Navigating side streets.

A blur

2012-02-11T07:03:00.003-05:00

"I've made some calls, you need to go straight to the ER at Wolfson's to be admitted. Do you know where that is? You need to go immediately."

"Micah Hall? Ok no triage, straight back."

"He could go septic and need to be intubated."

"We don't have time to figure this out Mom, we have to pull out the big guns."

"This is advancing so rapidly just since he's been here, he has to go to ICU."

"You have to know we are risking kidney failure."

"it is either Stevens-Johnson's syndrome or Staph scalded skin syndrome, both present similarly, but we have to determine which it is because they are treated very differently."

"(to some students, not us) You see, it's called this because that's what it looks like, it looks like a bucket of scalding hot water was thrown on him."

And pause.

That is what he looks like. He's unrecognizable. When I returned to our room from the bathroom in ICU I looked in his room and kept walking. As I'm typing this, his face is still red and peeling, as is the rest of him, but he looks like Micah again. The swelling is gone and the blistering has stopped. In some ways this week feels like one long day. In other ways it feels like months since I was at work or out of this hospital.

I knew every parent would feel helpless in this situation. I now know helpless doesn't begin to describe it. The only things I was capable of were to hug him, touch him, rock him, or simply hold his hand. But any of that caused him sheer agony. I just sat beside his bed gowned up in my isolation gear and thought about how much I didn't want him to feel isolated.

At last count, Micah was seen by nine different specialties in the first 12 hours of his admission. (his hospital bill should be crazy to sort through) Everyone had their own opinion about which of the two diagnosis Micah had. My brother told us to insist on a dermatology consult. We didn't have to insist, they had already called her. She couldn't come until evening, but she would see him. Uncle DJ said, "this is the only time you need a dermatologist urgently, she needs to get there now, it's her time to shine". When she arrived, earlier then promised, she looked over my sweet boy and said, " look I am here cause there are a lot of big dogs arguing over what is wrong with your son." She points to the nurses station and I see two of Micah's doctors standing there watching us. "So they called me in to settle the argument." She went on to explain the very small differences in the two disorders. She did a biopsy for confirmation, but left 99% positive of her diagnosis. Staph Scalded Skin Syndrome.

Once Micah started getting four different antibiotics and countless people praying for him, his condition made rapid improvements. One of the best things about modern technology is within minutes, people all over the world can be praying for a need. We have so much love and support from everyone here and our faraway family and friends.

The scenario could have been so different. If our pediatrician had not sent us to the hospital when he did, Micah could have died. It feels very surreal to even type that sentence. In less than 24 hours he goes from a rashy looking sunburn to the ICU. I've said before that because of my job, I live with a heightened sense of awareness that no one is guaranteed tomorrow. I live my life often reflecting that thought, keeping it in mind for myself and those around me. However, I learned this week, that I don't think that about my children. It is never on my radar that they could be gone in a moment. I still feel guilty that I got frustrated with him Tuesday night for not wanting to get out of his oatmeal bath. It was bedtime and I wanted him to sleep. In hindsight, I now know his skin was scalding, and I was demanding him out of the water. I know I didn't know in the moment how sick he was, but I truly think I will feel guilt over that moment forever.

I sat at his bedside Wednesday afternoon, trying to think about the last time I held him, pain free. I decided it was Monday after his lab work. Blissfully unaware of my future desperation to simply hold him, I carried him through the parking garage looking at all the cool cars.

And now, here I type. In the hospital beside my sleeping miracle. My God went before us and took care of the details boy. My Micah Man who has charmed the doctors, nurses, and all the staff with his personality. My rare little boy who went out of his way to prove his rarity by getting a syndrome that some pediatricians don't witness ever.

I know he's rare, I just hope he doesn't feel the need to prove that to us again. One scare in this life is enough.

