Our beautiful daughter

My lovely daughter still does not sleep well through the night. Her four week old brother sleeps better then her. Everything I read about this tells me that it's time to stop rocking her to sleep or staying by her bed until she falls asleep, it says that when she learns to put herself to sleep, she will sleep through the night. All fine and good, except Natalie does fall asleep by herself and still doesn't sleep through the night. She just has this burning desire to alert us anytime she is awake. She may want a drink but she just wants to touch base. We are now desperate and trying all kinds of things to help her. Here are some recent, funny (now that's it's morning) really irritating conversations with her in the middle of the night.

We gave her a flashlight (she can't sleep with a nightlight on) so she can find her drink two inches from her on the nightstand without our assistance. We played with the flashlight and talked about it all day. She was excited. "Remember", we told her, "you don't have to wake up mommy and daddy if you need a drink, just turn on your light and get it."

11:30 PM. Blood curdling scream from Natalie, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

I go sprinting any there.

"Hey Mommy, I woke up, turned on my light and got a drink, all by myself. I didn't even wake you up."

I said, "yep that's great, now let's see if you can do this all night and just count how many times you wake up. You can tell mommy in the morning how many times you got a drink by yourself."

A few nights later:

2:10 am. Blood curdling scream from Natalie: "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
He goes in and she can't find her flashlight. Chris explains again that we are tired and we are sleeping. He gets her light and says, "please let daddy sleep, daddy is tired."

3 something am: "Mommy! Mommy!" (only two Mommy's I had just finished feeding Micah)
"Natalie what do you want?"

"Well, Mommy, I yelled for you cause Daddy wants to sleep."

Okay, new plan. STICKERS. She gets two stickers every time she goes all night without yelling for us. She can use these stickers to earn all kinds of things, ice cream, more stickers, an extra tv show, a doll, or her current ultimate desire: a jump rope. She must save 20 stickers for it. First night of stickers, home girl slept all night and didn't wake us up. We praised her and praised her and gave her the two stickers. Next night, she slept all night. Throughout the day she earns stickers for other things too and yesterday she cashed in ten stickers for the doll. We explained she starts over now and can earn them all again. She seemed cool with this.

Last night:

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" (I'm dragging in her room.)

"I need help finding the flashlight."

"Natalie it's right there, remember you won't get a sticker now okay?"

"that's okay, Mommy, I just want the light."

It's been three years, two months, and twenty-three days.

We are NEVER going to sleep again.

Any ideas?

The grocery store

I saw her at the grocery store tonight. She was not making eye contact with anyone. She was walking through the isles, head down, only barely looking up to grab the items she needed. She seemed to be on an absolute mission to get in and out without talking to anyone. It's probably why she picked a Sunday afternoon to go there, maybe there is less chance of running into anyone who knows anything.

She is the wife of one my patients that died not long ago. I watched her, wondering if I should approach her. I watched other people hurry by her, her lack of eye contact made her very easy to ignore. I watched person after person fly by her, in and out, all focused on the most mundane task of grocery shopping.

Emily said in church this morning, this Bible study is to help us, "do life together." Her words echoed in my mind as I left the store. Life is so ordinary. Life happens all the time. Life occurs while we run past people who are so hurt. How can one person be in so much pain, surrounded by others, and no one notice? How did they not see her sadness? How was it so missable?

I chose not to speak with her this time. I prayed for her to feel God all around her today, but for reason's I'll never fully explain, I chose not to reveal her wound in the store of strangers, where she could hide. I knew if I spoke to her, she would have to talk again, she did not appear to want that.

And, by the grace of God, she could be me. Her husband, just four years older then mine when he was diagnosed. He died two years later, leaving her with three children. My kids would be nine and six. I chose to leave her alone, because she reminded me of me the day I met her. I know that if it were me in the store today, I would have gone alone to be alone. Something must feel ordinary after such great loss. Maybe Publix could be her ordinary today. She didn't need her hospice social worker to shatter that for her.

Right or wrong to not approach her? I'll never know. I have to believe right, because God would have let me run right into her if not. Right because she needed to be prayed over, even if she never knew the prayer was whispered within her ear shot, just behind her. Right because God reminded me today that we NEVER KNOW.

We never know what those around us are experiencing. Life is so very hard. People are everywhere. I'll bet everyday we are face to face with strangers experiencing unimaginable pain. Try to notice them tomorrow. Try to pick them out, and pray, if you should approach them or not. By all means, don't miss them. They are so sad.

I came home, hugged my husband and went about this evening. How I wish she could have done the same.

Picture blog

Life is getting busier as Micah is becoming more alert and aware of his surrondings. He still sleeps a lot, but is definetly opening his eyes more too. He loves his sister and often responds to her more then the rest of us. He is a thumb sucker and Natalie has discovered if she gives him her fingers, he will suck them too. Of course, she washes her hands first. It just cracks us up.

Micah is growing, growing, growing. And, yes, he is mad enough about wearing the hat that he is standing mostly on his own, I love newborn reflexes. :-) If only the reflexes wouldn't disappear so quickly. I promise he looks bigger and different to me all the time. Here are several pictures during the last few weeks. Enjoy!

Saturday mornings

Saturday, two weeks ago, Natalie climbed into our bed to snuggle in and watch cartoons. This "on demand" child has become accustomed to any show that she wants to watch being available to her whenever she is ready. Except for Strawberry Shortcake. This show only comes on Saturday mornings at 7. This show makes her appreciate the cartoon world that we used to know as Saturday mornings.

So, back to two weeks ago. She climbed into our bed and started watching her show. She wiggles and snuggles, giggles and talks, making it impossible to sleep late. Chris groaned and I suggested we soak it up because this would be our last Saturday just us three. Chris and I both laid there quietly as that statement hung in the air between us. Then, we enjoyed the morning together, a berry morning and all.

This past Saturday, I was lying in bed, feeding Micah when Natalie joined us. As Chris turned on her cartoon, we all got settled and I had to laugh. This felt SO normal. All four of us, as if life had always been this way. "Was that really just two weeks ago", I said to myself. Then I felt a twinge of guilt. I was almost mad then at the idea of my last Saturday with just my baby girl. Today, nothing, and I mean nothing, is better then the four of us. I don't know how our hearts grow to accommodate the love we have for our children, but yet again I am amazed. I knew I would love Micah. I knew he would be every bit as precious as Natalie is to me. But I could never understand until I met him.

In just two weeks, he has gracefully landed in our home and hearts. In just two weeks, I can't remember not thinking of him and praying for him. I say in just two weeks, it really was two seconds. I heard him cry and instantly I was consumed by both of my babies. I wanted to know he was okay and I wondered what Natalie would think, all at the same time. I love them both for a million reasons, most of all, because God made them mine.

Having Natalie gave me a better understanding of God's unconditional love for me. Having Micah gave me a better understanding of His unconditional love for us all. I never understood how He doesn't have favorites or love some more then others. Now I know. Regardless of it all, God says He loves us because we are His. We have His attention, His grace, and His love. Simply and only because we are His.

That makes me "berry" grateful indeed.