I've had these thoughts spinning around in my head the last few weeks. Between a crashed home computer, non stop action, and the fact that the thoughts wouldn't stop spinning, I haven't been able to type. Tonight, I've hijacked Chris' work laptop, which I'm pretty sure is slower then Chris is right now after surgery.
Anyways, these thoughts. Every night I come home from work and we take care of the kids. Every night they go to bed and one of us cleans up the kitchen. Every night I go to bed with the counters cleared and dishes being washed in the dishwasher. But somehow, every night, I step into that kitchen and I wonder how in the world it became so messy when we spend most of the day away from home.
Then the guilt starts to set in. "I should spend more time with my kids." "I should have a cleaner house." "I should have ensured a healthier dinner tonight." "I need to help Natalie with her school project, when will find time for that?" "How can we possibly be so busy?" Usually, I have the kitchen cleaned back up about the time I have successfully beaten myself down.
Then, a change in thinking. Acceptance. It's something I talk about with people all the time. Now I'm starting to apply it. I'm starting to accept that not only am I not Martha Stewart, most days, I don't want to be. I'm accepting that we will have a messy house. Not dirty or stinky (I've been in some of the worst) but just messy. Each night, my house will look a tornado filled with toys, trash, sippy cups, and gold fish descended and stayed for a long, long time. I will always wish for more time. I'm accepting the busyness. I still don't like it, but until I acknowledge it, we will always be working around it. I'm accepting that I procrastinate. That even if we had every evening free for the two weeks leading up to Natalie's school projects, we probably still would not start it until the last possible moment. It's just who I am. It doesn't mean I won't work towards a better me, but it does mean I let the current me off the hook a bit.
Tonight I was putting Natalie to bed and she asked me to sing, "today has been." My mom sang this song to me growing up, I can close my eyes and still hear her singing it.
"Today has been a busy day,
A long and tiring one too,
So I must go to sleepy town,
My rest is long overdue.
Tomorrow will be another very,
Very busy day.
So I must go to sleepy town,
And fall asleep right away,
Yes, I must go to sleepy town,
And fall asleep right away."
Tonight I played with Natalie's hair and wondered what my mom thought about when she sang this song to me. Then I had to smile. Anyone that knew me growing up, knows we didn't keep a perfectly straight house. Mom always tells me she was going to teach me not to procrastinate, but never got around to it. We were super busy. And yet, I have to work to remember all of that. Memories that easily come are being sung to before bedtime, eating together almost every night, going to church, and having friends over. Somehow all of that was greater then the house. Somehow her love for us was simply what mattered.
So I closed Natalie's door tonight. I walked into the kitchen and smiled. Instead of beating myself up tonight, I called my mom. I talked with her while I was cleaning the kitchen. Then I laughed a lot when I heard the toilet flush through the phone. "I'm not going to the bathroom," she said, "I'm just cleaning the toilet while we talk."
Very thankful today that I'm more like my mom all of the time. I used to deny that, but I'm grateful for her. I would like to be more her then Martha any day, any time.