I've decided God truly uses music to console me during stress. Throughout the hospital stay these same few lines to a song ran through my head. Each time Micah was in pain or someone was having to hurt him to accomplish a test, these lines danced through my brain again. Oddly enough, I don't know the song well and had to google it.

So the above scenario went something like this:

"I've made some calls, you need to go straight to the ER at Wolfsons to be admitted. Do you know where that is? You need to go immediately."

-This is where the healing begins

"Micah Hall? Ok no triage, straight back."

-This is where the healing starts

"He could go septic and need to be intubated."

-When you come to where your broken within

"We don't have time to figure this out ,Mom, we have to pull out the big guns."

-This is where the healing begins

"this is advancing so rapidly just since he's been here, he has to go ICU"

-This is where the healing starts

"You have to know we are risking kidney failure."

-When you come to where your broken within

"it is either Stevens-Johnson's syndrome or Staph scalded skin syndrome, both present similarly, but we have to determine which it is because they are treated very differently."

-This is where the healing begins

"(to some students, not us) You see, it's called this because thats what it looks like, it looks like a bucket of scalding hot water was thrown on him"

-This is where the healing starts

We journeyed through this for reasons unknown. But we absolutely did not journey it alone. God showed up like He always does and reminded us that He is God. And all of you, loved, prayed, supported us.

With an eternally grateful heart, seeing God all over my little boy, thank you for your prayers.

His health is a miracle.

So is ours.

"So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark"

`Tenth Avenue North

It's been a while

2012-01-31T20:34:00.002-05:00

So it's been a while since I've blogged. It's not that I don't have anything to say. I have too much. My mind can't filter all the last few months have held. This afternoon, I was driving home from work. I'm playing music way too loud. I reason that I'm in traffic, I might as well drown out the other noise. Plus, it drowns out some of the day too. I'm singing these words,

"Because you had a bad day, you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride."

As I'm replaying my day, I look to my left. It's one of those moments where irony drips off everything you see. There is the homeless man, holding up a sign. "God bless you." Wow. Perspective. I believe, no matter what, it is possible that my day has been better then his.

God has been teaching me a lot about perspective lately. We often compare ourselves to others, making us feel worse or better. It's funny because my comparison to the homeless man doesn't really make my own day any better. I still had a really hard day. It just simply reminds me that other people also have hard days. Harder then any day I could imagine. And that knowledge makes me want to help.

Nicole Johnson (from women of faith) calls these "drop your rock" moments. You know those moments, when we suddenly have a loved one drug across the line and into a circle that we drew a long time ago. We get ready to throw our rock till we see THEIR face and realize it is recognizable to us.

We yell and scream about illegal immigrants. I talk to an entire family who would rather live in hiding here then face death in their own country. They have tried the "right" channels here, but have been unsuccessful Rather then return to sheer madness, they cling to each other here. Tell me that I wouldn't seek refuge for my own family in such a situation.

Everyone is applauding Florida for drug testing people on "welfare". It's costing the state far more money then we are saving, because oddly enough, all the anecdotal stories are wrong. Most people who need help, actually aren't using drugs. Tell me I wouldn't be the first in line if my kids needed food.

It's the hospital staff who believe a family is making a terrible choice by not sitting at the bedside of their possibly dying mom. Has anyone shared that this particular family also has a dying grandmother, and a dad trying to love on everyone. They are choosing to be with the loved one who still recognizes their presence. Tell me I wouldn't make the same choice.

It's the big picture. The rare glimpses we all get at the most random of moments. Clarity. We rub our eyes, drop our rocks, and suddenly can read what is written in the sand. Some days, like today, I just have to wonder if Jesus wrote one word:

Perspective.

This week

2011-11-12T21:51:00.004-05:00

"Is there anyone else she would be waiting on", the nurse asked me sometime around three am Sunday morning. His question interrupted a flood of thoughts that came to a sudden stop when he questioned me. I explained that we had a few more family members coming home today and she may just be waiting on them.

