a week

This past week is all blurry. It's one of those weeks where you have to stop and really try to remember what you did yesterday, much less Monday. It's been a good week, a sad week, and a hard week. It's a week when I learned how Megan became so accustomed to death because I am as well. I don't think hospice makes you cold. I think it makes you aware. Working with people who know they are dying makes me keenly aware of what is and is not important. It's a constant reminder that nothing in this life is constant. Lives are turned upside down by one lump, one cough, one different heartbeat. I met a 38 year old dying of breast cancer. We are told to get yearly mamagrams after 40. I meet smokers who wish they never started, and smokers who are still enveloped in the cloud. I meet people with dementia and end stage alzheimers. Their families tell their stories. Their eyes tell me they are still alive inside. I always use to think I didn't want to die this way. I didn't want to be sick. And really, I don't want to die at all. But in a way, these people have a gift. As one patient told me this week, "I know this is the last birthday party I'll be a part of for my granddaughter." This one will be big. He told me he is blessed to know, so he can really live. Imagine if we all knew. I'm not sure I could handle it, but it would make each of us really live. Since working here, I'm more intentional with those around me. I pay attention better and say "I love you" more. I'm finding myself craving time with Chris more then ever, and not fighting bedtime so much with Natalie. Is it really that big a deal that I snuggle her a little longer? Will it really mess up her sleep habits for the rest of her life? I don't think so. So that's the sad, the good, and the hard for the week. It's life. Funny that I have to be face to face with people who are dying to remind me to live. Try it this week. Live like you know you are mortal. I dare you.

Natalie's BFF

These pics are from Liza...who graciously always has her camera ready when we forget ours. Thanks Liza for taking good care of us...we love you!



Avery lives just down the street...we are thinking they are already planning many adventures together...

I am having trouble getting any other pics uploaded to blogger lately. I'll keep trying. Have a great week!

what if?

What if nothing we are thinking right now is new? What if we are having the exact same arguments in the church today that they had a generation ago? What if people came to America because they wanted the right to worship as they chose? What if ancient philosphers wrote on paper because blogger was not yet available? What if the disciples caused a shake up everywhere they went? What if the early church fought about eating, songs, and money? Have we seriously in 2000 plus years not gotten anywhere? I would dare say that no generation set out to be fake. They probably didn't start out to judge and exclude. Yet, each new generation seeks to break out of the mold of the church and start something new. My question is then, is it...new? I talk to people now who are as opposed to hymns as some people are to choruses. Isn't that just as bad? Others who cannot fathom why someone would not like something they love. Do they have to? I mean where in the world do we come up with the idea that we should all believe the same and like the same and anyone who opposes us is wrong? One of my favorite quotes from women of faith says, "I should think that if we agree on everything, one of us is unnecessary." Unity by it's necissity would imply we don't agree on everything. Jesus prayed we would be one...I believe he meant one body. All important. All working toward the goal. All doing it differently because the eye and the ear will never do things the same. They always filter information differently. They will respond differently. Our goal is to love God, love others, and make disciples. The eye can worship through color and the written word, and the vastness of the world. The ear can not do any of these things. The ear can worship through the spoken word, music, and the vastness of noise and silence. Both can be and are connected to the head but are not the same. What if we acted like one body? What if for the first time in 2,000 years we really were unified? What if we celebrated our differneces and walked in unity? What if stopped being shocked by non christians acting like non christians? What if our big unified body grabbed them by the hand and walked with those people for while...just walking them towards God? What would God allow us to be a part of then? You know, then, when we are actually loving Him because we are loving others because we are walking them to Him. What if then?

My big girl

We keep looking at Natalie and wondering where the baby went? She is speaking more and more everyday. We moved her from her crib last week because she was too long and kept waking up all the time. She has slept much better in the toddler bed. That may be because she is no longer taking medicine she is allergic to, but we'll say it's the new bed. :-) Natalie is still itchy, but she is doing better. Anyways, here are a couple recent pictures. I have a bunch of stuff to say, but it's forming in my head, so I'll write more later this week.

