30

I turned 30 last week. I had a great day, Chris, Natalie, and everyone spoiled me a bit. That's always fun. Chris drew me an awesome picture of tulips and framed it to match our room. (plus he and Natalie gave a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure- I can't wait.) I am more then impressed with him all of the time. We went out last night and had a date. I love that we still have fun. Here are a few pictures~ enjoy the very preggo belly. :-)






And my goal for this year, well, it's a big one. My goal for my thirtieth year on this earth is:

I want to finish peeing before the toilet automatically flushes and splashes my butt.

Let's pray that I can make that happen.

To my patient

I am so sorry.

I'm sorry that your death was as chaotic as your life.

I'm sorry that despite all of our efforts, your parents made life miserable for you up till your last breath.

I'm sorry that it all went down the way it did last night.

I'm sorry that you felt like your mom was "finally being a mom" simply because she was present.

I'm sorry that your family continued to steal your medications.

I'm sorry you died last night without anything for pain, because of their decisions.

I'm sorry you didn't have anything for pain because I feel like somehow, being the destroyer of your narcotics, makes me to blame as well.

I'm sorry that we weren't there.

I'm sorry that the law wouldn't let us go later.

I'm sorry you died there, you told me you didn't want to be there.

I'm sorry you were younger then me.

I'm sorry you never really knew what a mom was supposed to be about.

I'm sorry your dad was as he is.

I'm sorry that the entire system failed you from the day you were born until this morning, the day you died.

I'm sorry that for the first time in my life, it was your death that made me believe there are some people who really cannot be helped.

I'm sorry that it will take me a few days to sort through this and know we did make your life better.

I'm sorry all we could offer were bandages for physical wounds, hands to check you over, and an ear to hear only a piece of who you were.

Most of all, I'm sorry that you were never, ever, ever, given a chance to discover who you were.

Really.

I am so very sorry.

A much needed update

Here is a much overdue update from our household. Between work, church, vacations, Natalie, house remodeling and just pure exhaustion, this blog has definitely taken a back seat. But, here we go.

Momma duck is still sitting on her eggs. We are trying to determine the best way to tell her they are likely not going to hatch. Any ideas?

We all ventured to Disney World last weekend. We met up with Chris' Mom, Grandmama, and other family for the Magic Kingdom last Friday. Then my parents came down for the weekend and we went with them to Animal Kingdom on Saturday. Natalie was fairly impressed this time around with the all the activity. The whole weekend she just really, really, really, wanted to see Minnie Mouse. Late Saturday, she had her chance. Mickey and Minnie were together. She totally by passed Mickey, who offered her a high five, and ran to Minnie, and gave her a hug and kiss. Here is the cute picture of the event.



Then back to real life this week. Work has been busier then I could ever explain. I've got far more patients on a caseload then I should, but it changes so fast. They are trying to get our numbers back down, which will be nice.

And, the pregnancy is going well. I do have gestational diabetes again. :-( Very distraught about this. I had pretty well convinced myself that I didn't have it with Natalie, but the three hour test here confirmed it all. My numbers were pretty high. So I'm back on a strict diet of lots of protein and not so much of anything that I like. My blood sugar is being a little more unpredictable this time around too. It's either pretty low or a little high. I see the doctor again this week and am curious to see what they say. I'm being good though, so it's frustrating. As for the baby, he's bouncing and moving and seems quite active. Natalie is enjoying singing to him and feeling him kick her. Pray for her though. I don't think she is grasping that he will be out of my belly one day. :-)Here is a good prego pic while I'm convincing Natalie to stand with Jimminy Cricket.



We are starting to plan for my baby girl's third birthday party in a few weeks. I still can't wrap my mind around that. I look at her with her new hair cut and know there is no baby left in that child. She's independent, feisty, bold, hysterical, and quite loving. If this boy is laid back I'm afraid he won't stand a chance against her.



Well, that's all for now, we are off for groceries and all that is Saturday. Have a great weekend!

Congratulations!!!

Dear Doctor DJ,

We are so very proud of you (and Sarah). We love you and will miss you dearly while you are in Minnesota. I hope you love it there, but want to move closer in three years only because of the weather. :-) Congratulations!

All of us.

Let's rub bellies

The rounder my belly becomes, the more fascinated Natalie is becoming with it. Tonight, she decided our bellies should touch. I can't believe I'm about to post these pictures, but they are really cute of her. Have a great weekend!

Momma Duck Part Five

I've not written much about "momma duck" lately because, well, she hasn't done much lately.

