and officially collaborate on each patient. Anyways, our team chaplain was out of town last week. So we had a PRN chaplain fill in and sit through our meeting. He was very nice and polite. He gave a devotion, prayer, and then some comments as we discussed each case.
Then...about an hour into the dullness, he starts laughing. Not just a giggle, but an out and out roar. We were all slightly confused as nothing terribly funny had just been spoken. Finally, through his tear filled laughter he said, "do you all realize you are sitting on millions?" "These stories, these people, you could make millions on a book from the few stories I've heard today."
Laughter slowly spread across the room. I get used to a certain level of crazy in this job. I go into people's homes and spend time in their story at a very critical juncture. And people, are always people, dying or not.
We laughed as we realized how these stories might sound to a new person listening. He had not heard about the rooster chasing me across the yard, in the middle of the city. He didn't know the man had a security camera on his back yard connected to his large screen television so he watched me run from this rooster.
The chaplain wasn't aware that we had a patient whose son gave him a gun and told him to kill himself. He hadn't heard the story of another patient whose family members drive by their loved ones home for eight months and never stopped. Suddenly when they are dying, they are at the bedside wondering what went wrong.
This chaplain didn't know about my veteran who won't let me take a pen into his home for fear of me writing any information about him. Or my 100 year old who is sharper then me. I told our patient we were giving her daughter some medicine to help her sleep, the patient told me, it would be neat for me to give her daughter a pill that would make the patient sleep.
Then, oh, then, we have the people who I need to inform they are dying. Or the ones who yell about everything. Or the rich who think they can "buy" good care for us. (I assure you we give good care to them all). Or the homeless woman we have in a shelter right now. Or...my list goes on.
Just my caseload of thirty or forty a week. My team serves eighty to ninety. This hospice on any given day has over 900 patients.
I had this idea that working here would be a time of reflection. A time where dying people impart wisdom and I get the benefit of listening. As a friend said recently, I thought it would be whimsical. A good word I thought. And as I looked up the definition I found it to be an accurate description after all.
Hospice = whimsical: Full of, or characterized by, whims; actuated by a whim; having peculiar notions; strange; freakish.
So to the outsider looking in they say, "oh I don't know how you can do that job, doesn't it get to you."
Yes, my friends, it does, but not because of the dying people. It's those whimsical living ones who are hard to handle.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Christmas Day
Well, it's already been Christmas at our house, twice. You see our whirlwind life involves me working both Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas, while managing to squeeze a 4-5 hour trip to Panama City on Christmas Day. This meant none of these days would work for Natalie to wake up at her house with her "Santa" and family presents. This Saturday, Chris is running 23 miles so we couldn't have our Christmas then. What day is left you wonder? Well, last Friday. I took the day off work and we had our Christmas. Yesterday, Chris' parents stopped here on their way to Panama City and we had another Christmas. Natalie will have opened a lot of presents by Thursday. It's been great and I must post some pictures before Natalie's KK shoots me from WV. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas whatever day you celebrate it! :-)
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Christmas tree adventures
One pic from the mall seeing Santa with KK and Papaw:
We finally got our tree up earlier this week. I am just now putting some of the pictures on the blog. Natalie is funny. There are a lot of words to describe her, but funny is usually the first. One of the girls from church told me today that she will never be good at poker because her face is so expressive. She is so very right. Some recent things that Natalie has told us is:
"Shoo wee, I've had a busy day."
"Everyone cover your eyes....good job people."
In the line at Target, "hey Mommy when you hold me and not let me walk, it hurts my booty booty."
Yeah, that's my kid. Anyways, putting up the tree was just all the more funny. When Chris started pulling stuff out of the attic, Natalie said, "wait daddy, let me get ready and I help you." This is what I found a few minutes later:
This is how she enjoys eating cookies:
And this is where she spent most of her time while we decorating the tree:
Finally, she ends the evening pondering life while drinking "daddy's warm chocolate." You can't call it hot chocolate, she'll never drink it because "it's too hot."
We finally got our tree up earlier this week. I am just now putting some of the pictures on the blog. Natalie is funny. There are a lot of words to describe her, but funny is usually the first. One of the girls from church told me today that she will never be good at poker because her face is so expressive. She is so very right. Some recent things that Natalie has told us is:
"Shoo wee, I've had a busy day."
"Everyone cover your eyes....good job people."
In the line at Target, "hey Mommy when you hold me and not let me walk, it hurts my booty booty."
Yeah, that's my kid. Anyways, putting up the tree was just all the more funny. When Chris started pulling stuff out of the attic, Natalie said, "wait daddy, let me get ready and I help you." This is what I found a few minutes later:
This is how she enjoys eating cookies:
And this is where she spent most of her time while we decorating the tree:
Finally, she ends the evening pondering life while drinking "daddy's warm chocolate." You can't call it hot chocolate, she'll never drink it because "it's too hot."
Friday, December 12, 2008
Natalie vs Restaurant Trash Can
Round 1 goes to:
The Trash Can
The first picture is last night after we got home. The second is this morning. She was smiling more and said, "Mommy my owie is all better and my owie is still an owie." I'll have to check her baby book to see if there is a spot for first black eye.
The Trash Can
The first picture is last night after we got home. The second is this morning. She was smiling more and said, "Mommy my owie is all better and my owie is still an owie." I'll have to check her baby book to see if there is a spot for first black eye.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Secrets
Today one of my patients gave me a piece of her story. She said she needed to talk and asked her family to leave. I pulled my chair close to her, held her hand and let her cry. I let her tell me how mad she is at it.
It is the pain, the cancer, the signs, the symptoms, herself ignoring all of these things. I just let her cry and be mad.