Doctor says

Ear infection + amoxicillin + Natalie =






So, nothing in the penicillin family and round the clock benadryl for this baby...

being cynical

I have been praying this month. On a regular basis I have asked God to help me be less cynical. I enjoy being sarcastic. Somewhere along the lines this has turned into cynicism. It's not a characteristic I recognized in myself. However, it has been pointed out to me on a regular basis, by well meaning sarcastic people. When I realized this about myself, I prayed. I wanted to be less cynical. I believed that cynical is one step away from critical. I don't want to become the person that criticizes and critiques everything I see anyone else doing. I don't like that person. Oops, I mean I would like to not be that person. So in my praying and searching I had the fabulous idea of looking up the definition of cynical. It is "Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others" or another definition is " a person who believes that only selfishness motivates human actions and who disbelieves in or minimizes selfless acts or disinterested points of view". After reading the definitions and the Bible, I'm wondering aloud, is it bad to be cynical? I mean Jesus had to come because we are selfish and flawed people. If any of us are only motivated by human actions we can be nothing but selfish. Spirit filled actions are different. They are the antonym of selfish. Those actions are filled by love. Love is not selfish. Love listens. It's motive is only to love unconditionally. I am becoming more okay with cynicism if it is spirit led. My prayer has changed. I'm praying for discernment and wisdom. If someone is motivated purely by themselves, I'm praying to see it. We all should be. Nothing good comes from us. God is good. We are fallen, broken, bleeding, hurt people. We are so incapable of helping ourselves; how can I possibly help anyone else on my own? I'm praying to be spirit led. To walk with God. To radiate unconditional love to those He brings into my path. I might hang on to the sarcasm though. I think it is a God given creativity to force people to see the world differently, hopefully while they are laughing. If you just sneered at me, you too my friend might be cynical. The question then is this, do I want to hang on to my sarcasm out of spirit led reasons or fleshly ones? This my friend will be the question.

This makes my heart happy

When I was little, Monk-Monk went with me everywhere. My family can recall exactly what he looks like. My college roommates mocked him and my Iowa friends said he is scary. And, well, he is old, but he is still my favorite. When my mom was at the hospital having DJ, my grandma and I were performing "surgery" on Monk-Monk. This is one of my first memories. He needed more stuffing, poor monkey was falling apart. This monkey has a special place in my heart. After Natalie was born DJ and Sarah went in search of a monkey for her. They found one and I loved it. But, I decided to let her choose her own favoirte toy. For months now she has played with everything, and not had any particular favorite. That all changed this week. Suddenly Monkey did what Monkeys do and he won out over all the other toys. He now must accompany her around the house. We feed him and kiss him. Most importantly, Monkey is by her side in her crib. For this very moment I am so happy he has won. Natalie does not look a thing like me, but it's nice to know my quirky behavior is somewhere tucked inside her.

Life with Chris

I'm sorry it's been a week since I've written. Things here have been quite busy. It's been more difficult then I thought it would be to get used to working again. Natalie is loving day care. She is Miss Independent.

Chris, my do everything in a big way husband, decided it would be fun to go the ER yesterday. Now for those of you who know him, his body is weird. I mean that literally. When he was in high school, he was sent to the ER with chest pains, stomach pains, and his left arm was tingling. He thought he was having a heart attack. A long story later, his family doctor discovered he had strep. Apparently some "rare" individuals show these symptoms to strep rather then having a sore throat. Because of his rarity, I tend to not have much sympathy for him when he is sick. So fast forward to Wednesday of this week, when he comes home complaining of mid to low back pain. He is walking like an old man imitating John Wayne. He was nauseous and had a fever. By yesterday morning he thought he was better. But, by early afternoon, he had a bad headache, along with a backache, and a fever now to 103.1 So, we go to an urgent care since neither of us have bothered to get primary care doctors yet. They are immediately concerned about his kidneys. Now, I'm getting more sympathetic. Kidney stones made my dad cry. I've seen him cry twice. They do some test and the nurse practitioner comes back in the room and says, "I'm sending you to the ER". My stomach sank. My growing sympathy turned to genuine concern. So off we go. Of course, we wait forever in the ER. We sat in the post triage waiting room with half a dozen other people, including one ADHD kid with a head injury from a car wreck. Then they bring in a nice lady in a wheel chair. Right after they parked her, she starts throwing up everywhere. The triage nurse says, "Get some help in here." I jump up. One- I don't deal with throw up well, Two, I'm the only one in the room who does not currently have a broken foot, headache, or ADHD. Surely I can get help. I step out of the room and look at three nurses behind the station and say, "uh, we need some help in there." They all stare at me. Nothing. Finally one says in a very condescending manner, "who needs help?" I didn't have time to be social worky on them and explain that it doesn't matter who they should jump simply at the words help. So I simply said in my best non sarcastic, your going to treat my husband so I'll be nice voice, "There is a lady throwing up and can't stand and the triage lady asked me to get some help." Ahhh, the magic words, they got up and ran in. Log into memory, people run in an ER when the words "triage nurse needs help" are stated. Anyways, now we are in the hallway with our ADHD child. Even more fun. Finally after one and half episodes of Charmed, we get called back. Chris who is still walking like John Wayne just really wants to lay down. He does for a second, then moves to the recliner. Another thirty minutes later, the doctor comes in. He looks at Chris, talks for a while, and is also concerned about his kidneys or gallbladder. He decides to run a few test and look Chris over really well. So he does find something. It doesn't fit with any symptoms and all the test came back normal. My husband, the one with severe back pain and horrible headache. Yeah, he has an ear infection. And, no, his ear does not hurt.

