"The day it stops bothering you is the day you should quit".
This is my response every time people ask me how I can work with dying individuals and it not "bother me". I'm never sure what the asker means by "bother", because that word is as nuanced as it sounds.
"Bother", do they mean it makes me sad? "Bother", do they mean I think about it later? "Bother", meaning I'm angry? "Bother", as if something is wrong with me since I do this work.
Contextualizing the journey of someone as they anticipate their death as a "bother" does a gross injustice to their story. Terminally ill patients often feel like they are the "bad thing" for making their family worry, for causing stress, for being the reason for tears and grief. The word bother, bothers me. Nonetheless, it is what I'm asked all of the time.
I've cared for some of the best humans on earth. Lovely people who have cared for their family, their neighbors, and everyone they've met. I've also held the hand of prisoners as they died alone, some sharing their stories, some denying them until their last breath. I've witnessed the room full of loved ones and the deafening silence of a family refusing to come. I've watched brain death tests, strokes, codes, traumas, and organ donation walks. I've seen people die at home, in nursing homes, in the ICU, in the ER, and on ambulance stretchers before they came in the door.
Every life, had one thing in common. They are all created in the image of God. The rest of their stories varied as widely as the day is from the night. The likeness is what matters, we are all created in His image and we all die.
A few months ago, I was with a man who had bounced between our hospital and long term care settings multiple times over the last year. We had found his family, but they didn't wish to visit. He understood their why. As I got to know his story, his loves, his mistakes, his dreams, and his nightmares, I asked him how he wanted to die. Did he want hospice care or ICU/machines? He made the decision for hospice, sharing that comfort wasn't something he had ever known in this lifetime, so he would like to experience it in his death. He was one of those rare people who spoke a lot the day before his death. It is so common for people to hallucinate and/or see people who have died before them. (Insert your beliefs about this phenomenon here, I can only tell you it happens, all the time). He talked to his deceased mom right before I walked back into his room. He told me they had "sorted it all out". I held his hand as he decided to say the Lord's Prayer. He restarted it over and over, not accepting help. He eventually said it all and ended with a "glory, glory, glory, hallelujah".
He then looked towards the nurses station and said "they are all cheering for you". I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up while also feeling instantly calm. I looked at the nurses station, seeing just one nurse typing at her computer. I looked back at him and said, "are you sure they are cheering?". He laughed and said, "you don't see them do you?" I told him no, but that I believed he did. I shared that I've witnessed dying people getting to see a very liminal space that I can't explain and don't see yet. He said, "they are proud of you, they cheer for you every time you walk in and out of here". My eyes filled with tears. I thought of so many people who I held as they died in this room. The prisoners and the lovely people. The kind and the terrible. The ordinary and the famous. I told him I was grateful they weren't mad. He assured me they weren't. He died the next day and his death stays with me now. Sometimes, when I walk in the ICU, I nod at that desk in case they are there, to acknowledge all the life lost in this space.
Death should "bother" us. The day it doesn't, is the day I should quit.
Which leads me to ask you, if you witness someone die, would it bother you? Would it make you sad? Would you think about it later? Would you carry some part of them with you? Would you allow yourself time later to grieve and ponder their life?
If you witnessed a public execution, would it bother you?
Here's what won't happen during that execution. Thirteen people will not come back to life because their killer dies. Thirteen grieving families will still leave empty handed. One individual will no longer know the innocence of not taking life. The image of God in one person will not be recognized.
Will justice be served? Maybe. Some questions, I have no answer to.
Here's the part we can't miss. This public execution is not about him. It is not about the thirteen people he killed. This is a litmus test to see if it "bothers" us. If it doesn't, then Pete gets to do it again. Maybe to another murderer, but maybe to someone on the street, but it is permission for him to continue.
Did Renee Good bother you? How about Alex Pretti? George Floyd? Dolly Parton?
Every death should bother us at a minimum.
If it does not, it says much more about you than the one who died.
A public execution is designed to see what we will allow our government to do out in the open, how much will we allow them to display a life being taken?
Will it bother you?
If not, who would they have kill for it to become a bother?
Because it shouldn't have to be someone we know for it to bother us. When we dehumanize one another, when we deny the image of God in each other, we lose sight of the value of life itself.
Bother...actually means "to cause worry, make an effort, or face a minor annoyance".
I sincerely hope the minimum reaction for any death is that it bothers all of us.