He left the room and I thought, "So this is what it feels like to be on the answering side of that question." I can't count how many times I've asked families this. I held tight to Mamaw's hand, thankful that she was peaceful and appeared comfortable. I let my mind start it's flood again, one raindrop at a time.

I'm sitting at her counter with Andrea, Matthew, and DJ. We are tasting the hot homemade rolls and blackberry preserves freshly made from the blackberries we picked this morning.

I'm on her couch with the flu watching Mamaw call my mom and tell her how high my temp had gotten.

I'm fussing about going to see the movie Little Women cause I wanted to see something else.

I'm in her living room on Christmas Eve opening presents.

I'm celebrating with her because her magic potion (baking soda and vinegar) saved me from what my cousins called a "killer bee" sting.

I'm learning how to play checkers.

I'm giggling watching her chin quiver when she tries not to cry at something sweet.

I'm just swimming through my childhood and adulthood, amazed that God would give me such a Godly Grandmother.

Then I wonder how in the world we got here.

I was supposed to be off this week to help Mamaw get settled in at home. She was supposed to leave the hospital on Monday to go home with hospice. Last Thursday she had asked Mom how many more nights until she got to go home. Together, Mom and Mamaw counted the nights until Monday. Mom told her that she would be leaving the hospital at eleven am Monday morning. Obviously, we all knew she wasn't well. But this was not in the plan. Then Friday morning, mom calls and tells me that Mamaw had developed a bit of a rattling sound and her levels weren't good. Mom was trying to decide if DJ should come home. I went ahead and called Sarah. I told them that if they wanted to have a good conversation with Mamaw they should probably come on home. It just worked out perfectly for them to fly in on Saturday. Later Friday night, I was driving around wondering if I jumped too soon. Wondering, if they really should come on home. I prayed and asked God for a message. Within a few minutes a devotional came on the radio. It was all about the quote, "enjoy yourself, it's later then you think." Message received, DJ and I both need to get home. I decide to go on home on Saturday now too, instead of Sunday as planned. Then late Friday night, Mom calls me and says the hospital had called them. Mamaw was only breathing four breaths a minute. Instantly my mind was racing. I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus. So at four am I got up, finished packing and left with Micah to get home as fast as possible. I happened to drive through Charlotte perfectly to pick up DJ and Sarah and we made it to the hospital. After one look at Mamaw I could tell, it was indeed much later then I thought.

The nurse came back in. I don't know what time it is, but I'm still holding her hand. She's comfortable so he leaves and I go back to my thoughts. As I start to drift off to sleep this song, There is a Redeemer, started going through my head:
"thank you oh my father,
For giving us your Son.
And for leaving your Spirit,
Til your work on earth is done."
Random enough, but I found myself singing it over and over.

I pondered Mamaw's last words to all of us, "tell the grandkids to be good to each other and to love each other."

Now it's six am Sunday morning. Mom and I are both very confused about the time change. I watched as Mom read Mamaw her Bible, her devotional, and prayed with her. Sunday is such a blur of visitors, changes, and emotions. Sunday night, it became very obvious that Mamaw would not be with us here much longer. That same wonderful nurse had the night shift. He encouraged us to sleep. I just couldn't. I held her hand again and reminded myself to breathe during the pauses that she didn't.

My racing thoughts now turned from memories to faith. A faith that Mamaw lived all of the time. I thought about how much God was there. His work was all over Mamaw and everything around us. I saw God in my rockstar sister in law, Sarah. She managed to seamlessly take care of Micah, Annalee, and all of us while very much grieving herself. God was with each visitor as they walked in with food, encouragement, and most of all love. God was allowing us to read the scrapbook to Mamaw so she at least got to hear how grateful we all are for her life. God kept Mamaw from being in significant pain. God allowed Papaw to sit beside her as she journeyed away from this life. God allowed the immediate family members time with her, and got us all home. Looking back, I see His fingerprints everywhere.

Mamaw died at 11:02 Monday morning. Surrounded by her family, with a room full of people, she simply stopped breathing.

