In case you were wondering, I have no answer for the following questions:
"Why did God let my son kill himself last night, why yesterday, while my mother is dying and I am waiting to hear back from my doctor to find out if I have a terminal illness too? Why would a loving God do that?"
Insert image here of my pt lying in bed, daughter literally holding the phone in one hand waiting on her doctor to call her and in her other hand is her son's baby book.
The one thing I know, is that the more days go by, the better I know God, the fewer answers I have.
I know who He is. He is love.
However, I don't understand. I won't sugar coat life and I refuse to dress up death. I will not give standard answers.
Sometimes, pain is so deep that even the promise of heaven isn't enough.
I answered her with a question of my own, "do you feel like Job?" I said. She said "yes." I softly said that the one thing about Job is that God walked him through it. I can't imagine the pain, but God was still there. I told her that God would walk with her through this journey. This horrible, awful, mother's worst nightmare journey.
"But why my son? Why now?"
I mustered out, "God agrees with you today...about this...He too calls death an enemy." That's all I had for her. It is an enemy. He conquered it, but until Jesus returns we all face this enemy somehow, someway.
She said, "I don't know if I can believe in God right now."
I told her that was okay.
What else could I have said? She now had her luggage in hand to go to her son's funeral.
What else could I have said?
What else?
I must type these things out so they can get outside of my head. Letting my fingers tell the story on the keyboard somehow stops swirling conversations in my head.
I love God. I love my family. I love my job. Sometimes, I don't understand any of those three things. But love, is always the best.
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." I John 4:7
My job is not to have answers. My job is to love others with the love God gives to me.
Regardless of your occupation, that's your job too.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Saturday night musings
1. I do not live in Mexico, Greece, or Italy. When I am shopping at the mall I would prefer for vendors to stay where they are and allow me to approach them. If you wave something at me, spray something at me, or holler, "lady", I am not going to buy from you. I am not negotiating with you. I have a two year old to chase.
2. The circus is still fun. Natalie wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but after round one of the flying lady, she was in awe. She clapped to the music and giggled. I was more in awe watching her then anything else.
3. At what age do we start laughing when someone else gets hurt? One of the circus acts included a guy who was great on the trampoline. In the beginning, however, he pretended not to be able to get on the trampoline and pretended to fall and get hurt several times. The first time he ran straight into it and fell, everyone, including me, laughed. Natalie put her hands over her head and said, "oh no!" He acted hurt and she cried. He did it again, more crying. She eventually buried her face in my shoulder and shook every time the crowd laughed. I kept saying, "he's not hurt, he's just playing." She kept saying, "oh no!" Part of me is excited for her to understand such moments, but part of me hopes she will never find someone else's pain funny.
4. Why did I think it was funny?
5. Working at hospice is very, very hard. I LOVE this job, but it is hard.
6. Medicare is implementing a ton of changes for every hospice, nation wide. I'm part of our pilot program for implementing all the changes. Prior to a month ago, I was all for national health insurance because not being able to afford private insurance is why I went back to work. After all of these changes, I'm thinking the government shouldn't come anywhere close to my health care. I still need an answer, but I pray for a day where we can all access the health care we need. You know, when we are hurt or sick and it isn't funny because it's real.
7. I don't like piloting anything. It's hard.
8. Coke Zero rocks. I still try to drink lots of water, but once a day, this has become my favorite.
9. I don't think I'm going to go to anymore health fairs. I learned my bad cholesterol was really good (meaning it's low) and I learned my good cholesterol was really bad (meaning it's also really, really low.) I've already been trying to exercise and eat better, now I have more motivation. Thus, I will not attend another one for a while. I don't need extra motivation. :-)
10. My child is funny. She cracks me up all the time. I think with our next child, I will work the first two years then stay home. She is super fun now.
11. I've taught her too well about shopping. She pulled my debit card out this morning and said, "mommy, this for shopping."
12. I still have the best husband in the world. He listens to my sad hospice stories, but forces me to enjoy the rest of life.
13. Life is good.
14. Sleep is wonderful.
15. I am one of those parents. I used to say I wouldn't let my kid watch much tv. And, she doesn't watch much. But last night, I rented a Diego (Dora's cousin) movie. I charged up our portable DVD player. This morning Chris was long gone at 5 am to train for the marathon. At 7 Natalie wakes up, I bring her to my room, turn on the DVD player and let her watch TWO episodes of Diego in my bed while I sleep.
16. I wake up to her saying "and my Mommy!" I look at the screen. Diego has asked them to find all the sleeping animals in the jungle. She was pointing at me.
17. Did I mention that my kid is funny and I love to sleep?
18. Did I mention that I live in a jungle?
2. The circus is still fun. Natalie wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but after round one of the flying lady, she was in awe. She clapped to the music and giggled. I was more in awe watching her then anything else.
3. At what age do we start laughing when someone else gets hurt? One of the circus acts included a guy who was great on the trampoline. In the beginning, however, he pretended not to be able to get on the trampoline and pretended to fall and get hurt several times. The first time he ran straight into it and fell, everyone, including me, laughed. Natalie put her hands over her head and said, "oh no!" He acted hurt and she cried. He did it again, more crying. She eventually buried her face in my shoulder and shook every time the crowd laughed. I kept saying, "he's not hurt, he's just playing." She kept saying, "oh no!" Part of me is excited for her to understand such moments, but part of me hopes she will never find someone else's pain funny.
