A photo update

Natalie is doing so many new things these days that it's hard to keep up with her. She is talking more and more each day. She sings the "clean up" song, patty cake (usually with her feet), and any other song we teach her that day. She definitely has an opinion about most anything and is not afraid to share that with us. I have no idea where her stubbornness comes from. :-) One of her new things is that she has graduated to a big girl bed. She has been out of her crib for a while. She just wouldn't rest comfortably in it. So we moved her to a toddler bed that she kept falling out of because we couldn't put rails on it. Poor girl slept on a mattress in the floor. Finally she stayed in it more nights then not, so we got her a twin. We can put a rail on it and life has been much quieter at night. It's nice for me because she looks small again in such a big bed. She loves it. Here are a few pics of her...



Natalie also LOVES to read. She reads by herself, she reads to us, she lets us read to her, she just loves it. Chris managed to capture this picture today before she saw the camera...it's a good picture of her love...

And the famous "cheeeeese" after she saw the camera...

Of course, the endless pursuit of Lexi and Mocha continues. Natalie firmly believes they should participate in her activities. If she eats, they do. She tells them when to go "night night" and when to wake up. They tolerate blankets on their heads, sunglasses over their eyes and being fed one morsel of food at a time when she decides to "help" them eat. They even get the pleasure of speaking on my phone when she lets them.



Amidst all the torture, as I type, Mocha is laying outside of Natalie's bedroom guarding her from the world. That, my friends is true love.
And, last, but not least, Natalie got her first tattoo a few weeks ago. I think it rather suits her personality. Don't you???

A NC miracle...

She weighs in at 1 lb 10 oz and growing. Her mom, Tricia, is on a vent waiting for a lung transplant. You see, Tricia has CF and this transplant will save her life. Baby Gwyneth is their miracle. Her dad has this faith that never ceases to amaze me. He started blogging long before she was born; but the blog has turned into a daily chapter of their lives. Megan showed me the blog and I have been captivated by their story since then. Look when you have a chance. All I ask is that if you look, you pray. This is their life. I find myself thinking and praying for them throughout the day. I've never met them, and, I probably never will on this side of eternity. Nevertheless, their family has stolen my heart. Maybe it's because it is a story of love. Maybe because it's a story of openness and authenticity. Maybe it's because I'm a new mom and I just desperately wish that Tricia could hold Gwyneth. Or, maybe it's because, in Christ, they are a part of my family, and you always, always, love and support your family. I am praying for you all Nate!!!

Here's the blog address:
http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/

Here is a link to a video of Gwyneth after she was born:
http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/2008/02/safe-and-sound.html#links

God

Okay so both sides say the following,

"Well, I'm sure God is not a Democrat."

"I'm sure God is not a Republican."

The next sentence is usually, but He probably would vote (fill in party of choice here).

Here's a radical news flash.

God would not vote.

God is not an American.

But, for the record, according to scripture, God is in Independent.

Jesus and Chris

Chris wore a suit to church yesterday.

Those of you who know him needed that space to collect your thoughts, pick your jaw up off the floor, and ponder if Jax has changed him after all.

Well, yes, he has changed, but only in a moving forward, God is good sort of way. He looked great in his suit. Then he discussed how some of us feel really hurt inside. Underneath. That's when he started stripping on stage. He showed everyone his hurt. There were many gasps and laughs as he took off his jacket...



After he talked about the hurt, he stripped again. Under the torn clothes, was a t-shirt. Chris explained how Jesus still walks with us when we are torn up inside. He walks with us when we are good inside too. It was a good message. His t-shirt said,
I love Jesus.

The rest of the day he wore his suit pants with that t-shirt.

Maybe Jacksonville hasn't changed him much after all.

PS. thanks Joanne for the picture and wonderful e-mail!

New Video

The following video was cut short because the tape ran out...even with this, I simply must share it with you. Please pray for our dogs...

IT

All humans operate this way. If I keep this thought inside my head, if I keep IT (the thought) tucked far away from my mouth, then I can keep IT from being real. But, if I let IT slip, if I say what I am thinking out loud, IT may happen. I'm not sure I can handle that. Speaking IT always comes with packed emotions.

Today IT was many things. I said to him, "you have taken amazing care of your wife. You've done a beautiful job. But your own health is declining, what do you see as your options for her now?" Big, robust, man with tears finding their route through his laugh lines, said to me, "I know, she may have to go a nursing home, I may have to go to an assisted living." He cried. He told me about how they met, their honeymoon, their children, their life. He loved her so much, he said, "and taking care of her these last seven years has been my priveledge". She painted everything in their home. He admitted he felt like he would no longer have a purpose if he wasn't caring for her. My job today was to remind him that she still needed him, even if she was not in his house anymore. He eventually agreed that her face still lights up when he walks into the room. A few minutes later I introduced myself to her. No response. He came in behind me. She gave him the most beautiful smile in the world. She still knows him. Even if it's buried somewhere deep down, she knows that he is her love.