Moral of the story is, if any of you are ever around Chris and he complains that his toe is hurting him. Please start CPR. I'm certain he'll be having a heart attack.

New video

Here is another video of Natalie. I know a couple of people had some trouble opening the last one. It should open in Windows Media Player. I don't know enough about this stuff to tell anyone how to open it another way. But, many of you say the last one and while we have a free subscription, I'm going to use it. :-)
praying 1.wmv
We have a super busy weekend coming, but I'll fill everyone in on life after we get back. Have a great weekend and enjoy this video.

How do we get there from here?

I want community. I want to be challenged. I want to love deeply and genuinely care for others. I want to be a part of a group of people who walk together. I'm tired of church. I'm tired of games. I don't want to walk around the same corners as everyone before me and pass "go" all over again. I want LIFE and I want it abundantly. This past Sunday as I saw people gather around a nine year old who had just lost her father, I thought, "this is the body, this is what Jesus was talking about." How do we keep walking with her? How about the girl on the street, in Wal-mart, at the mall, the one in the pew in front of me? Does she yearn for community too? Is there something she wants to share. I believe small group studies go on for hours for a million reasons. One is that we just want to share our stories. In a world of so many ways to communicate, we have lost our ability to connect. I think many of us are realizing that. We want sit, eat, drink coffee, and just talk. It's not new. 50 years ago the women called it quiliting. I don't think that sat together in a room and said nothing. They played games in the yard and neighbors actually knew each other names. No, our generation doesn't want anything real radical. We just want to recapture what was lost in Gen X's pursuit of independence. We recognize it is okay to be dependent on each other. To be dependent on God. We are comfortable with saying "I don't know." We agree to pray and usually, we mean it. And, we will not accept or tolerate fake. We'll see right through you. We have been for years. Maybe the church is scared of postmoderns because of this. We were cute for a long time. Now, we are "young adults." The church overall seems to have a difficult time attracting us. I wonder when they'll realize that if you try to attract us, you will repel us. Wooing us to a building is fake. Wooing us to a relationship is real. It's never about programs, curriculum, service times, or basketball. It's about relationships. It always has been. We aren't radical. We are just reminding everyone that Jesus is a who. Who wants to meet him with us?

Smart baby

Hey, I've never posted a video here before, but we'll see if this works. We taught Natalie to count to three today...we think she's pretty smart. Have a great week!

123

I love Uncle DJ and Aunt Sarah

Dear Uncle DJ and Aunt Sarah,
I want you to know I was almost stripped at church on Sunday for wearing this outfit. Many Gator people mistook it for a Georgia Bulldogs outfit. Once they saw the Reds they spared me. I left with my dress still on and I did look super cute. Daddy says he only let me wear it because Mr. Ryan was in town too. Mommy said I could wear it when I wanted. I love you both!
Natalie (the best niece in the world)

I'm a walking oxymoron...

An excerpt from my prayer journal. A rare glimpse into the crazy, swirling, thoughts inside my head.

8-13-07

"Dear Father,

Let's get real. Well, you're always real~I'm great at pretend. I'm a walking oxymoron. I've always wanted to work in a hospice. I love the city. I can do anything. All I want is to stay home with Natalie. I have to get out of the house. I trust you to provide money. I must get out and make some money. I hate the city. I miss Iowa. I hate the state of Iowa. I miss all the people in Iowa. Except her. I should love her and forgive her, but I haven't and I don't. I miss all my friends in WV. I only have a few friends. I want more friends. I don't want to spend the time it takes to build real relationships. I want to be authentic. I like my big, tall, walls. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I am so wishy-washy all of the time. I need you Lord. You are the only constant thing in my life. And, even, with you ~I crave everything about you ~ yet I so easily wander and lose focus. Heather said 'only you can change my heart.' 'Only you can change my heart.' 'Only you can change my heart.'