Then, she handed me her secret. To me, it came out of nowhere. It wasn’t in context with our conversation. It was as if her wall around her heart crashed in all the madness and her secret tumbled out of her mouth. She said it. She told me. Details that she has never shared. Ever. We talked about it. I listened and wiped her tears. I listened some more and was teary eyed with her. I prayed.
Then she said she thought she would have understood it by now, in her old age. I gently suggested there are some things in life, which are so horrible, they are not meant to be understood. I threw a different light on her secret. We spun it around and looked at all the protection she had offered to others because of it. She told me she hadn’t thought about that protection she had given to so many.
Her entire being changed. Peace and freedom washed over her face. Her body relaxed and she told me she felt better now. Tired, but better. I stood to leave feeling like I needed to stay and hold her hand. I felt as if I should say something profound and well thought out. None of that came to me. She was tired. I bent down, wiped her hair away from her face, kissed her and told her that I loved her. She kissed me back and I knew I had to leave.
I was privileged enough to be holding her secret. And it was long past time for her to let it go.
It is the pain, the cancer, the signs, the symptoms, herself ignoring all of these things. I just let her cry and be mad.
Then, she handed me her secret. To me, it came out of nowhere. It wasn’t in context with our conversation. It was as if her wall around her heart crashed in all the madness and her secret tumbled out of her mouth. She said it. She told me. Details that she has never shared. Ever. We talked about it. I listened and wiped her tears. I listened some more and was teary eyed with her. I prayed.
Then she said she thought she would have understood it by now, in her old age. I gently suggested there are some things in life, which are so horrible, they are not meant to be understood. I threw a different light on her secret. We spun it around and looked at all the protection she had offered to others because of it. She told me she hadn’t thought about that protection she had given to so many.
Her entire being changed. Peace and freedom washed over her face. Her body relaxed and she told me she felt better now. Tired, but better. I stood to leave feeling like I needed to stay and hold her hand. I felt as if I should say something profound and well thought out. None of that came to me. She was tired. I bent down, wiped her hair away from her face, kissed her and told her that I loved her. She kissed me back and I knew I had to leave.
I was privileged enough to be holding her secret. And it was long past time for her to let it go.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Good to be home
After crazy work days, busy church days, and chasing Natalie days, it's good to be at home. Right now, I can hear my mom and Natalie setting the table for breakfast. I love hearing Natalie say, "oh KK, I help. Papaw, I have the blue plate." Yesterday we had so many family over for Thanksgiving we had to eat at the church. 32 people. All of them family. I also had to laugh because Uncle Rob, Aunt Pam and their family ate with us. Ten years ago they would have been welcome there, but they would have been Pastor Rob and Pam. Now, with my marriage to Chris, they are family too.
Time did what it always does and moved much too fast. I could have sat for hours with just a few people, my grandparents, my cousins, their kids, and just catch up. The last time I saw some of the family was last Thanksgiving. I hate that about living away from home. I do love Jacksonville, but I will always miss home. I'll miss random get togethers with friends I grew up with. Most of us left here after high school, but of my close high school friends all have moved back to the local area but me. It's good to be closer though. It's good to see them and pick up where we left off. It's good to meet new babies and realize how much you love your friend's children. It's good to see new homes and familiar faces. It's good for the soul to be home. It's also good for the belly. I'm smelling my Dad's breakfast and it's calling me away from this blog...happy day everyone!
Time did what it always does and moved much too fast. I could have sat for hours with just a few people, my grandparents, my cousins, their kids, and just catch up. The last time I saw some of the family was last Thanksgiving. I hate that about living away from home. I do love Jacksonville, but I will always miss home. I'll miss random get togethers with friends I grew up with. Most of us left here after high school, but of my close high school friends all have moved back to the local area but me. It's good to be closer though. It's good to see them and pick up where we left off. It's good to meet new babies and realize how much you love your friend's children. It's good to see new homes and familiar faces. It's good for the soul to be home. It's also good for the belly. I'm smelling my Dad's breakfast and it's calling me away from this blog...happy day everyone!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Congratulations!!!
Okay, I'm swiping this picture from Megan's blog because I had to introduce my few readers to my now favorite boy! Congrats Kyle and Megan, Carter is so handsome! I wish I could tell you all how much we love him! Enjoy your sleepless nights...we love you all too!
Sunday, November 09, 2008
If you would ask me
I'd tell you that I have found myself frustrated this week. I'm frustrated with many things, but mostly with the election. Now, to be totally honest, I really am not bothered that Obama won. I walked in the booth on Tuesday still wrestling with who to vote for. I had serious reservations about both of them. I also saw qualities I really liked in both candidates.
What has bothered me is this hailing of Obama as the first black president. Rather then celebrating a world where race was not an issue, where two people of differing races created a child who is half of both of them, the media and to an extent, Obama, has chosen to ignore that he is as much white as black. I am much more excited to have him in office because he is living proof that when races join together, good things happen and people move forward.
I do not believe him getting elected is a true fulfillment of Martin Luther King's dream. Why? Because I have heard over and over and over that many people voted for him because of his color. They voted to shatter the glass ceiling and make history.
Really? This man promised to help the poor, provide health care to millions, and to end a war. And some Americans voted for him simply because of his color.
If you ask me, I am sad.
I'm still looking for the day we vote for someone, not based on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character.
What has bothered me is this hailing of Obama as the first black president. Rather then celebrating a world where race was not an issue, where two people of differing races created a child who is half of both of them, the media and to an extent, Obama, has chosen to ignore that he is as much white as black. I am much more excited to have him in office because he is living proof that when races join together, good things happen and people move forward.
I do not believe him getting elected is a true fulfillment of Martin Luther King's dream. Why? Because I have heard over and over and over that many people voted for him because of his color. They voted to shatter the glass ceiling and make history.
Really? This man promised to help the poor, provide health care to millions, and to end a war. And some Americans voted for him simply because of his color.