IT was also in another home. A great family to support her, but she admits, when it is just she and I, that this dying is weird. I told her that I have wondered what it must feel like to know. "You wonder", she said, "I'll tell you, it's like holding onto the edge of the cliff with just your fingernails. You don't know whether to give up and let go, or fight with all your might to climb." "It's weird." I told her that was a good description. I have a better picture in my mind. She then said,
"but I've had a great life, I've done everything I wanted, so I guess it's time."

My personal IT for the day? Could I say that out loud? I've done everything I wanted to do. How do you live a life that you can look back on and say you've done everything you wanted to? How can you be open enough to let a stranger in your home and confess you feel like your hanging off a cliff? How do you get to be that real?

That's my IT for the day. If I don't admit that I'm not always authentic then I can convince myself that I am authentic.

I'm not always authentic.

Does typing IT count?

wow

It's hard to believe it's been this long since I've blogged. Life has just been that crazy the last two weeks. I am so tired that I'm forcing my eyes to stay open, rather then closing them while I type. And...it's only 7 pm. I'm getting old. But, I'm fighting sleepiness because when Natalie goes to sleep tonight, Chris and I are playing our new Nintendo Wii. Our search finally ended yesterday at a K-Mart in Neptune Beach. We found the WII that we've looked all over Jacksonville for since Christmas. We immediately brought our treasure home and have wanted to play it all day today. Hopefully we can soon.

In other news, a group of women from our church and me took a group of girls to Revolve last weekend. We had so much fun. Revolve is sponsored by Women of Faith, but is designed for teen girls. To be honest, I think I liked it more then Women of Faith. We have endless stories, but my personal favorite is when we were leaving the arena Friday night. All of us where laughing and talking and giggling like us girls do when it's late and we're tired. We were walking down the street to the parking garage when Liza freezes. By the look on her face, I was pretty sure some guy was in front of her with a gun. The deep panic in my stomach sunk in as I looked up. She was staring at our bank of amercia parking garage...the doors to the garage were shut. The following thoughts went through my head in the next five seconds...Okay, okay, okay, why would they tell us to park there on the info if it closes??? Okay, okay, okay, how much will it cost to get all of us back to the hotel in taxis? Okay, Sabrina works for bank of america in Jax, maybe she can call someone...okay, okay, okay, Liza is walking by herself, I need to catch her.
The other adults stayed with the girls, I caught up with Liza. A man told her we just had to go through the lobby. We did and were able to get to our cars no problem. Now for the guns. The nice police officer gave us the directions and told us to keep our doors locked and windows up. As the car in front of us stopped at the red light in the ghetto, my car full of girls started screaming. There were several guys on the corner gathered together. There were several guys on the other corner gathered together. There was the nice looking prostitute on the street. My girls freaked. The guys started walking towards our car. The decibal level increased. Nicole, our awesome driver began screaming, "do not make eye contact...do not make eye contact...turn green light, no eye contact." I called the car in front of us, I heard their driver, Liza saying, "girls do not make eye contact." Emily and I hearing each other's vehicles through the phone did what any chaperone would do in such a dangerous situation...I laughed until I cried. I knew the guys were not going to touch a vehicle full of screaming girls. We were close enough that I'm sure they were laughing at us too. The light turned green and we drove to the other side of town to our safe hotel. My girls all accused me of being brave...I didn't confess to them that I tend to laugh when I get nervous or scared. We'll just let them think brave, until they read this that is. All in all it was a great weekend. One of the main speakers, Chad Eastman, did an amazing job explaining to the girls about identity. He posed one question to them and it has been a springboard for a lot of discussion this week. I'll leave you with the question,

"Girls, if you are at a party and a guy walks into the room, would he see you as a treasure or a target?"

Some pics of the weekend

Florida Primary

So it is upon us. Tomorrow is the primary here in Florida. I am registered as an Independent. This means that all I can vote for is whether or not to lower my property taxes. However, the question was posed to me,

If you could vote for either a Republican or Democrat tomorrow, who would you vote for and why?

It seems someone wants an inside look into the brain of an independent. I will give all of you a glance.

Well...

I will not vote for Edwards because he is a lawyer. I think lawyers are what is wrong with our society. Collectively, they are probably the Antichrist.

I will not vote for Romney because he is Mormon. Mormons are what is wrong with Utah. Collectively, they could be the Antichrist.

I will not vote for Clinton. Hilary stayed with Bill. We all know he has strong connections to the Antichrist.

I will not vote for Huckabee. I question his sanity. He used to be a pastor. Anyone in ministry will not be stay sane for long. The Antichrist is not a sane person.


I will not vote for Obama. He went to a Muslim school. Muslims hate us. But more than that, the Kennedy's have endorsed him. I'm pretty sure the Kennedy's are the boss of the Antichrist.

I will not vote for McCain. He is too old. He would not survive office. Unless he plans to live a long time, like the Antichrist.

So there.