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\____________________________

Only you. Only you. How do I give it to you to change? Do I have to? Will you just take it? Please? I'm slow. I'm unresponsive. I grab onto you for the shock. We get a good rhythm and I get up and move. I don't want to move anymore. I need you. Please keep me Lord. Please save me...from myself. I know I was created in your image to bring you glory. Please make me look more like you and most of all forgive me. Please always and daily be my Savior. Please make me bring you glory. Thank you that you are God. Thank you most of all that I am not. You are God. I'm an oxymoron.

In Jesus' name,
Amen"

Two pictures...

Today has been a good day. Have a great week!

8 random things

The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (if you don't have a blog, email me)
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read their blog.

Before I tell you 8 random facts about me I must tell you that we spent the last couple of days with Grandmama, Natalie's Great-Grandmama. We had a lot of fun with the family and can't wait to make it back over soon. Natalie is talking more and more. She learned to say "shshshoes" the other day. Chris is already clutching his wallet quite tightly. She also says "bubbles" and "uh-oh". We thought uh-oh was so cute, but since she is using it appropriately, I'm learning to jump fast when she says this. Here are the pics and then, hang on for the random facts.


Natalie eating breakfast with Aunt Pam. Natalie is a big eater and this was her third breakfast of the morning.









Grandmama and Natalie are having a good time looking at each other. Natalie is giving out a kiss in the next picture.




Natalie is attacking Dustin...then the Jack in the Box is attacking Natalie. She thought this thing was hilarious, but she a little afraid too...














8 Random Facts about me...

1. I rarely ever drive with my shoes on...

2. I discovered yesterday that jelly fish really do sting every part of your body they touch.

3. I cannot run effectively in water.

4. I hate go carts.

5. I do not like any creature that God created on the fifth day. If it has wings or scales, I have no need for it.

6. I hardly ever use a pillow.

7. I always check the protein content of my chocolate, it makes me feel better.

8. I sleep with Christopher Robin ;-)

Now, I'm tagging Mom, Dad, DJ, Sarah, Beth, Scott D., Aunt Martha, and finally, my hubby. I'd better here back from you all! (For anyone interested, click on Megan, she has the best list.)

Miracle Bash

Yesterday we had a back to school bash at the church. I should say, God had a back to school bash at the church. He blessed us by allowing us to bask in His presence. He brought over 1500 people to the church. He gave away 680 backpacks, complete with school supplies each child would need. He gave away clothes and shoes and jewelery. He gave away modern day loaves and fishes that we call hot dogs and hamburgers. He fed over 1300 people, and we had just enough left over. People walked into the door and asked Ms. Alma and me,

"are the school supplies really free?"

"yes."

How bout the clothes, are they really free?"

"yes, it's all free."

"Even the snow cones, the hot dogs, and the Bibles."

"Definitely, free, enjoy your day."

"The inside games, the face painting and stuff."

"Seriously, no strings, it's all free have fun."

That conversation was repeated literally a thousand times. I can't tell you how many miracles we each saw yesterday. We had mostly the same backpacks, with a few exceptions. We had all the same ones left for the middle schoolers. I picked up the bag and handed it to a cute 6th grader. As I picked it up, there was a backpack underneath I hadn't seen before. He stopped, stared, and said, "mam, can I have that one, that's the one I've been wanting." My answer, "yes, God put it here just for you today." I've never seen brighter eyes. God gave a homeless woman school supplies for her kids, clothes, food, and most of all hope." We're going to keep working with her. Parents that can't afford to take their kids on vacation, thanked workers countless times for the day. They told us their kids NEVER get to do anything like this because they can't afford it. And, there was the woman who came to church this morning. I had the privilege of sitting next to her. She thanked the church for the supplies for her grand kids. And for the baby stuff for her daughter's child, due in a few months. She said she had to come and see these people today who loved others so much. Miracle, after miracle, after miracle. We did nothing fancy. We gave out free food, free clothes, and free school supplies. We had games. God, He did all the fancy stuff. He made backpacks appear and kept the food and drinks coming. He gave out the laughter and the music. He painted faces and handed out His word. He laughed, hugged, kissed, and talked. He is God, and He showed up to do what God does. Miracles. One man asked why everything was free. Our go to guy-Paul-said because God's love, it's free.

Free. Miracles for the taking... Anyone interested? ;-)

Some pics from the day...