If you ask me, I am sad.
I'm still looking for the day we vote for someone, not based on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Lessons learned
1. Ear infections can attack without warning. Your child can be happy when you lay her down for a nap, and wake up screaming about her ear.
2. Solantic ( a walk in clinic here) should not be used.
3. Pharmacists really do save lives...(mad props to you Matt and Anne for all your work.)
4. With my kid, good meds(accurately prescribed) go a long way...she appears to be feeling better already.
2. Solantic ( a walk in clinic here) should not be used.
3. Pharmacists really do save lives...(mad props to you Matt and Anne for all your work.)
4. With my kid, good meds(accurately prescribed) go a long way...she appears to be feeling better already.
Trick or Treat
We had a great time Friday night going trick or treating with Parker, Emma, and their Mom's, plus Megan. It was so much fun. Natalie was all about following Parker...until they knocked on the door. The minute anyone opened their door, she bolted inside. I have to work with this child. :-) Here are a few pics from the other night.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Bravo
For the purposes of this blog you must understand what a Bravo is from Hospice. A Bravo is something one employee can give another at any time they feel the other employee went beyond the normal day to day job to help a patient. At the end of the month all the Bravos are entered in for a gift card drawing. It's a great way to boost morale. I've thought it was a neat program all along.
With this said, my little pilot team ended today. I cannot communicate how difficult this pilot team has been, how many hours I have worked, or how much stress it has created. All seven of us pilot members said all day yesterday, we'll be done today. It was a really long meeting yesterday. At the end of the day yesterday they told us our meeting time today was changed to 12 instead of 1. All of us balked a little having to change patient visits yet AGAIN. But the executive people assured us this would be "fun" for us as we wrap things up for the pilot. I thought, okay, fun. Fun sounds good right now. I like fun. Six weeks ago I was a fun person. Cool. They reminded us again to come for our "surprise."
Last night I got yet another voice mail telling us to attend at 12 for a surprise. Then again, this morning a text message reminder. I was beginning to believe this might actually be fun.
Silly, silly, me.
Arrive at noon-Difficult due to clients
A lunch ticket to the cafeteria for free lunch- fine, it is noon.
Joined by "Big wigs" to come and eat with us pilot people- alright.
A thank you card- standard.
A Bravo for each us- priceless (no really priceless, it is worth no value).
And to think I worked 12-16 hours a day for the last six weeks to come in one hour early for a cafe meal, a card, and a bravo. If only they had told me to come in at one today. It would have stung a little less.
I did not expect anything. I'm a salary employee, I understand that I'll work for free most of my life when I'm salary. But, yesterday, they told us to come for a surprise. They said it would be worth my time. I sat and ate a cafeteria lunch while typing on my computer, listening to voice mails amidst the other pilot team members doing the same. Not fun. Then right before one they pass out said thank you cards and bravos. Although I am laughing inside, again, not fun. I'm still a bit shocked by it all. I'm tempted to complete a psychosocial bereavement assessment on myself after the let down from no fun.
My bravo says, "Allison committed extra time to help move the organization forward."
Wow. Extra time? That's how they define me putting my child to bed for nights on end and typing until midnight. That's what they call talking to my RN's and other staff attempting to calm all of us before yet another meeting? Extra time is what they call all the time my patients were not seen because I could not get there? Extra time is what they call changing how they want us to input care plans EVERY WEEK so I had to redo them again? Extra time? Extra?
How about a Bravo that says, "Allison committed all of her time, sacrificing time with her daughter and family, along with her sanity, only to realize that we really don't care about her input but for the purposes of PR we needed a pilot team so we could pretend to care."
Now that my friends, would be a Bravo worthy of being written in a employee file.
:-)
With this said, my little pilot team ended today. I cannot communicate how difficult this pilot team has been, how many hours I have worked, or how much stress it has created. All seven of us pilot members said all day yesterday, we'll be done today. It was a really long meeting yesterday. At the end of the day yesterday they told us our meeting time today was changed to 12 instead of 1. All of us balked a little having to change patient visits yet AGAIN. But the executive people assured us this would be "fun" for us as we wrap things up for the pilot. I thought, okay, fun. Fun sounds good right now. I like fun. Six weeks ago I was a fun person. Cool. They reminded us again to come for our "surprise."
Last night I got yet another voice mail telling us to attend at 12 for a surprise. Then again, this morning a text message reminder. I was beginning to believe this might actually be fun.
Silly, silly, me.
Arrive at noon-Difficult due to clients
A lunch ticket to the cafeteria for free lunch- fine, it is noon.
Joined by "Big wigs" to come and eat with us pilot people- alright.
A thank you card- standard.
A Bravo for each us- priceless (no really priceless, it is worth no value).
And to think I worked 12-16 hours a day for the last six weeks to come in one hour early for a cafe meal, a card, and a bravo. If only they had told me to come in at one today. It would have stung a little less.
I did not expect anything. I'm a salary employee, I understand that I'll work for free most of my life when I'm salary. But, yesterday, they told us to come for a surprise. They said it would be worth my time. I sat and ate a cafeteria lunch while typing on my computer, listening to voice mails amidst the other pilot team members doing the same. Not fun. Then right before one they pass out said thank you cards and bravos. Although I am laughing inside, again, not fun. I'm still a bit shocked by it all. I'm tempted to complete a psychosocial bereavement assessment on myself after the let down from no fun.
My bravo says, "Allison committed extra time to help move the organization forward."
Wow. Extra time? That's how they define me putting my child to bed for nights on end and typing until midnight. That's what they call talking to my RN's and other staff attempting to calm all of us before yet another meeting? Extra time is what they call all the time my patients were not seen because I could not get there? Extra time is what they call changing how they want us to input care plans EVERY WEEK so I had to redo them again? Extra time? Extra?