I'm tempted to vote for Romney just to see what the Dobson's of the country will do. Who will they endorse when there is no candidate they can convince themselves that Jesus would vote for? Would we all actually have to think for ourselves? As Christians will we have to look at more issues then just abortion and homosexuality? Will we have to look at poverty? Will we have to think about the widows?

Hmmm....what exactly would Jesus do?

Probably stop talking and go check on my neighbor. His wife kicked him out this afternoon and his sitting in his driveway.

Imagine, life happening, in the midst of such an amazing election...

the event of a lifetime...

I wasn't home for said event, but I'm told it went something like this. Daddy and Natalie walk in the door this evening from church. Natalie walks into the bathroom and says "potty". (She has done this to Mommy a lot lately. She thinks it is fun to sit and pretend to go to the bathroom like Mommy). Anyways, tonight when Mommy is not home, she says potty to Daddy. He notices her wet diaper and assumes it is another game of pretend. She sits on the potty. He asks, "do you have to pee pee?" "Yeah" she says...then she pees. Daddy jumps for joy, he claps and sings and praises. She finishes and tries to pee more. Apparently, it was fun to watch Daddy clap. Then it was time for bed. We will see what tomorrow brings. Should she decide to potty train herself, I will be okay with that. :-)

You tube

I'm trying to officially join the world of You Tube. We've had a video camera for a while, and I'm trying to let the fam and the rest of you keep up with Natalie. So here goes our first you tube try...let's see if it works. This is Natalie dancing.

here it is

Kari, the lady who cut my hair was awesome. I was not so cool. I was nervous and scared and sad and scared and relieved and scared. But she in her wisdom, knew we could do TWO ponytails. One of which was more then 10 inches. The other was 8, but according to the website, they can use this as well. The bottom one was plus 10 so she cut it first. Then she piled all the rest on top my head and cut. That's about when I freaked. But, you know that feeling when they pierce one of your ears and you realize it really hurts, but you have to get the second one done otherwise you'll look stupid? Ever felt that way? Well that's how it was today. The first one was cut, I had no choice, off with the rest of my hair. I searched for a cut that my wavy, curly, fine, thick hair would do. I finally settled on a picture of Ellen. I really like her hair. The great part about this cut is that Kari showed me three different ways to fix it. We'll see if I can do any of those three tomorrow. :-) Thanks to all of you who called or checked on me today. You all are awesome! So here are the pics of the new, slightly traumatized, glad I did it, ask me about it tomorrow, look.

Chop Chop

Okay, so most of you know that I've been growing out my hair for locks of love. Why? Well, for the past, oh, 28 years, I've been wrestling with God about my selfishness. The struggle has been intense and early last year I knew God was asking me to do something unselfish. And also something that would require a long commitment on my part. I prayed but I could not think of such an act. Then the Virginia Tech tragedy occurred. I sat on my couch with the rest of you horrified at the scene. This is home. I live close to there. My Dad's hospital was affected by this. I wished I could do something. Then the news started highlighting each victim. They mentioned the professor, Christopher James Bishop. They said he always grew his hair out for locks of love. He'd get it cut and grow it out again. I thought it was sad they would not have his hair anymore...and God tapped me on the shoulder.
I don't grow my hair out God.
Tap.
I don't like it long.
Tap.
It would take a while.
Tap, tap, tap...it would be a commitment Allison.
But, it will look weird.
Tap. It's unselfish Allison.
But.
But.
Okay, fine.
So the journey began. My hair looked bad in the FL humidity. The more I let it grow, the more vain I realized I am. God and I have had some talks. Then finally, after months, it got past that weird out of control style. I learned how to manage it. Most recently, I've gotten a lot of compliments on my hair. It's pretty long. I like it.
Tap.
It is so like God to make me complete this unselfishly. Of course I'd start to like it. If I hated it, it would make cutting it selfish.
10 inches, Chris declared two months ago.
Tap.
I'm ignoring you, God. I like my hair.
Tonight I read an e-mail from a lady in my church. There is a little girl in her class who is battling cancer. A wig from locks of love is $1,000. If people donate hair in her name, it drops the price significantly. Two kids in this girls class have already donated.
Tap.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I e-mailed her back. I'm getting my hair cut this week. It will be super short because these 10 inches are in a high ponytail. I'm scared and sad. But, not as scared as Jamie was when he was shot. And definitely not as sad as his family. Or Emilee's family since her diagnosis. So, here's to hair that may look bad again. I'd like to think I'm not as selfish as I was a year ago when this journey started. But I'm pretty sure God has some more commitment lessons for me.
Tap.
Here's to you Emilee...keep fighting, we'll keep praying!

Burnout

I always have millions of thoughts chasing each other around inside of my head. Sometimes they run into each other causing it to get even more jumbled inside of my brain then normal. Usually journaling gets the word crash cleaned up and moved to the side of the road. Some of those journals make it to the blog. Here is such a blog...



What is burnout? It's a dark candle that's scent lingers in your nose. It's standing on a heap feeling ash and glass under your feet, glimpsing at nothing and feeling great loss. It's wishing you had another minute to grab anything that would remind you of your previous life. Burnout at its' worst is death. It's the fire that consumes. The victim didn't get out in time. He didn't hear the smoke alarm. Or worse, he had no personal alarms to begin with.