"Thank you Oh my Father,
For giving us your Son,
And for leaving your Spirit,

Her work on earth is done."

We are all so worried about Papaw. He told all of us that they were married for sixty six years, two months, and seven days. He is sad and grieving. This morning, however, he tells me, "I'm just looking to do God's will." He is forever a follower of Christ. His work, for whatever reason, is meant to continue and he can already acknowledge that.

Yet again, I see God. I will never stop learning from God or from Papaw.

I too want to seek God's will. I can't shake the feeling that, for all of us, it really is later then we think.

Maranatha!

The Animals

2011-10-04T21:00:00.001-04:00

Something about petting that crazy chicken today made me laugh. Reading Rachel's comment about catching the cat reminded me of so many stories. I've worked several jobs since college, but each have involved making home visits. Because of this, I've accumulated quite a few animal stories. Because I need to giggle and take a trip down memory lane, I'll share a few stories with you.

My first crazy encounter of the animal kind occurred when I was working as a crisis counselor for flood victims. This is also when I learned to always, always, take a 360 look around a home when I first walk in. Oh my, how naive I was just out of college. :-) Anyways, I walked inside this trailer and I was looking at the male owner sitting on his couch across the front door. I had a wall behind me. I did notice these crazy looking fish to my right. I started to hear this noise behind me, this scratch, scratch noise. Then I heard something moving, something squeaky. I looked at my partner who was facing the wall behind me and I noticed that his eyes were huge. I debated turning around. Part of me didn't want to know. Finally I slowly did and to my horror, there were mice cages stacked the length of the wall from floor to ceiling. The man obviously noticed us, noticing his mice. I very calmly asked him why he would have so many. He said he had them to feed his snakes and his fish. Somehow, I knew not to ask or say another thing. My partner didn't. He asked if he really fed the fish those mice. The man said, "Sure I do, here I'll show you." Then he did. I tried not to watch. I didn't want to see, but like all train wrecks, my eyes veered that direction. Sure enough, those dumb fish were eating that poor mouse.

Note to self, in your next job, don't do home visits.

A few years later, I'm working with mentally ill individuals. I have a wonderful schizophrenic who was not going to be returning home for a long time. Somehow, I was tasked with taking her cat to the shelter. I was blessed with my dear friend Rachel, who I managed to talk into assisting me with this task. This cat HATED people. We tried being nice. I promise we did. By my recollection, we tried treats, we tried food, we tried calling her, we tried toys, and being really quite. We ended with a broom, a blanket, a cage and a lot of screaming. We won.

Note to self, in my next job, don't voluntarily do things like this.

Flash forward a few more years, now I'm at hospice. I'm talking to this lady about her mom's death. Her mom, who had died a few hours before, is laying in the hospital bed beside us. I'm trying to convince this nice lady that she has to let her mom go to a funeral home. (A whole other story). Suddenly I feel this pain, shoot up from my ankle. I raise my leg and there is this dog, hanging off the back of my leg. I had no idea the Yorkie was there and suddenly I'm drop kicking it across the room. Not the best thing to do to a family who has just experienced a death.

Note to self, 360 glance is not enough, check under objects.

Just about a month ago, I'm sitting at a kitchen table writing some information about family members. I feel something over my shoulder. I look and I am eye to eye with a mastiff. He snorts in my face and lays down. Fine. Then I feel something at my feet. A bull dog has decided that my cute shoe must be eaten, while I'm wearing them. I try not to call attention to this as the daughter of my patient is crying. I move my feet. I push the dog away. I finally take off my shoes and put them behind me. That's when the dog licked the bottom of my feet. I shrieked because it tickled and almost jumped into my nurses lap. I had to then explain why I was barefoot.

Note to self, just wear my sketchers. Forget that I own any other shoes.

Let me fast forward through chasing a dog down the street, inheriting our current dog Mocha from a schizophrenic, a snake, and a random collection of dead sea animals in aquariums full of formaldehyde.