How about a Bravo that says, "Allison committed all of her time, sacrificing time with her daughter and family, along with her sanity, only to realize that we really don't care about her input but for the purposes of PR we needed a pilot team so we could pretend to care."
Now that my friends, would be a Bravo worthy of being written in a employee file.
:-)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Video and such
Today has been very fun. In his quest to run the Marathon in February, Chris ran sixteen miles this morning. I'm very impressed. I also wanted to take Natalie to the zoo and I was quite sure he would not feel up to all that walking after all that running. So she and I ventured to the animal kingdom together. I don't know that we've ever had a whole day of fun with just us girls. Before we hit the interstate I stopped at the Starbucks drive thru (insert here an advertisement for Starbucks, everyone in the world must try their Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, I'm a big fan of pumpkin spice latte this time of year, but the hot chocolate beats it hands down). Anyways, back to sitting in the drive thru, I suddenly flashed back to girls days with my mom. If we were out of town together, it almost always included Starbucks. (of course now, Princeton, has a Starbucks). I loved my days out with my mom, I still do. I found myself today aching for her to join us on mine and Natalie's first girls day. However, KK is not real fond of zoos. She feels sorry for the animals in cages, so we'll keep her to the shopping days. All that said, I soaked up today. I watched Natalie as she yelled, "hey monkey" from the top of her lungs. I laughed in amazement when the monkey actually turned to look at her. She giggled and sat in awe during the train ride. She calls it the "chugga chugga choo choo ride." We looked at the water, watched the alligators, lions, elephants, we fed a giraffe, which has a really long tongue, and we got the giggles at lunch and couldn't stop laughing. It was a great day. It wasn't until leaving the park that I realized how much like me this child is. Natalie pulled herself up on a park bench and asked me to sit beside her. Then she said, "Mommy sit with me and watch the people." I love watching people, so I joined her. We sat there for a few minutes and took in the day. Our first girls day. I'm hoping for many, many, more.
The video is of Natalie enjoying her favorite book right now, Brown Bear. We took this video last week. She now has it completely memorized. She is growing...
Monday, October 13, 2008
Blues Clues
The adorable pumpkin hat is from Uncle DJ and Aunt Sarah...the blues clues costume brought shrills of joy from Natalie in the store when she discovered it. Whenever she puts it on, she quickly turns around and says, "See, my tail!"
Sunday, October 05, 2008
A Happy Post
At the risk of my few readers thinking I'm depressed, I thought I should share some happy things for a change. These pictures are of Natalie getting ready for a birthday party. She is saying and doing more new things all the time. At Toys R Us yesterday she picked out the birthday present and card for her good friend, Parker. I told her that we needed to pay the nice lady at the counter before we could leave. Natalie promptly carried the card to the counter and said, "hey lady" to the cashier. The cashier looked a little shocked and then laughed really hard. This is my child. I hope you all have a great week!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Part two a week later...
In case you were wondering, I have no answer for the following questions:
"Why did God let my son kill himself last night, why yesterday, while my mother is dying and I am waiting to hear back from my doctor to find out if I have a terminal illness too? Why would a loving God do that?"
Insert image here of my pt lying in bed, daughter literally holding the phone in one hand waiting on her doctor to call her and in her other hand is her son's baby book.
The one thing I know, is that the more days go by, the better I know God, the fewer answers I have.
I know who He is. He is love.
However, I don't understand. I won't sugar coat life and I refuse to dress up death. I will not give standard answers.
Sometimes, pain is so deep that even the promise of heaven isn't enough.
I answered her with a question of my own, "do you feel like Job?" I said. She said "yes." I softly said that the one thing about Job is that God walked him through it. I can't imagine the pain, but God was still there. I told her that God would walk with her through this journey. This horrible, awful, mother's worst nightmare journey.
"But why my son? Why now?"
I mustered out, "God agrees with you today...about this...He too calls death an enemy." That's all I had for her. It is an enemy. He conquered it, but until Jesus returns we all face this enemy somehow, someway.
She said, "I don't know if I can believe in God right now."
I told her that was okay.
What else could I have said? She now had her luggage in hand to go to her son's funeral.
What else could I have said?
What else?
I must type these things out so they can get outside of my head. Letting my fingers tell the story on the keyboard somehow stops swirling conversations in my head.
I love God. I love my family. I love my job. Sometimes, I don't understand any of those three things. But love, is always the best.
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." I John 4:7
My job is not to have answers. My job is to love others with the love God gives to me.
Regardless of your occupation, that's your job too.
"Why did God let my son kill himself last night, why yesterday, while my mother is dying and I am waiting to hear back from my doctor to find out if I have a terminal illness too? Why would a loving God do that?"
Insert image here of my pt lying in bed, daughter literally holding the phone in one hand waiting on her doctor to call her and in her other hand is her son's baby book.
The one thing I know, is that the more days go by, the better I know God, the fewer answers I have.
I know who He is. He is love.
However, I don't understand. I won't sugar coat life and I refuse to dress up death. I will not give standard answers.
Sometimes, pain is so deep that even the promise of heaven isn't enough.
I answered her with a question of my own, "do you feel like Job?" I said. She said "yes." I softly said that the one thing about Job is that God walked him through it. I can't imagine the pain, but God was still there. I told her that God would walk with her through this journey. This horrible, awful, mother's worst nightmare journey.
"But why my son? Why now?"
I mustered out, "God agrees with you today...about this...He too calls death an enemy." That's all I had for her. It is an enemy. He conquered it, but until Jesus returns we all face this enemy somehow, someway.
She said, "I don't know if I can believe in God right now."
I told her that was okay.
What else could I have said? She now had her luggage in hand to go to her son's funeral.
What else could I have said?
