Secrets

Today one of my patients gave me a piece of her story. She said she needed to talk and asked her family to leave. I pulled my chair close to her, held her hand and let her cry. I let her tell me how mad she is at it.

It is the pain, the cancer, the signs, the symptoms, herself ignoring all of these things. I just let her cry and be mad.

Then, she handed me her secret. To me, it came out of nowhere. It wasn’t in context with our conversation. It was as if her wall around her heart crashed in all the madness and her secret tumbled out of her mouth. She said it. She told me. Details that she has never shared. Ever. We talked about it. I listened and wiped her tears. I listened some more and was teary eyed with her. I prayed.

Then she said she thought she would have understood it by now, in her old age. I gently suggested there are some things in life, which are so horrible, they are not meant to be understood. I threw a different light on her secret. We spun it around and looked at all the protection she had offered to others because of it. She told me she hadn’t thought about that protection she had given to so many.

Her entire being changed. Peace and freedom washed over her face. Her body relaxed and she told me she felt better now. Tired, but better. I stood to leave feeling like I needed to stay and hold her hand. I felt as if I should say something profound and well thought out. None of that came to me. She was tired. I bent down, wiped her hair away from her face, kissed her and told her that I loved her. She kissed me back and I knew I had to leave.

I was privileged enough to be holding her secret. And it was long past time for her to let it go.