Now, all my lessons learned lead me to today. I walk in the home. My 360 glance does not immediately send off any red flags. But wait, what is that on the back porch under the table? Yep, it's a chicken. Second glance. Chickens. OK, because of another long story that involves me running from two chickens while a patients husband watched on security cameras, I'm not a fan of chickens. But, I'm wearing my sketchers and they are on the back porch, I'll be fine. My nurse arrives and I, knowing she doesn't adhere to my 360 rule, quietly point out the chickens. The son sees her glance towards the porch and starts to talk about how sweet and nice chickens are. I smile and nod. I'm still glad they are outside. He asks if I'm afraid. I make a comment about being pecked before, but really have nothing against chickens in general. I then turn and talk to my patient. I feel his son sit next to me on the couch. He is holding a big fat chicken. "Go ahead and pet her" he says. So, I do. I pet the stupid chicken sitting on the couch, in the middle of a beautiful home, in the city.

Note to self, I'd be so bored sitting in a cubicle all day.

Happy 2nd Birthday Micah!

2011-08-24T21:11:00.004-04:00

Dear Micah,

I first started these letters to Natalie when she was two. I am determined to remember the little details of who you all are at each age. You are absolutely a little man.

I just left your room a minute ago. You are surrounded by stuffed animals, mostly dogs. It seems that each night you add another one to your collection. We've quickly gone from allowing nothing in your bed to hardly being able to find you amongst all the stuffed things. You threw away your pacifiers a few nights ago. We cut them so they would lose the suction. You had six in your bed and tried each one of them. You sighed and handed them to me one by one, saying "boken mama, boken." I told you we had better throw them away. You stood at the trash can and tried each of them one more time before throwing them in the trash. Then you simply said, "bye paci's" and you were done. You haven't asked for them since.

You are however, the master at delaying bedtime. I can't count how many times you ask for water or a light or the covers each night. Even when you are exhausted, you push the limits. You have learned to open your door and sneak out. Fortunately for us, you slam it closed behind you, so we find you in the hallway each time.

You have learned to count to six. When you play your toy drum you tap the sticks together and say "two, three four." We aren't sure who you have heard doing that, but Daddy is so excited. He says we need a drummer in the Buchanan family. You love all things music. At church you start singing most songs on the second chorus, like you are observing at first and don't want to sing it wrong.

When driving down the road, you always point out planes, boats, busses, bikes, and helmets. You feel the need to point to your own head each time you see a biker wearing a helmet. You love watching Curious George and think Elmo is the best. You always want music on while driving. Your favorite is Sadie Hawkins Dance, but you will allow us to play other songs that Bob and Larry (veggie tales) sing.

Wait a minute...

I'm back now, I just had to give you some water...

You know mostly all your colors. You love to point at everything and tell us what color it is. I think I have to give credit to daycare for this. You knew most of them before we even realized it.

You love Heidi! She is your favorite friend. I love to watch you two play and interact. It's fun to know you've had a friend since the day you were born. Heidi gave you a basketball hoop for your birthday. You love it too and always tell us you want to play with your "ball hoop."

You also love Natalie/Sissy. Everywhere she goes, you go. You've just recently started battling with her and being more assertive. For the most part though, you just really want to play with her. She is quiet protective of you and you are of her. You defend each other when time outs are given. Natalie had to go to time out the other day. You put your hand on your forehead and said, "oh no sissy!"

As you can tell, you talk ALOT. Much more then Natalie did at this age. You are articulate and so funny. You play air guitar, dance your heart out, and love to do flips in our living room.

Most of all, you are gentle and kind. You take care of all of us and our dogs. You give the biggest hugs and slobber filled kisses. You still scream "mama!!!" when I get home from work. You quietly whisper "love too" before I leave your room at night. I pray that you always maintain such a gentle spirit. It is welcoming and charming. I pray that you always hear God whispering how much he loves you and you are forever able to say to Him, "love too." I pray you grow to be a man who loves God and loves others with as much as energy as you show us all the time.