What else?
I must type these things out so they can get outside of my head. Letting my fingers tell the story on the keyboard somehow stops swirling conversations in my head.
I love God. I love my family. I love my job. Sometimes, I don't understand any of those three things. But love, is always the best.
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." I John 4:7
My job is not to have answers. My job is to love others with the love God gives to me.
Regardless of your occupation, that's your job too.
Saturday night musings
1. I do not live in Mexico, Greece, or Italy. When I am shopping at the mall I would prefer for vendors to stay where they are and allow me to approach them. If you wave something at me, spray something at me, or holler, "lady", I am not going to buy from you. I am not negotiating with you. I have a two year old to chase.
2. The circus is still fun. Natalie wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but after round one of the flying lady, she was in awe. She clapped to the music and giggled. I was more in awe watching her then anything else.
3. At what age do we start laughing when someone else gets hurt? One of the circus acts included a guy who was great on the trampoline. In the beginning, however, he pretended not to be able to get on the trampoline and pretended to fall and get hurt several times. The first time he ran straight into it and fell, everyone, including me, laughed. Natalie put her hands over her head and said, "oh no!" He acted hurt and she cried. He did it again, more crying. She eventually buried her face in my shoulder and shook every time the crowd laughed. I kept saying, "he's not hurt, he's just playing." She kept saying, "oh no!" Part of me is excited for her to understand such moments, but part of me hopes she will never find someone else's pain funny.
4. Why did I think it was funny?
5. Working at hospice is very, very hard. I LOVE this job, but it is hard.
6. Medicare is implementing a ton of changes for every hospice, nation wide. I'm part of our pilot program for implementing all the changes. Prior to a month ago, I was all for national health insurance because not being able to afford private insurance is why I went back to work. After all of these changes, I'm thinking the government shouldn't come anywhere close to my health care. I still need an answer, but I pray for a day where we can all access the health care we need. You know, when we are hurt or sick and it isn't funny because it's real.
7. I don't like piloting anything. It's hard.
8. Coke Zero rocks. I still try to drink lots of water, but once a day, this has become my favorite.
9. I don't think I'm going to go to anymore health fairs. I learned my bad cholesterol was really good (meaning it's low) and I learned my good cholesterol was really bad (meaning it's also really, really low.) I've already been trying to exercise and eat better, now I have more motivation. Thus, I will not attend another one for a while. I don't need extra motivation. :-)
10. My child is funny. She cracks me up all the time. I think with our next child, I will work the first two years then stay home. She is super fun now.
11. I've taught her too well about shopping. She pulled my debit card out this morning and said, "mommy, this for shopping."
12. I still have the best husband in the world. He listens to my sad hospice stories, but forces me to enjoy the rest of life.
13. Life is good.
14. Sleep is wonderful.
15. I am one of those parents. I used to say I wouldn't let my kid watch much tv. And, she doesn't watch much. But last night, I rented a Diego (Dora's cousin) movie. I charged up our portable DVD player. This morning Chris was long gone at 5 am to train for the marathon. At 7 Natalie wakes up, I bring her to my room, turn on the DVD player and let her watch TWO episodes of Diego in my bed while I sleep.
16. I wake up to her saying "and my Mommy!" I look at the screen. Diego has asked them to find all the sleeping animals in the jungle. She was pointing at me.
17. Did I mention that my kid is funny and I love to sleep?
18. Did I mention that I live in a jungle?
2. The circus is still fun. Natalie wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but after round one of the flying lady, she was in awe. She clapped to the music and giggled. I was more in awe watching her then anything else.
3. At what age do we start laughing when someone else gets hurt? One of the circus acts included a guy who was great on the trampoline. In the beginning, however, he pretended not to be able to get on the trampoline and pretended to fall and get hurt several times. The first time he ran straight into it and fell, everyone, including me, laughed. Natalie put her hands over her head and said, "oh no!" He acted hurt and she cried. He did it again, more crying. She eventually buried her face in my shoulder and shook every time the crowd laughed. I kept saying, "he's not hurt, he's just playing." She kept saying, "oh no!" Part of me is excited for her to understand such moments, but part of me hopes she will never find someone else's pain funny.
4. Why did I think it was funny?
5. Working at hospice is very, very hard. I LOVE this job, but it is hard.
6. Medicare is implementing a ton of changes for every hospice, nation wide. I'm part of our pilot program for implementing all the changes. Prior to a month ago, I was all for national health insurance because not being able to afford private insurance is why I went back to work. After all of these changes, I'm thinking the government shouldn't come anywhere close to my health care. I still need an answer, but I pray for a day where we can all access the health care we need. You know, when we are hurt or sick and it isn't funny because it's real.
7. I don't like piloting anything. It's hard.
8. Coke Zero rocks. I still try to drink lots of water, but once a day, this has become my favorite.
9. I don't think I'm going to go to anymore health fairs. I learned my bad cholesterol was really good (meaning it's low) and I learned my good cholesterol was really bad (meaning it's also really, really low.) I've already been trying to exercise and eat better, now I have more motivation. Thus, I will not attend another one for a while. I don't need extra motivation. :-)
10. My child is funny. She cracks me up all the time. I think with our next child, I will work the first two years then stay home. She is super fun now.
11. I've taught her too well about shopping. She pulled my debit card out this morning and said, "mommy, this for shopping."
12. I still have the best husband in the world. He listens to my sad hospice stories, but forces me to enjoy the rest of life.
13. Life is good.
14. Sleep is wonderful.
15. I am one of those parents. I used to say I wouldn't let my kid watch much tv. And, she doesn't watch much. But last night, I rented a Diego (Dora's cousin) movie. I charged up our portable DVD player. This morning Chris was long gone at 5 am to train for the marathon. At 7 Natalie wakes up, I bring her to my room, turn on the DVD player and let her watch TWO episodes of Diego in my bed while I sleep.