It's the person whose tired. TIRED. Exhausted. Sad. Lonely. Burnout occurs when we convince ourselves we are in this alone and that we make or break the project. It's too much. It all explodes around us and eventually we are left sifting the rubble.

Working alone for a Christian is something God will not tolerate. He is the only way to reach His people. If we attempt anything without God, He will consume it. It will fail. If not immediately, then in the lake of fire after the world is introduced to Jesus a second and final time.

I cannot be passionate about something and burned out at the same time. Passion is a God given love and desire. Burnout is a going it alone and getting me no where feeling.

Boundaries are our smoke alarms. Our first boundary is the knowledge that if this is to happen, then God will make it happen, with or without me. He blesses me by allowing me to be a part, but if He's truly in it, it will happen. I'm not there by necessity, but by God's grace.

Our second boundary is motivation. If we are guilted into it, it is not passion. Anything done out of guilt is a smack to the Savior who makes us guiltless. If guilt is present, the alarm is gone. The flames are already burning your emotions to charcoal.

Our third boundary is sleep. Psalms 127:2 says "It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,To eat the bread of painful labors;For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep." God continues working while we sleep. God encourages us to rest. If He has given us a passion, our excitement should be the only thing waking us. If our stress, worry, or concern is, then God is sounding the alarm. If we don't sleep because of worry, we are probably not letting God be God. Ask God for the knowledge to rely on Him and allow Him to extinguish the match of worry.

The last boundary for tonight is love. Paul tells us in I Corinthians 13 that if we do anything without love, we are a clanging cymbal. My eighteen month old clangs cymbals. Nothing about it is pretty. It's loud, obnoxious, and irritating. My only focus is to make the noise stop. If we attempt anything without God's love~ I believe He hears a clanging cymbal. And...He is more then capable of making us get quite.

Psalm 121
The LORD the Keeper of Israel.
A Song of Ascents.
1I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
2My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
3He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
7The LORD will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
8The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

Happy New Year

I just thought for a minute about what to title this blog. The last two weeks have been such a whirlwind. There is no way to capture it all. Both of our families were at our house for Christmas. It was so much fun to have them here. The day after Christmas we flew to Iowa for Dan and Derrica's wedding. It was beautiful. It's always good to be a part of a wedding where both people love God with all their heart. It was also great to be back and visit with everyone we love and miss from the middle of the country. We quickly realized we didn't miss the cold and were anxious to leave 7 degrees for 72 yesterday. Last night, our first night home, Natalie was sick. She threw up five times. I'm not sure what was going on, but I'm hoping she's on the rebound today, and praying we don't get sick too. I'll close this so I can upload a bunch of pictures. Some of the pics are from Christmas, she received more toys then she knows what to do with. She also got a baby doll( thanks Uncle Jim and Aunt Cheryl) that she loves, some of the pics are Natalie putting a diaper on her doll. Watching her care for the doll is giving me a funny picture of her perception of us caring for her. The rest of the pictures are of Natalie, because she was the flower girl in the wedding. She did awesome. I told her to go to Dan. She ran down the isle leaving her flower basket with me and taking her bag of cheerios with her. It was so very...Natalie. Happy New Year everyone.

What day is it?

This weekend was full of Christmas parties. I left the house at 6 on Friday night got home at 3 Saturday afternoon. We had another party Sat night. Yesterday was our Christmas Cantata and an afternoon full of family and more parties. It was a great weekend, but I'm tired. Today? Shopping. I need to get this finished. So here are a few pics from the weekend. Hopefully, more soon. Have a great weekend!





I mean seriously, she looks just like her Daddy.

Christmas Miracle

I talked to my good Iowa friend Candy the other day. I simply must share our conversation with you.
Many years ago, when Candy was a single mom, her seven year old son Rick fell out of a tree. He landed flat on his back on the concrete. The other kids ran in and got Candy. She raced to his side. After realizing he could move, but was in a lot of pain, she scooped Rick in her arms and got him to the ER. The doctor came out and told Candy that Rick had major internal bleeding. They needed to do emergency surgery, but he was not hopeful that the surgery would be successful. The doctor suggested that Candy tell her son goodbye before he went to surgery. Candy spent the next few moments with Rick. She left his room. They were taking him to one final scan and then to the OR. Candy was told to go to the surgery waiting room. Candy was alone. She tried to go to the waiting room, but she fell on her knees in the middle of the hallway and prayed. Candy prayed and begged God to heal Rick. After a while, the Dr. found Candy, still on her knees in the hallway. He bent down beside her and asked if she believed in miracles. She said yes. The Dr. informed her that during Rick's final scan they couldn't find blood anywhere. It appeared as if his internal bleeding had stopped. They were going to keep him and run tests. Four days later, Candy took her healthy son home.