PS. We had four huge slides, sitting on our retention pond. We had a lot of rain this week. This ground should have had several inches of water standing it after all the rain Friday. On Saturday morning it was dry...lots of miracles.

Natalie Blue Eyes

Just a few pics from this weekend. Natalie enjoys tormenting Lexi (black dog) and Mocha. Lexi takes anything, we should have named her Eeyore. Mocha isn't so sure about Natalie. Have a great day!

"Deep fried baby Jesus"

Well, now that I have your attention. This "title" came about last weekend when our friends, Heather and Amy were here. To set the mood, we had been together all weekend, had numerous alter universe experiences, and laughed a ton. This leads us to Sunday night and tired. Tired being the place where all good spiritual conversations get their start. As we were discussing different denominations, Heather said that she believes Oprah is the pastor of the largest church in America. I agreed and said that I believe Oprah's theology is a bit like the movie Runaway Bride. In the movie, Julia Robert's character always likes her eggs the same way that her boyfriend does. I said I think Oprah is like this with Jesus. She appears to have a varying relationship with him based on who she is talking with. Mix this conversation in with a little Taladagga Nights and you get "deep fried baby Jesus." All joking aside, I've rolled this around in my head a lot this week. As Christians we tend to conform Jesus to our ideas, rather then conforming our ideas to Jesus' standard. If I want to do something questionable today, say a sin, I scramble Jesus. I say He is confusing, contradictory and hard to understand. If I'm angry I throw Him into the pot and boil Him. I yell and scream and pretend that He told me this life would be easy, when He in fact, told me the opposite. Sometimes, we even dress Jesus up to look appealing. Very, very audacious of us. We sprinkle bread crumbs on emotions and throw Him into the grease when it's hot. We wait until people are tired and we talk about hell and grandma waiting for us in heaven and we guilt people into conversions, but not relationships. We start as spiritual babies and we are too content to allow others to stay this way. Or worse, we are more then content to never grow up ourselves. As a pastor's wife I have caught myself saying many times, "when we can all graduate from middle school, Christians will be effective." My egg list could go on and on. We poach Him, fry Him hard, and occasionally we serve Jesus over easy, so as not to offend anyone. Jesus is Jesus. He is Savior and Lord. He cannot be changed. Our descriptions hurt us, not Him. We expect lesser things from Jesus when we make Him anything but exalted in our lives. Jesus refers to us, the Church, as His bride. I think it is time we all stop running away.

I'm back...

Hooray for us!!! We finally have the Internet at our house. I can rejoin civilization and be a part of life again. It's so funny that we moved to a huge city, but without Internet, I felt more isolated then I did in Iowa. Anyways, most of you know we weren't getting Internet until I have a job. So...obviously, I got a job. God totally set this up. I'm going to be joining Megan with Hospice. I'll be working as a PRN social worker for hospice. This is ideal for me because I get to tell them when I'm available to work. This is a huge hospice, with over 1,000 patients currently, so they need the help. They tell me that they will most likely be able to schedule me when I want to work. I'm excited and nervous. I went into social work so I could work at hospice. Now that the opportunity is here, I'm a little scared. But, I'm also looking forward to walking people through the only thing we all have in common in this life. I ask for your prayers as I learn. There are five offices, four houses, and a triage location, so I have a lot to learn. Any advice Megan???
As for being here, we are liking it. Natalie threw her first official tantrum the other day. It lasted longer then 30 minutes and carried over into three rooms. Every time I left the room to ignore her, she stopped crying walked to me so she knew I could see her, then threw herself back down and screamed. It was lovely. My mom tells me that persistence is an admirable quality to have. I'll appreciate it more when she is persistently doing something productive. :-) Chris is great and loving it here. It feels like home to him and I can tell he is good. Without corn pollen to be allergic to, he is exercising, losing weight, and moving forward. I didn't realize how bad he felt in Iowa until we were here for a while. However, to all you Iowa folks, we do miss you terribly. I still wish we could have moved you with us. I look forward to heaven for many reasons, one of which is so that we can finally be all together. I'll update with pics soon. Have a great day of worship tomorrow. God is good!

Lots of pictures

Sorry it has been so long. We've been on a trip to Iowa, West Virginia, celebrated Natalie's first birthday, and been busy with summer. I don't have long, but I wanted to put pictures on here for you all. These pictures are from Natalie's birthday party in both Iowa and West Virginia. There are also some from our zoo trip with Padre' and Nanny. Enjoy...more soon. Love you all!