16. I wake up to her saying "and my Mommy!" I look at the screen. Diego has asked them to find all the sleeping animals in the jungle. She was pointing at me.
17. Did I mention that my kid is funny and I love to sleep?
18. Did I mention that I live in a jungle?
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Psalm 23
"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."
My first family today lives in a huge mansion. They are a wonderful family, but knowing them has been a great reminder for me. They may not need anything, but there will always and forever be things in this life that no amount of money can fix.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters,he restores my soul.He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."
I drive away pondering the long marriage and amazing stories. I drive knowing my next several patients today are not who I originally intended to see. I pray that God will lead me to who He needs me to visit that day. It never ceases to amaze me how He answers that prayer.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
I talked to Chris before I walked in her door. One of our church families is losing a son, dad, brother, uncle, a man today. He fell off his truck. They are all at the hospital and there isn't anything they can do. He's on life support. I walk into my patients home mustering energy and a smile while my heart is hurting for this family. My confused, dear, lady who usually can't speak an entire sentence looks at me and smiles. She then recites Psalm 23 to me, in it's entirety. It's her favorite.
"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."
I didn't know that today I would need to see her more then she would need to see me. God knew my cup was very empty. I left with a hug and kiss from her, filled to overflowing with God's love.
"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,"
I keep moving, not because it doesn't hurt. Or because it will get better. Not because of an adolescent mentality that it won't happen to us or our families. No. I keep moving because I know goodness and love are following me. And there are people, dying people who need to have goodness and love walk into their homes much more then they need me.
"and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. "
Forever is a long time to dwell. God's house. A mansion. Built all with things that money could never buy. And filled to overflowing with things that death can never take away.
I keep moving because He keeps leading me, on the path to His house.
My first family today lives in a huge mansion. They are a wonderful family, but knowing them has been a great reminder for me. They may not need anything, but there will always and forever be things in this life that no amount of money can fix.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters,he restores my soul.He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."
I drive away pondering the long marriage and amazing stories. I drive knowing my next several patients today are not who I originally intended to see. I pray that God will lead me to who He needs me to visit that day. It never ceases to amaze me how He answers that prayer.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
I talked to Chris before I walked in her door. One of our church families is losing a son, dad, brother, uncle, a man today. He fell off his truck. They are all at the hospital and there isn't anything they can do. He's on life support. I walk into my patients home mustering energy and a smile while my heart is hurting for this family. My confused, dear, lady who usually can't speak an entire sentence looks at me and smiles. She then recites Psalm 23 to me, in it's entirety. It's her favorite.
"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."
I didn't know that today I would need to see her more then she would need to see me. God knew my cup was very empty. I left with a hug and kiss from her, filled to overflowing with God's love.
"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,"
I keep moving, not because it doesn't hurt. Or because it will get better. Not because of an adolescent mentality that it won't happen to us or our families. No. I keep moving because I know goodness and love are following me. And there are people, dying people who need to have goodness and love walk into their homes much more then they need me.
"and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. "
Forever is a long time to dwell. God's house. A mansion. Built all with things that money could never buy. And filled to overflowing with things that death can never take away.
I keep moving because He keeps leading me, on the path to His house.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Monday, September 01, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Life in the day of Allison
Wednesday:
Up at 6:30
Start to get ready
Help Chris get Natalie ready
All of us are trying to get ready
Leave at 8:20 to see my first patient.
Stop at Sam's to get gas in car.
Stop at Blockbuster to drop off movies.
9:10See my first patient.
10:00Leave his home and go straight to next patients house, they have a med contract, lots of issues.
11:10 Leave this house onto next house with med contract, more issues.
12:15 Leave and drive to team meeting, scarf down lunch on the way, call my doctor back on the way, call Chris and remind him to make several other calls.
12:37 Stop for chocolate.
1:00 Team meeting
4:00 Team is finally over and I have a patient to get admitted to a nursing home, plus two new admissions, plus get coverage scheduled for tomorrow because I'll be meetings all day, plus complete my paperwork from last two days because it's just that kind of week.
6:30 Finish the above the tasks.
6:40 Drive through Wendy's, inhale a burger.
6:55 Finish my fries as I walk up to church.
6:59 Realize there is no teacher for a class.
7:00 Tag team the 6-8 yr olds with Paul.
7:05 Convince a kid to go to the right class.
7:10 Have kids hanging on me.
7:15 Play streets and alleys.
7:25 Play duck, duck, goose.
7:40 Play tag.
8:05 Find Natalie and Chris. First time I've seen Natalie since this morning.
8:15 Drive Natalie and me home.
8:45 Feed my child who is ALWAYS hungry.
9:00 Get Natalie ready for bed.
9:40 Walk out of her room.
9:50 Laugh at Emily as she comes to the house to run on the treadmill.
10:20 Go to bed.
10:40 Pass out asleep.
Friday:
6:50 out of bed
Out the door at 8:00
Starbucks at 8:45
9:00 Meeting
12:00 Lunch
1:00 Meeting
5:45 on my way home
Make two bereavement calls on the way. And listen to 44 voicemails from last two days.
6:20 Get home and start making cornbread salad for tonight.
6:23 Knock on my door, three kids selling cookie dough, my purchase involved a thorough search for my wallet. Kids want to come in and pet dogs.
6:40 Kids leave, I finish cornbread salad.
6:45 Change clothes.
7:00 Leave for Games with Bible Study group tonight.
10:05 Go to pick up Natalie, again, I haven't seen her since this morning.
11:00 Home
11:15 Start typing this craziness out.
11:24 Wondering why I chose these two days this week.
11:25 Because they were the least busy of the last five.