Fast forward fifteen plus years. Candy's other son, Davie currently lives in California with his wife, Chelsey, and son. They are expecting another son. Last Monday night, Candy awoke in the middle of the night thinking she needed to tell Chelsey the story of Rick falling out of the tree. She decided to wait until the next day. When she awoke in the morning, this consumed her. She decided after work she would call. When she got off work on Tuesday, she drove to K-Mart and listened to a voice mail she had received from Chelsey. Candy called her back. Chelsey told Candy the doctors have found something wrong with the baby. She said there is a huge bubble in the amniotic fluid and they aren't sure what it is. And, some blood tests indicated the baby may have Downs syndrome. They were supposed to have an amnio later this week. Chelsey was scared. Candy was scared. Candy then shared with Chelsey the story of Rick and how she woke up last night thinking she needed to share this with Chelsey. They hung up both praying for a miracle for this baby. Candy went into K-Mart. As she walked, she again became overwhelmed. Right in the middle of the Martha Stewart isle, she fell to her knees and prayed. She was sobbing and praying when a K-Mart employee approached her and asked if she was alright. Candy told the worker about the baby and how she just needed to pray. The employee asked if she could pray with her. The employee got down on her knees beside of Candy and prayed for this baby. Through their tears, they asked God for healing. As they stood up, the employee asked Candy her name. Candy told her as she glanced at the employees name tag. It said, Angel. Candy told her she was her Angel today. The employee said Candy was sweet, like Candy, and promised to continue praying for the baby. Candy finished shopping and checked out. She decided to find the manager and tell him about the great employee he had. She found him and explained the story. The manager just looked at Candy and stated, "lady, we don't have anyone who works here named Angel." "No one?" Candy said. "No, not named Angel. We have an Angela but she is a high schooler so she's not working right now." Candy said, "no this lady was older with gray and red hair." No one with that description works at K-Mart.

Last Tuesday, Candy prayed with an Angel. Sometimes, we entertain Angel's without knowing it, other times, God puts their name right on their chest, and we still don't know. Candy knelt down with God's messenger. She was in awe. But there's more. That sweet little baby and his mom had more tests last week. The amnio showed he does not have Downs and that weird bubble, is almost completely gone. Candy was not surprised. She knew the miracle would happen. After all, she prayed with an angel.

May God bless you all with the knowledge that He can interrupt our lives with His messengers anytime. I wonder how many Angels you saw today?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Kinda.

We have our decorations. We have many presents purchased. Our calendar is full of parties, caroling, and outreaches. Our house smells like cinnamon, (thanks to the Yankee candle company, not cooking). Yet I am having a difficult time remembering that it is Christmas time. Mostly because we were all outside today playing in short sleeve shirts. It's warm, and tomorrow it is supposed to be 80. Don't get me wrong, I love the weather. It may look like Christmas at our house, but it doesn't feel cold enough for it. We watched Christmas movies tonight drinking cold drinks instead of hot chocolate. Ahhh...this I could get used to.

But, since I am missing the snow, Melonie sent me a picture of WV last week. We have it up on our desktop to help Chris and me get more into Christmas decorations. Thanks Melonie,it was so much fun to get this, I love you...Merry Christmas!!!

A great weekend

This past weekend we went to Brunswick, GA for Homecoming at the AC church. This is where Chris grew up so I had a blast hearing stories about him. It was so neat for me to meet the church people. I could quickly tell that he grew up there simply from watching their mannerisms and how they worshipped God. I'm so thankful for people who invest in children. Chris' love for God is, in part, from their dedication to God and Chris.

Natalie and I also got to meet Stephen. He was Chris' absolute best friend in High School. We spent the day with Stephen, his wife, Chrissy, and their daughter Katie. Katie is a month older then Natalie. It was really cute watching Katie and Natalie play and fight together. I can't thank Stephen and Chrissy enough for welcoming us into their home this weekend. We had a great time. Here are a few pics from the weekend. Enjoy!

Did you know those four holes in a baby swing fit two toddlers perfectly? It was funny to watch those Natalie waiver between laughter and being a little scared...Katie was all smiles...




They loved to slide down together and for just a minute, they switched Daddy's...




And finally, one of little miss sitting underneath the tree, eating her crackers. Does life get any better then this?

A busy time

I know all of us are super busy since we are now between two huge holidays. We are out of town again this weekend and we return to the madness that is Christmas. I'm praying to remember who it is we are celebrating this time of year.

And by the way, LET'S GO MOUNTAINEERS!!! I expect that you all will be cheering for them this weekend! :-)



This is Natalie assisting us with Christmas decorations, she's still not too sure what to make of all this.



And a couple of Natalie in her Christmas dress...





Finally, one that is always fun to take, she is finally still when she is sleeping...



Have a great weekend...and Merry Christmas!!!

passions-chapter one

I am getting irritated with the word, “passion.” If there is ever a point in your life that you must say you are passionate about something then the passion is gone. People should see by your actions that you are passionate. Passion is something to be lived out, not declared.