I love you so much Micah man!

Good night!

Kindergarten

2011-08-18T20:59:00.003-04:00

I stood in the dressing room with Natalie tonight, watching her strike pose after pose while she tried on new outfits for Kindergarten. She kept calling me "darling". She was cracking herself up and chattering on and on about her new school.

She is so very excited. I am too. I just keep wondering how it's possible that she is this old? I know every parent feels this way. I know all of us say that time goes by too fast and we blink and they are grown. I've tried so hard to soak up the moments with her and yet, I was simply awe struck tonight by the idea of kindergarten. Here it is, the school schedules, the routine, the homework, the friends, lunches, and drama. I know she is ready. I'm not so sure that Chris and I are. In fact, I think I'm scared. I'm afraid she won't have something she needs or we will forget to tell her something. I'm afraid I'll somehow set her up to get picked on. I'm hoping these feelings are normal, right? I know I can't shelter her from everything. And I know despite our best efforts, some kid out there will be mean to her at some point. I know she has to go.

I also know I'm grateful for this beautiful little girl that she is now. I'm just not so sure how to drop her off into this whole new world.

"Darling," says Natalie.

I snap back from my racing thoughts to see her with her nose to the mirror making a smashed face against it.

"Yes, Natalie?"

"Did you know I can see three of me in these mirrors unless I smash my face like this, then I can only see one?"

I laugh at her and think that's how I feel right now. All smashed up against this new venture. I step away and see my baby girl in my arms, my teenage girl in the mirror, and this beautiful Kindergartner right in front of me.

"I see all three of you darling. All of the time."

The Job

2011-08-04T21:44:00.004-04:00

I hardly ever look because I really don't want to know the number. But tonight I did, I looked at the obituaries. One of my patients had a sweet wife who blogged regularly about their journey. Her last blog entry was a link to his obituary. So, against my better judgement, I clicked on the link.

I knew three tonight on the death notice list. So I read all three and laughed at some of the details I already knew. We have had a lot of deaths this week on our little team. Today I could feel the impact in the room as everyone suddenly got tearful. I don't cry much, but today was hard.

It is hard because we had some long time patients that died. Hard because we had some ethical issues that I still haven't sorted out in my mind. Hard because we have had an amazingly high number of young patients with young children. Hard because of good questions without good answers. Hard because the job is so fast paced there is absolutely no time to sit and process anything. Hard simply because it is a hard job.

I ended the day talking to the spouse of another young patient. I choked back tears as he discussed her now very rapid decline. He is always so calm and organized. He discussed their daughters. He was discussing some of their behaviors and I gently pointed out they were being very "girl" in some ways. I told him a couple of things about girls that I could honestly tell he didn't really know. He's a really good dad and my heart broke as we talked. This is the kind of thing his wife would have told him, if she wasn't so sick. Although that thought was never spoken between us, it didn't have to be. Our call wrapped up with a scheduled visit for me to see those precious girls again. He told me that one of the daughters asked him why this would happen to their mom if God is supposedly good. We joked that we were glad our chaplain is joining me during the next visit. Then, I asked him some questions and suggested she is only asking what most adults are thinking. For the first time, I heard the emotion in his voice when he agreed. For a while, I just listened. They are strong Christians, so we talked briefly about the Bible. I gently posed the thought that God hates death too, which is why He sent Jesus to conquer it. This husband agreed.

Hard because it just is. Hard because God is good even when nothing around us feels like it.

Hard because we still live on this side of His soon coming Kingdom...

Today She is Five

2011-07-01T22:34:00.003-04:00

In keeping with tradition, I'm going to share some thoughts today that are all about Natalie on the day she turned five.