Up at 6:30
Start to get ready
Help Chris get Natalie ready
All of us are trying to get ready
Leave at 8:20 to see my first patient.
Stop at Sam's to get gas in car.
Stop at Blockbuster to drop off movies.
9:10See my first patient.
10:00Leave his home and go straight to next patients house, they have a med contract, lots of issues.
11:10 Leave this house onto next house with med contract, more issues.
12:15 Leave and drive to team meeting, scarf down lunch on the way, call my doctor back on the way, call Chris and remind him to make several other calls.
12:37 Stop for chocolate.
1:00 Team meeting
4:00 Team is finally over and I have a patient to get admitted to a nursing home, plus two new admissions, plus get coverage scheduled for tomorrow because I'll be meetings all day, plus complete my paperwork from last two days because it's just that kind of week.
6:30 Finish the above the tasks.
6:40 Drive through Wendy's, inhale a burger.
6:55 Finish my fries as I walk up to church.
6:59 Realize there is no teacher for a class.
7:00 Tag team the 6-8 yr olds with Paul.
7:05 Convince a kid to go to the right class.
7:10 Have kids hanging on me.
7:15 Play streets and alleys.
7:25 Play duck, duck, goose.
7:40 Play tag.
8:05 Find Natalie and Chris. First time I've seen Natalie since this morning.
8:15 Drive Natalie and me home.
8:45 Feed my child who is ALWAYS hungry.
9:00 Get Natalie ready for bed.
9:40 Walk out of her room.
9:50 Laugh at Emily as she comes to the house to run on the treadmill.
10:20 Go to bed.
10:40 Pass out asleep.
Friday:
6:50 out of bed
Out the door at 8:00
Starbucks at 8:45
9:00 Meeting
12:00 Lunch
1:00 Meeting
5:45 on my way home
Make two bereavement calls on the way. And listen to 44 voicemails from last two days.
6:20 Get home and start making cornbread salad for tonight.
6:23 Knock on my door, three kids selling cookie dough, my purchase involved a thorough search for my wallet. Kids want to come in and pet dogs.
6:40 Kids leave, I finish cornbread salad.
6:45 Change clothes.
7:00 Leave for Games with Bible Study group tonight.
10:05 Go to pick up Natalie, again, I haven't seen her since this morning.
11:00 Home
11:15 Start typing this craziness out.
11:24 Wondering why I chose these two days this week.
11:25 Because they were the least busy of the last five.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Will the rain ever stop?
Mocha and Lexi made signs today. The sign says, "Noah, stop here, please pick up the animals, but leave the people."
Thursday, August 21, 2008
For good, quality, news updates...
Many of you have been concerned about how we are doing in the wake of Fay. Click here to see some awesome news updates. :-)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Disaster supplies
Last week:
"It'll be a tropical storm early next week for us in Jacksonville."
Over the weekend:
"Well, we now think it will just be a tropical depression by the time it gets to Jax."
"We are going to get a lot of rain in Jax."
Yesterday afternoon:
"It's going back over the ocean!!! It's going to be a category 1 hurricane by the time it hits Jax late Thursday night!!! Get ready now!!!"
This morning:
"We have good news from overnight folks, it's stalled over Cape Canaveral (I wonder if they think it's good news?), it'll weaken by the time it gets to us."
Late morning:
"It's stalling and moving to Orlando"
Early afternoon
"It's still stalling, but it is moving over the ocean."
Tonight:
"Well, it looks like Jax will get a tropical storm after all."
It's raining, it's pouring, only Faye knows what she will be in the morning.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Some Wedding Pictures
We had so much fun at Brock and Stacey's wedding last weekend. It was beautiful. We hope you all had a great honeymoon...and we can't wait to see you soon!
Pre wedding...
Stacey laughing with the boys.
Chris' parents, Frank and Candy with Brock and Stacey...
A beautiful bride and groom...
Four generations, Grandmama, Nanny, Daddy, and Natalie...
Natalie loved the dancing...
Okay, we've scheduled an appointment with the eye doctor because this is how Natalie sleeps now, "cover my head with my blankie, cover my eyes..." She doesn't want any light at all while she is sleeping so this is how she slept in the car...she is my child after all.
Pre wedding...
Stacey laughing with the boys.
Chris' parents, Frank and Candy with Brock and Stacey...
A beautiful bride and groom...
Four generations, Grandmama, Nanny, Daddy, and Natalie...
Natalie loved the dancing...
Okay, we've scheduled an appointment with the eye doctor because this is how Natalie sleeps now, "cover my head with my blankie, cover my eyes..." She doesn't want any light at all while she is sleeping so this is how she slept in the car...she is my child after all.
Calling Dr. Natalie
Here are a few pictures of Natalie playing with her Doctor's kit from Uncle DJ and Aunt Sarah. Notice how she consults her book often.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Been a while
My good friend Megan used to blog about this phenomenon.I would always read and think there was no way it was accurate because I really enjoyed her stories. But, alas, I found this phenomenon to be true. The guaranteed way to silence any room full of people is for Megan or me to share work stores with them.
Now, it's not that Megan and I are boring people. I personally think we are rather delightful, charming, and funny individuals. But when you work with hospice, others don't seem to enjoy or find funny the same stories that you do.
The last couple of weeks I have found myself simply saying "fine" when people ask me how I like my job. It's not that I have nothing to say, I could tell them a million things. It's just that I know when I start talking, they are going to get this certain look in their eye. Then, taking note that they are visibly uncomfortable, I hurry and finish my story only to be met with an awkward silence. Nine times out of ten the silence is followed by them saying, "I don't know how you work with dying people like that all the time." I could give them my good response about how it reminds me of the importance of life, or how I really do enjoy it, but that just makes the conversation more morbid and awkward. "Fine" really works much better.