Passion is one of THOSE words. You know, the words overused and misused by Christians everywhere. One of those words we snatch out of the air and hold onto for dear life, pretending it holds the key to evangelism. Those words we hide behind again and again so we do not actually have to get out there. You have been to those meetings right? “We need to figure out what we are passionate about.” “We shouldn’t move on anything until we pray and see if this is God’s passion for our church.” “Let’s take this inventory, it will tell us what we are passionate about.” We sit and talk our passions to death. This convinces me they were never passions to begin with.

Passions are powerful. They compel us. I am always confused that we would have to determine what compels us. It’s a look backward at our life that shows us our passion. This is what bothers us. We are more comfortable believing we do not have time for our passions. We prefer to think that if it were not for real life we could be more passionate. This is a faulty thought. Something compels us everyday. Something. That something is what you are passionate about. If you are not currently acting on your passion, then it is not passion. It can’t be simply because it is not compelling us to action. Someone will counter this by stating they “have to go to work” even though they hate it. They will say this prevents them from doing something they love because they are at a point in their lives in which they must stay at their hated jobs. Then these people have to take another step backwards to find their passion. Why are they staying at jobs they hate? Does it pay the bills so their kids are secure and cared for? So this person in the hated job does have a passion. Their children compel them to work. They are passionate about their children.

We do not have to sit in a meeting or take a test to determine our passions. We are all compelled by something. Passions guide us and our actions. Passion influences every decision we make. I heard a man a few weeks ago state that he is passionate about music. This man does not participate in anything with music. He has casual conversations occasionally with musicians. He is not truly connected to anyone in the music world. Yet, he claims to be passionate about singing. What is unfortunate is this man is very involved in visiting people who are sick or dying. He is constantly checking on families and staying connected with their needs. God has gifted Him with the ability to walk with these people. They are his unacknowledged passion. He claims to be passionate about something he has no part of, yet does not recognize his gift; his true passion. Why? I have no idea.

We refer to the crucifixion as The Passion. Christ’s love for us compelled Him to come to earth. He walked with us. He wrapped Himself up in our bodies and planted His toes in our world. He saw life through eyes that were forced to squint from the sun He created. Jesus was so passionate about us. He became us just to save us. Jesus did not come to earth and suddenly decide He loved us. His love for us compelled Him to come. That compulsion for us killed Him. He is passionate about our salvation. Our salvation did not come before His passion. The Passion.

God created you. God knows how you are wired. He knows what you are made of. He gives you passions. If you know Jesus as Savior then you have Spirit led passions in your entire being, because the Holy Spirit is your entire being. Do not ever allow yourself to be fooled into thinking you are passionate about something you are not a part of. I can tell myself I am passionate about evangelism all day long. The fact is, I have not witnessed to anyone this week. I was more passionate about my family and eating than evangelism. I may want to be passionate about evangelism. If so, I need to start praying that God will compel me towards this. I will never be able to compel myself. However, before I start praying for new passions, I must look at what I am already compassionate about. I talked with some middle school girls for a while yesterday. I worked on a drama for church. I spent time with my husband and daughter. I’m passionate about family. I’m passionate about equipping believers. Maybe one of the believers God allows me to equip will be passionate about evangelism. Maybe, just maybe, our current passions are God given for reasons we don’t know.

It’s long past time to reevaluate our use of this word. Passions compel us to actions. If you do not like your current actions, you need to talk with God about your compulsions. Let’s stop pretending we will be passionate tomorrow. We are passionate today. Let’s stop acting like we all need to be passionate about the same thing. When we are truly following God, He gives us our passions based on how He carved our being. Our passions are from Him. It’s time to shred the inventory tests and put up the table and chairs. We don’t need a meeting to talk about passion. We need the author of The Passion to compel us to the actions He created us for.

almost tomorrow...

All week I've been telling myself just get to Sunday. Sunday we leave from church and hit the road for home. Neither Chris nor I have been with our parents on Thanksgiving in years. This year we have the privilege of spending it with both of our parents. Candy and Frank are driving up to join the family for a couple of days too. We are planning to have about 25-30 people eating together on Thursday. There is no where else I'd rather be. The entire time we lived in Iowa I was always so glad God allowed us to be a part of the Thanksgiving Dinner for the community. Our church held a dinner for anyone who wanted to come. It was wonderful to be a part of that. But, it was also the day I was most homesick. My family all tends to get together for Thanksgiving. They would call and all talk to us, but somehow, that made it worse. I say all that to say I can't wait for this week. We will be with friends we haven't seen in far too long, people we want to talk with, and a little girl to introduce to some of her family. Even the idea of driving up there tomorrow is appealing. Chris and I haven't really had a chance to talk all week. I'm hoping Natalie will nap for a few hours and we can catch up on some conversations. I am so blessed and so grateful. Oddly enough, a little homesick too. Thursday, when we are all gathered around our table I have no doubt my mind will travel to the mid west and I'll wonder how the dinner is going for the community. That will always be home too.
You know, we can dream of mansions and streets of gold all day long...I can't wait to be at the wedding feast with Jesus, finally sitting at the table with Him. I can picture my Iowa friends, Sweden friends, Europe friends, Milligan friends, people I've never met, family, all gathered, at last, eating from the same table. I can only imagine my anticipation for the day can not touch Christ's anticipation. He will be allowed to gather all who love Him to the table. And while there will be people present that I didn't know in this life, He will intimately know us all. Our minds won't wander anywhere. We will be home. Finally. We will be home.