4. Why did I think it was funny?
5. Working at hospice is very, very hard. I LOVE this job, but it is hard.
6. Medicare is implementing a ton of changes for every hospice, nation wide. I'm part of our pilot program for implementing all the changes. Prior to a month ago, I was all for national health insurance because not being able to afford private insurance is why I went back to work. After all of these changes, I'm thinking the government shouldn't come anywhere close to my health care. I still need an answer, but I pray for a day where we can all access the health care we need. You know, when we are hurt or sick and it isn't funny because it's real.
7. I don't like piloting anything. It's hard.
8. Coke Zero rocks. I still try to drink lots of water, but once a day, this has become my favorite.
9. I don't think I'm going to go to anymore health fairs. I learned my bad cholesterol was really good (meaning it's low) and I learned my good cholesterol was really bad (meaning it's also really, really low.) I've already been trying to exercise and eat better, now I have more motivation. Thus, I will not attend another one for a while. I don't need extra motivation. :-)
10. My child is funny. She cracks me up all the time. I think with our next child, I will work the first two years then stay home. She is super fun now.
11. I've taught her too well about shopping. She pulled my debit card out this morning and said, "mommy, this for shopping."
12. I still have the best husband in the world. He listens to my sad hospice stories, but forces me to enjoy the rest of life.
13. Life is good.
14. Sleep is wonderful.
15. I am one of those parents. I used to say I wouldn't let my kid watch much tv. And, she doesn't watch much. But last night, I rented a Diego (Dora's cousin) movie. I charged up our portable DVD player. This morning Chris was long gone at 5 am to train for the marathon. At 7 Natalie wakes up, I bring her to my room, turn on the DVD player and let her watch TWO episodes of Diego in my bed while I sleep.
16. I wake up to her saying "and my Mommy!" I look at the screen. Diego has asked them to find all the sleeping animals in the jungle. She was pointing at me.
17. Did I mention that my kid is funny and I love to sleep?
18. Did I mention that I live in a jungle?
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Psalm 23
"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."
My first family today lives in a huge mansion. They are a wonderful family, but knowing them has been a great reminder for me. They may not need anything, but there will always and forever be things in this life that no amount of money can fix.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters,he restores my soul.He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."
I drive away pondering the long marriage and amazing stories. I drive knowing my next several patients today are not who I originally intended to see. I pray that God will lead me to who He needs me to visit that day. It never ceases to amaze me how He answers that prayer.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
I talked to Chris before I walked in her door. One of our church families is losing a son, dad, brother, uncle, a man today. He fell off his truck. They are all at the hospital and there isn't anything they can do. He's on life support. I walk into my patients home mustering energy and a smile while my heart is hurting for this family. My confused, dear, lady who usually can't speak an entire sentence looks at me and smiles. She then recites Psalm 23 to me, in it's entirety. It's her favorite.
"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."
I didn't know that today I would need to see her more then she would need to see me. God knew my cup was very empty. I left with a hug and kiss from her, filled to overflowing with God's love.
"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,"
I keep moving, not because it doesn't hurt. Or because it will get better. Not because of an adolescent mentality that it won't happen to us or our families. No. I keep moving because I know goodness and love are following me. And there are people, dying people who need to have goodness and love walk into their homes much more then they need me.
"and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. "
Forever is a long time to dwell. God's house. A mansion. Built all with things that money could never buy. And filled to overflowing with things that death can never take away.
I keep moving because He keeps leading me, on the path to His house.
My first family today lives in a huge mansion. They are a wonderful family, but knowing them has been a great reminder for me. They may not need anything, but there will always and forever be things in this life that no amount of money can fix.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters,he restores my soul.He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."
I drive away pondering the long marriage and amazing stories. I drive knowing my next several patients today are not who I originally intended to see. I pray that God will lead me to who He needs me to visit that day. It never ceases to amaze me how He answers that prayer.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
I talked to Chris before I walked in her door. One of our church families is losing a son, dad, brother, uncle, a man today. He fell off his truck. They are all at the hospital and there isn't anything they can do. He's on life support. I walk into my patients home mustering energy and a smile while my heart is hurting for this family. My confused, dear, lady who usually can't speak an entire sentence looks at me and smiles. She then recites Psalm 23 to me, in it's entirety. It's her favorite.
"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."
I didn't know that today I would need to see her more then she would need to see me. God knew my cup was very empty. I left with a hug and kiss from her, filled to overflowing with God's love.
"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,"
I keep moving, not because it doesn't hurt. Or because it will get better. Not because of an adolescent mentality that it won't happen to us or our families. No. I keep moving because I know goodness and love are following me. And there are people, dying people who need to have goodness and love walk into their homes much more then they need me.
"and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. "
Forever is a long time to dwell. God's house. A mansion. Built all with things that money could never buy. And filled to overflowing with things that death can never take away.
I keep moving because He keeps leading me, on the path to His house.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Monday, September 01, 2008
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