She's been eating, drinking water, and sitting around on her eggs. I feel for her. :-) Except, the sitting on her eggs, I just feel like a nice round egg these days.

But, yesterday she and I had another chat. EVERYONE has been telling us to give Momma Duck water. This has made me laugh because I'm quite sure she is capable of getting her own water. But, after enough people have asked, told, begged, and called to check, we have given in and started giving this dumb duck water. I mean, she's the one who chose to nest next to my front door.

Anyways, I've digressed. Back to yesterday. I knelt down to fill up her bowl and she pecked me!!! She, pecked my hand!!!!

I reacted like any other normal sane person. I told her "no!" Just like I talk to my dogs. She tilted her head sideways in a very Mocha like fashion. I think she was trying to figure out what no meant.

I said, "listen hear momma, I've let you sit at my door for weeks now, I've let my daughter feed you, I've even gone so far as to check on your sixteen eggs every night at 8 pm because I know that's when you are gone. I've made other ducks leave and held my dogs back. I've listened to lectures given on your behalf about how I should purchase food for you and provide you water. But, this my fellow momma is it. I have a line and congratulations you just found it. No more pecking my hand...and no more pecking any other male ducks around here, you have enough eggs!!!"

Feeling much better, I bent down, poured her water and left for church. She still looked a little wide eyed when I came home today. I think, I possibly taught a duck what the word "no" means.

I wonder when I'll finally get Natalie to understand?

A few beach pictures

Here are a few pictures from yesterday at the beach. We escaped for a few hours, I do love living in Florida. :-)

A much needed update.

This blog will mostly be pictures from the last couple of weeks. I have more to post, but I'll get to them soon. Here are some pics from Easter Sunday and one of our new van. Natalie likes it, but she keeps asking me where my car is. There are also a few of Natalie and Mocha. You've heard the saying, "a boy and his dog." Well, our new baby boy is going to have to choose Lexi, because Mocha is all Natalie's. It was overnight that she went from tormenting Mocha to wanting her close to her. Mocha follows Natalie everywhere. If she is taking a bath, Mocha is sitting next to the tub. If Natalie is in the backyard, Mocha is too. If Natalie is watching TV, Mocha is beside her. They are quite the pair. I snapped a couple of these pictures when Natalie laid down beside of Mocha.

A whole new world

Just a quick blog to say that today, we officially joined the minivan world. We did our research, mostly knew what we wanted, weren't going to buy today, got a great deal, bought a minivan, drove it home, and stared at each other.

It is a great deal.

We have a mini van.

Pictures to follow soon.

For life

John Waller - The Blessing
From the album The Blessing

Chorus:
Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing for life

For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation

It's the third time in three weeks I've been asked the question; and, it's really starting to get on my nerves.

"Can't we just, *wink wink* hurry this up?" Or, in this case a similar question:
"So at what point will hospice go ahead and put her in a drug induced coma."

I no longer have the horrified look on my face that some of you have reading this. The question bothers me and irritates me and makes me angry, but it no longer shocks me.

"We don't do that" I say. We make sure our patients our comfortable. In the last few days of a natural progression to death, people are often unresponsive due to their disease, not our medication.

My answer is almost ALWAYS followed by the individual saying, "well I had this friend that died in hospice and that's what they did for him."

Again, I'll say, something like, Well I don't know what your friend's situation was; however, this is not an option. On a very rare occasion do we ever have to medicate someone that heavily. We only do it when their pain is so out of control it is inhumane and all other methods of pain control have been exhausted. Then and only then, will a doctor ever consider enough medication for pallative sedation. We NEVER make anything go faster.

Something about Friday morning. The family I was having this conversation with is driving me crazy. We aren't even sure their mom is appropriate for hospice (meaning I'm not sure her prognosis is six months or less) and they are asking us when we'll make her sleep. At least with other families it tends to be because their loved one has suffered and fought for years. Not so much with this family. They just have their lives to get back to.

I got in my car and replayed that daughters ramblings in my mind as I drove to the next home. Not even 24 hours ago and I was having such a different conversation.

"Do you understand how sick your wife is?"

That's all I had to ask and he sat with me and cried. He's in his ninety's and she's almost there. She wanted to live to take care of him. It's not looking like she'll get her wish.

I pulled out one of our books that walks through the dying process and read through it with him. Tears were running down his cheeks as he saw so much of her on those pages. He's hesitant to give the medications because he doesn't want to hurt her. He wants to have her with him for more days. They've been together over sixty years and he wants more. As does she.