Good job...

I'm so tired. I like working at hospice, but it absolutely exhausts every part of my being. Not so much the patients as the company. There is SO much to learn. It's huge. Since I'm PRN (as needed) I end up on a variety of teams. I feel like every time I work I'm doing something I haven't done before. I've been there four months and I still do new things all the time. Someone told me that full time people work there a year, sometimes, two before they feel good. I'm not sure what that means for me. I would just like to work one job where I feel competent. I'm constantly guessing what I should do there. I come home and I guess what would be best for Natalie. I feel like we've been making that up since day one. I guess about cooking, about church, about cleaning, about the dogs. My list goes on and on. I would just like to find one thing that I can look at and immediatly think, "I can do this...this is something I am comfortable with." The good news is, this all forces me to rely on God more and more and more. The bad news is, relying on Him isn't something I'm always good with either. So I've kicked around the idea of getting another job. I want to work at Starbucks. I'm thinking after Christmas, I'm getting a job that I can learn to do well. I'm working at the Gap or Babies R Us or Starbucks. People may laugh, but I'm not kidding. I want to go home at night and be done. I want to say it was a good day and mean it. I want the pound of coffee for free for being a barista at Starbucks. Did I mention I'm tired?

Miss Beth

Dear Miss Beth,

My Mommy told me that you were going to see the doctor this week.I wanted to tell you that Mommy, Daddy, and me are praying very hard for you. I also wanted to ask all the people reading this to pray for Miss Beth too. She was my day care teacher in Villisca and one of my Mommy's best friends there. My mommy still gets sad dropping me off at day care here. They take really good care of me, but you will always be her favorite...( and mine too Miss Beth.) My mommy said you have colon cancer, but that God is much, much, bigger then colon cancer. Mommy said that Miss Beth is going to the cancer treatment center in Chicago this week, so everybody please pray that she will be healed in such a way that everyone present will know God healed her. God already has you Miss Beth, I'm praying you see Him very clearly today. We all love you very, very, much.

Grace,
Natalie

39

They are both 39.

They are both female.

She has two children, 12 and 6.

She has one child in his teens.

She is dying.

She is also dying.

She was diagnosed four years ago.

She collapsed four weeks ago.

She is trying to reconcile faith of a mustard seed, with doctors who say there is no hope.

She is wresting with a whole different type of despair.

She is trying to prepare her children for a life without her.

She has not seen her son in a very long time.

She knows that no one can or will ever love her children like she does.

She knows someone else has already been loving her son.

She and I talked about faith, love, hope, and heaven.

I held her hand and encouraged her step father to talk to her, she can maybe still hear you.

She is fighting, fighting, fighting.

She has already fought.

She is dying of breast cancer.

She is dying of liver failure.

She could not have prevented this.

She has been addicted to cocaine and alcohol for as long as anyone can remember.

She needs better treatment.

She needs better treatment.

She needs to know God still loves her.

She needs to know He always has.

No one expected her to die so young.

No one expected her to live so long.

No wonder God calls death the enemy.

Death robs anyone when it is least expected.

She is ready.

I don't know if she is.

Are you?

A halloween tale

The night began with Natalie saying, "you want me to do what?"


"I'm out of here"



Okay Mom I'll let you take one quick picture...



Mommy and the bee...



Hershey's are awesome!



I know a lot of pictures, but we had a lot of fun. We went trick or treating with Robert, Emily, and Avery. I'll post some pics of Avery and Natalie together soon. Happy November and happy 16 month birthday Natalie!!!

Top 10

Here are the top ten things I've learned from Natalie today:

1. Someone can both torture and love our dog, Mocha. Mocha will continue to return to you either way.

2. You can either brush your teeth the traditional way, moving the brush back and forth in your mouth, or to spice things up, you can hold the brush in your mouth and move your head back and forth. Both will equally clean your teeth. One leaves you a bit dizzy.

3. I am shocked at how many times she can ask, "was daaat?" I am more shocked when she repeats whatever answer I just said.

4. Miss Hazel at day care is an angel who probably answers "was daat?" more often and more patiently then I ever will.



5. Everything is new, every morning, every hour, every minute. Just because you get an answer to, "was daat?" does not mean you should stop pointing at the same object and asking again.

6. I am not the Mom I thought I would be. She does scream in restaurants, Target, the parking lot, and at church.

7. Polite comments from onlookers explaining to me what she wants are not helpful. I know she wants to eat the mac and cheese with her hands. Your right that is why she is upset. My job is to teach her to use her spoon. Yes, she does know how. Yes, she eats with it at home. Yes, if you leave me alone I can continue ignoring this tantrum.

