IT

All humans operate this way. If I keep this thought inside my head, if I keep IT (the thought) tucked far away from my mouth, then I can keep IT from being real. But, if I let IT slip, if I say what I am thinking out loud, IT may happen. I'm not sure I can handle that. Speaking IT always comes with packed emotions.

Today IT was many things. I said to him, "you have taken amazing care of your wife. You've done a beautiful job. But your own health is declining, what do you see as your options for her now?" Big, robust, man with tears finding their route through his laugh lines, said to me, "I know, she may have to go a nursing home, I may have to go to an assisted living." He cried. He told me about how they met, their honeymoon, their children, their life. He loved her so much, he said, "and taking care of her these last seven years has been my priveledge". She painted everything in their home. He admitted he felt like he would no longer have a purpose if he wasn't caring for her. My job today was to remind him that she still needed him, even if she was not in his house anymore. He eventually agreed that her face still lights up when he walks into the room. A few minutes later I introduced myself to her. No response. He came in behind me. She gave him the most beautiful smile in the world. She still knows him. Even if it's buried somewhere deep down, she knows that he is her love.

IT was also in another home. A great family to support her, but she admits, when it is just she and I, that this dying is weird. I told her that I have wondered what it must feel like to know. "You wonder", she said, "I'll tell you, it's like holding onto the edge of the cliff with just your fingernails. You don't know whether to give up and let go, or fight with all your might to climb." "It's weird." I told her that was a good description. I have a better picture in my mind. She then said,
"but I've had a great life, I've done everything I wanted, so I guess it's time."

My personal IT for the day? Could I say that out loud? I've done everything I wanted to do. How do you live a life that you can look back on and say you've done everything you wanted to? How can you be open enough to let a stranger in your home and confess you feel like your hanging off a cliff? How do you get to be that real?

That's my IT for the day. If I don't admit that I'm not always authentic then I can convince myself that I am authentic.

I'm not always authentic.

Does typing IT count?