It took my almost ten minutes to walk her from the living room back to her bed. She is existing on sheer will and determination at this point. She is only allowing us to provide extra care because she believes it will help him. She is still fighting to take care of him. She wants more days too.

I got her comfy in bed, kissed her head, told her I loved her and walked out. She was sound asleep before I got down the hall. I sat back down with him for a few minutes more and was on my way.

Two very different families. It's Sunday, and after a very full weekend, I still can't process these scenes happening so close together. That's the nature of working with hospice.

It's a good weekend to process it all. It's a good weekend to remember that Jesus conquered death a long time ago. It feels good to celebrate that today. Unless Jesus returns, death will come to all of us. In different ways at different times. But it's arrival is a certainty. So is death's ending. I can't wait for Jesus to come, take us all home, and let us live together. No pain, no medicine, no *wink wink*, no goodbyes.

And knowing that everyday I truly live in a world where God has set death and life right before me, I pray that it will be said of me, that I lived to be a blessing for life.

Wonder Pets

Okay for this blog to make any sense, you will probably need to watch the following clip. You should especially listen to the chant at the beginning of this video.



Natalie loves Wonder Pets. I think I've been a good sport with a lot of shows. I'm fine with Dora, Diego, Blues Clues, and almost anything else. But, Wonder Pets for me is torture. I could rattle my list of reasons why, they are not valid. I don't like them because I don't. (I'm now using Natalie's logic).

Anyways, my dear darling daughter has been constipated for over a week. Every few days we go through lots of crying before she finally gives up and poops. I was chatting with my friend Melanie last week and she gave me an idea for a "poop song." A song that will entertain a child while convincing them to stay on the potty and try to poop.

Tonight I became desperate enough to invent such a song. This, people, is what I came up with:

Wonder poop
Wonder poop
We're on our way
To help Natalie
And save the day.
We might be big
And we might go plop
But once we start
We won't stop.
Go wonder poop.

My life is now about singing poop songs. I know this because Natalie laughed, was entertained, and did poop.

As I put her to bed I always sing her song. Tonight, she requested Wonder Poop.

Thanks Mel.

The duck

Fourteen eggs. That's all I have to say.

The Saga of a Duck Part- Tre

So the story continues with our nice friends and neighbors visiting us on Sunday. Robert, Emily, and their daughter, Avery come by the house and feed our "mommy duck." I feel slightly guilty as I haven't offered this little mother to be the slightest scrap of food. Natalie watched as Robert fed her and sure enough, we feed her once a day now too. She is shedding feathers on top of the eggs so we have no idea how many eggs there are. A lot is my best guess. Far more then the baby I'm carrying. Of course mommy duck will be done raising these babies by the time I birth mine so maybe a lot isn't so bad for her after all. Anyways, here is a video of Natalie feeding her tonight. Mommy duck still chirps at me, glares at me, and can make me feel a bit uneasy. All who know me know that I'm not a fan of anything with wings. I think she has sensed this about me. But, little Natalie, well she'll just eat out of Natalie's hand...

The yucky bug...

Chris usually has Thursdays off from the church. We call this "Daddy, Natalie day." Last Thursday, Chris brings Natalie to our room and says, "I think we have a sick one." Little did we know what this weekend would bring. She had the stomach bug and was sick all day Thursday. She would say she was going to "choke" again and he went running. I took Friday off with her and she appeared some better, but still not well.

Saturday Chris wakes up with half the bug, he was "choking" but he was not well. Natalie wasn't well yet either. So day two of taking care of her and day one of taking care of him. Sunday morning, Natalie wakes at 5:30 with lots of stuff in her pull up. I'm thinking, "seriously?" Then at 7 she throws up again. She looks at me with sad, sad, eyes and says, "mommy, will you take me to the doctor so he can make me better?" I told her that since she was going on day four, she had earned herself a trip. I called the doctor and they saw her. Basically I had done everything wrong for her on Saturday. I'd given her chicken noodle soup, let her have some water, let her eat some pasta, (I thought she was better.) The nurse and doc told me soup is bad for the stomach bug. We went on the brat diet with both Daddy and Natalie. Chris was on day two of being sick and wasn't any better. I'm thinking, what happened to the 24 hour bug?

Yesterday was a hard day. Natale wanted to be carried so much that my back still hurts. Chris was miserable. Natalie was not well. Then, Natalie's toilet wouldn't flush. We didn't have a plunger, because we hadn't needed one yet. So, I leave my husband propped up in the living room by the recliner and a blanket, Dora on the TV, hoping Natalie won't move or need anything and race to Target. Purchased said plunger and back to the house. Fun times.