8. If you don't feel like using your spoon, just wear Minnie Mouse Ears, no one will notice your eating with your hands.




9. Natalie is her father's daughter. A flashlight can double as a microphone, and when she starts singing into it, you had better dance.

10. Two tiny little fist grabbing onto mine, with her head bowed to say bedtime prayers followed by a slobbery wet kiss, makes me think, for just a second, that I might, just might, survive this.

some recent pictures

I prayed that God would allow me to upload some pictures tonight. I've been having a hard time doing this lately, and He answered my prayer. I know in the grand scheme of all that God is thinking about and doing this was a small request, but He answered. I think sometimes He answers small prayers of mine to remind me that He is always working and listening.
The Halloween costume is one my Aunt got for Natalie. It is already too small so we put it on her for pictures. It's an interesting unicorn outfit. For Halloween, Natalie will be a bumblebee like her older cousins, Mollie and Xander. Fortunately, this outfit still fits. Earlier this week she was wearing a 24 month outfit. I'm not sure where her height comes from, but I hope she keeps it. I'm not so secretly hoping she'll love basketball as much as I do. Anyways, today has been a good day. Thursday's are Chris' days off. I try to not work on Thursdays either. This has quickly become my favorite day of the week. We get to hang out with Natalie together. We get to swap stories from the week and just be. I love it. Today none of us got out of our pajamas until after 2 this afternoon. To me, that's a perfect sort of day. Have a great one and ask God to show you something today. He is good.

a week

This past week is all blurry. It's one of those weeks where you have to stop and really try to remember what you did yesterday, much less Monday. It's been a good week, a sad week, and a hard week. It's a week when I learned how Megan became so accustomed to death because I am as well. I don't think hospice makes you cold. I think it makes you aware. Working with people who know they are dying makes me keenly aware of what is and is not important. It's a constant reminder that nothing in this life is constant. Lives are turned upside down by one lump, one cough, one different heartbeat. I met a 38 year old dying of breast cancer. We are told to get yearly mamagrams after 40. I meet smokers who wish they never started, and smokers who are still enveloped in the cloud. I meet people with dementia and end stage alzheimers. Their families tell their stories. Their eyes tell me they are still alive inside. I always use to think I didn't want to die this way. I didn't want to be sick. And really, I don't want to die at all. But in a way, these people have a gift. As one patient told me this week, "I know this is the last birthday party I'll be a part of for my granddaughter." This one will be big. He told me he is blessed to know, so he can really live. Imagine if we all knew. I'm not sure I could handle it, but it would make each of us really live. Since working here, I'm more intentional with those around me. I pay attention better and say "I love you" more. I'm finding myself craving time with Chris more then ever, and not fighting bedtime so much with Natalie. Is it really that big a deal that I snuggle her a little longer? Will it really mess up her sleep habits for the rest of her life? I don't think so. So that's the sad, the good, and the hard for the week. It's life. Funny that I have to be face to face with people who are dying to remind me to live. Try it this week. Live like you know you are mortal. I dare you.

Natalie's BFF

These pics are from Liza...who graciously always has her camera ready when we forget ours. Thanks Liza for taking good care of us...we love you!



Avery lives just down the street...we are thinking they are already planning many adventures together...

I am having trouble getting any other pics uploaded to blogger lately. I'll keep trying. Have a great week!

what if?

What if nothing we are thinking right now is new? What if we are having the exact same arguments in the church today that they had a generation ago? What if people came to America because they wanted the right to worship as they chose? What if ancient philosphers wrote on paper because blogger was not yet available? What if the disciples caused a shake up everywhere they went? What if the early church fought about eating, songs, and money? Have we seriously in 2000 plus years not gotten anywhere? I would dare say that no generation set out to be fake. They probably didn't start out to judge and exclude. Yet, each new generation seeks to break out of the mold of the church and start something new. My question is then, is it...new? I talk to people now who are as opposed to hymns as some people are to choruses. Isn't that just as bad? Others who cannot fathom why someone would not like something they love. Do they have to? I mean where in the world do we come up with the idea that we should all believe the same and like the same and anyone who opposes us is wrong? One of my favorite quotes from women of faith says, "I should think that if we agree on everything, one of us is unnecessary." Unity by it's necissity would imply we don't agree on everything. Jesus prayed we would be one...I believe he meant one body. All important. All working toward the goal. All doing it differently because the eye and the ear will never do things the same. They always filter information differently. They will respond differently. Our goal is to love God, love others, and make disciples. The eye can worship through color and the written word, and the vastness of the world. The ear can not do any of these things. The ear can worship through the spoken word, music, and the vastness of noise and silence. Both can be and are connected to the head but are not the same. What if we acted like one body? What if for the first time in 2,000 years we really were unified? What if we celebrated our differneces and walked in unity? What if stopped being shocked by non christians acting like non christians? What if our big unified body grabbed them by the hand and walked with those people for while...just walking them towards God? What would God allow us to be a part of then? You know, then, when we are actually loving Him because we are loving others because we are walking them to Him. What if then?