This blog may quickly become an outlet of stories as I am finding no other outlet suitable for the release of thoughts constantly in my head. I can type them and not have to hear the awkwardness of the story. And, some things in print, really are funny. Even if they are wrapped in the context of death. For example, I have a patient who is not actively dying (meaning not in the next 24-72 hours), but he is dying none the less. He has cancer and is using a walker. He is very unsteady and has fallen a lot lately. He is cute and his wife will talk more then me any day. She's also not quite grasping how ill he is. I'm visiting them a couple of days ago and she says to me, "Will you hold him up so he can reach up there and hang that vertical blind for me?" I look at the poor man, with his walker in front of him. Our eyes meet and he shrugs his shoulders like he could do it, but his eyes are screaming for me not to ask him to. I looked at her, looked at the walker, looked back at her and said, "no." She looked shocked. I told her I would hang the blind for her. I spent the next 15 minutes with a Hispanic lady wildly explaining to me how exactly to hang her blind. Graduate school does not prepare you for these moments.
Or, I could tell you about today, when I had to flush narcotic pain medication down the toilet in one of our in patient units. I picked it up from a home patient and had to destroy it at the office so I could have a witness. I poured the pills down the toilet in a stall. The toilet did not flush automatically. I can't find the button to make them flush. Many colored pills makes for one mess in the toilet. So, I do what any logical person would do. I pretend to use the toilet, hoping to "trick" it into flushing. This didn't work. I know I'm taking so long my supervisor is probably convinced I'm taking the narcotics. I try this sitting on the toilet and standing up routine several times. Does not work. I consider taking the narcotics. Finally, I find the button. Much to my dismay, after it flushes most of the pills are stuck now inside the bottom of the toilet. This is a PUBLIC bathroom in our facility. I flush again. Still stuck. I see what I think is the toilet brush and I think, I'll just move them and flush, but it was the plunger. I can't stick it in there to move tiny pills, it's too big. So, rationally, I flip it over and use the stick end to unstick the pills and flush quickly. Very satisfied that the pills are gone, I put the plunger down. I then notice the handle was orange from some of the pills. I washed my hands and walked away. I'll let people guess why that handle is bright orange. Everyone should have something to think about in the bathroom.
I know, a really long rambling blog. But such are my thoughts. More stories to come. And, some wedding pictures from Brock and Stacey's wedding, I'll put them on here it soon. It was beautiful!
Now, it's not that Megan and I are boring people. I personally think we are rather delightful, charming, and funny individuals. But when you work with hospice, others don't seem to enjoy or find funny the same stories that you do.
The last couple of weeks I have found myself simply saying "fine" when people ask me how I like my job. It's not that I have nothing to say, I could tell them a million things. It's just that I know when I start talking, they are going to get this certain look in their eye. Then, taking note that they are visibly uncomfortable, I hurry and finish my story only to be met with an awkward silence. Nine times out of ten the silence is followed by them saying, "I don't know how you work with dying people like that all the time." I could give them my good response about how it reminds me of the importance of life, or how I really do enjoy it, but that just makes the conversation more morbid and awkward. "Fine" really works much better.
This blog may quickly become an outlet of stories as I am finding no other outlet suitable for the release of thoughts constantly in my head. I can type them and not have to hear the awkwardness of the story. And, some things in print, really are funny. Even if they are wrapped in the context of death. For example, I have a patient who is not actively dying (meaning not in the next 24-72 hours), but he is dying none the less. He has cancer and is using a walker. He is very unsteady and has fallen a lot lately. He is cute and his wife will talk more then me any day. She's also not quite grasping how ill he is. I'm visiting them a couple of days ago and she says to me, "Will you hold him up so he can reach up there and hang that vertical blind for me?" I look at the poor man, with his walker in front of him. Our eyes meet and he shrugs his shoulders like he could do it, but his eyes are screaming for me not to ask him to. I looked at her, looked at the walker, looked back at her and said, "no." She looked shocked. I told her I would hang the blind for her. I spent the next 15 minutes with a Hispanic lady wildly explaining to me how exactly to hang her blind. Graduate school does not prepare you for these moments.
Or, I could tell you about today, when I had to flush narcotic pain medication down the toilet in one of our in patient units. I picked it up from a home patient and had to destroy it at the office so I could have a witness. I poured the pills down the toilet in a stall. The toilet did not flush automatically. I can't find the button to make them flush. Many colored pills makes for one mess in the toilet. So, I do what any logical person would do. I pretend to use the toilet, hoping to "trick" it into flushing. This didn't work. I know I'm taking so long my supervisor is probably convinced I'm taking the narcotics. I try this sitting on the toilet and standing up routine several times. Does not work. I consider taking the narcotics. Finally, I find the button. Much to my dismay, after it flushes most of the pills are stuck now inside the bottom of the toilet. This is a PUBLIC bathroom in our facility. I flush again. Still stuck. I see what I think is the toilet brush and I think, I'll just move them and flush, but it was the plunger. I can't stick it in there to move tiny pills, it's too big. So, rationally, I flip it over and use the stick end to unstick the pills and flush quickly. Very satisfied that the pills are gone, I put the plunger down. I then notice the handle was orange from some of the pills. I washed my hands and walked away. I'll let people guess why that handle is bright orange. Everyone should have something to think about in the bathroom.
I know, a really long rambling blog. But such are my thoughts. More stories to come. And, some wedding pictures from Brock and Stacey's wedding, I'll put them on here it soon. It was beautiful!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
some info
I stumbled upon this the other day through another mom's blog. This was also on Good Morning America, you can click on that clip from this one as well. I knew to keep Natalie rear facing to one, but I had no idea that she needed to be in a five point harness past forty pounds, I didn't know they made car seats this big either. Just an FYI for all my favorite mommys out there.
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