Finally, this morning, they both appear to be on the upswing. Both have had some food and had lots of Gatorade to drink. I'm off work and can hopefully go back tomorrow. We are all praying that I don't get this horrible bug. And I'm praying you don't either.

I must go. My hands are so cracked from sanitizer that I bought some gloves to clean with while I was at Target. The cleaning is calling me...

A pic of my sick ones yesterday:

Duck Saga-Part Dos

Eight eggs now people. Eight.

Tonight on my way in the door I noticed this other duck approaching what I now refer to as "our" nest. I told this stranger duck to "shoo, go on, get away." Momma duck, who is sitting on her eggs, looks at me and quietly chirps. Not quacks, this is, after all, a mutant duck that swims in a retention pond.

Mommy duck looks at me, looks at the other duck and chirps again. I say, "OHHH, is this their daddy? Do you want him here? I see. Well, okay."

She chirps again and looks away.

I realize I just had a conversation with a duck.

And after the crazy day with some of my hospice patients, I decided it was the most logical conversation I'd had all day.

The saga of a Duck-Part 1

Tuesday morning I walked to the house after a long day at work. I noticed an egg laying just inside the mulch right beside our front door. We have dozens of ducks in our neighborhood who enjoy splashing in the retention pond down the street. This is clearly a duck egg. Why on earth would that stupid duck lay an egg here? We are in and out of this door all the time. Our dogs look out this window and bark like crazy at the ducks. Why here?

Wednesday morning. Two eggs.

Thursday morning. Three eggs...and the duck. I drop stuff on the sidewalk. I make noise. I stare at the eggs. I try my best to communicate this is not a good place for a nest. The duck simply stares at me. "Why here?" I ask her...no response.

Friday morning. Four eggs.

Friday night. We have company, several couples from our church are coming over for dinner. Each couple is greeted by two ducks in our front yard doing the urban duck love dance. Great.

Saturday morning. Five eggs.

How many eggs do mutant ducks lay? I have no idea. But, I'm pretty sure we'll find out by Easter.

Let's recap, shall we?

This is me at roughly 22 weeks with Natalie...

















Here is me at almost 15 weeks with baby number two...



I'm trying to enjoy this, I really, really am...but I'm feeling slightly traumatized.

The rest of the story.

There was a detail I left out of the Marathon blog so as not to take away from Chris and Emily's accomplishment. Now that it's been a few days and I'm finally feeling less sore, I thought I would share.

Do you know how many times a two year old needs to use the potty during a 26 mile run? A lot. We used porta potties. This involved holding her up with her legs straight out trying to convince her to pee even though, "my butt's not touching anything Mommy."

Every time she needed to pee we were waiting for Chris to turn the corner. He was always so close. On the beach, I picked her up, ran across the walkaway, held her over the potty, ran back to the beach gasping for air. I didn't train for this. We used the country club restroom, the dairy queen restroom, and yet, more porta potties. All in all by the end of the day, she and I were tired. Daddy ran 26 miles. We found all the cool places to pee along the route.

Natalie in the country club restroom and she and I still together after the marathon...

Marathon

Wow!!!

Chris and Emily finished the marathon!!!

I am so impressed with both of them. Yesterday was an expo and since it was a breast cancer marathon, all things were pink. We acquired a lot of stuff. I'll let the pictures tell you about the weekend. We had a blast.

The first few are of Natalie and Avery at the Expo. They had big banners everyone could sign...Emily ran in memory of Beverly a beautiful woman from West Jax church, Chris ran in honor of Aunt Jo...who was diagnosed last summer.







The last ones are of the race and post race, enjoy...







So I didn't get Emily in the center...but she was running...

The New Kid

So there's this new kid at our house. Nope, not the baby. This kid has red, curly, long, straight, hair. He drives a car and meets Natalie at the playground. He tickles Daddy and Mommy. He eats with us and tells us when Natalie is sad, or happy, or mad, or well, you get the point. His name? "Buddy Buddy." Yep, our very first imaginary friend. Buddy Buddy is quite the jokester and is forever helping Natalie in various tasks.

Unfortunately for Mocha. Poor, poor, poor, Mocha. Buddy Buddy has only increased the level of trauma to this most forgiving wonderful dog. Lexi has managed to bypass all sightings of Buddy Buddy. Mocha wishes she could be so lucky. But, just in case any of you ever wanted to buy Mocha some clothes, 3T does seem to fit her well....