Dear Natalie,

I am writing this from our hotel balcony listening to the ocean waves. You have been counting down for months to your birthday this year. I asked you what you wanted to do and you said, "I want to go to the beach and stay for days." You look just like your Daddy, but statements like these make me know you are all mine too.

It's been a big year for you. You have graduated from VPK and have learned so much. You can add and subtract. You know how to read several words, and have become very quick at 100 piece puzzles.

You played your first year of soccer and were really good. I'll never forget how aggressive and competitive you are. One day when the coach from the other team lined his girl up right in front of you, you leaned around her shoulder and said, "I can still see the ball." I was shocked and proud all in the same moment. You also love to dance. You couldn't wait for your recital and all that is girly. You had so much fun getting ready with Emma.

You are so very independent. If there is a possibility you can do it by yourself, then you will. You are stubborn, strong, and loud. And you have one of the most contagious laughs I have ever heard.

Daddy and I have agonized over the decision about kindergarten this year. Because you are a summer baby, I have always envisioned you going to school when you are six. However, you are more then ready now and this has only become more clear to us over the last few months. You tell everyone that you are going to kindergarten. You talk about it all the time. As much as you are ready, I am sure I am not. But like all things you, it's coming whether I'm ready or not.

You are good to Micah. He can push you to the limits, but you help him. It makes my heart smile every time you say, "come on little buddy" and do something kind with Micah.

You remain a Daddy's girl and probably will be for forever. I'm really fine with that. We have started weekly "girls talk" in your room. One night a week I lay in your room for a while after bed time and we talk about any and everything. I've learned more about you in those twenty minutes then I do all day. You have close friends, secrets, hurts, fears, and even dreams. I hope that we can pray and talk through them all.

All day today, you have said you are five. You commented that it doesn't feel much different then four yet. For today, I know it doesn't. Somehow, life ends of being a series of days that don't feel much different from the other until we look up and see a lifetime. Five feels so different to me. The sand castle Daddy and you made this morning was washed away by the tide tonight. Watching the ocean always reminds me that nothing ever stays the same. As hard as it is, I want you to grow, I want you to change, I want you to live and love with all that God has given to you. This year too will come and go but you will be different still. As much as I try to soak up all the days with you, I'm often left wondering where the sand castle went. I constantly have to remind myself to be in awe of the little girl you are today and not look back to figure out how it all went by so fast. Four is not that much different then five. It's just a day. A day we spent together. Loving each other forever, for always, no matter what.

It's important to know that a few things in life, like love, never change.

I love you!

Mommy

Forever

2011-04-25T20:40:00.002-04:00

A patient died today that I will remember for the rest of my life. I meet so many new people for brief periods of time, that it is not possible to remember them all. But there are a few who manage to make a deep, lasting, impact on my life. She was certainly one of them.

She believed, believed, believed, that she was going to get a miracle. Actually, she would have been mad if I said it like that. She believed she already had a miracle healing and she was just waiting for the rest of us to know too. She had this incredible faith in God and was convinced that He would grant her this healing.

And I wanted to believe.

I did.

I discussed her prognosis. I reviewed advanced directive planning. I begged her to allow our hospice chaplain to visit. I talked with him when she wouldn't. As she claimed Bible versus for healing, I suggested versus like Ecclesiastes, and "a time for everything." I asked her if there was any room in her faith to believe that God will grant her the miracle on the other side of eternity. She informed me, very politely, absolutely not. He was going to heal her. After every visit, I left, said a prayer and hoped against all odds she would indeed get her miracle.

One particular visit, she was in obvious pain, getting weaker, and was just not well. I talked with her caregiver and with the patient about all kinds of topics. I again, allowed her to share her faith with me. I just listened. I finally asked her again why completing a living will would be denying her faith. I reasoned that even Christians die, of something, and if she got her miracle, she would still need the living will eventually. I think to simply make me stop talking about it, she agreed to complete it. Then they discussed the Israelites in the wilderness. My patient's caregiver described various situations where she too was "in the wilderness." She said she was not going to complain in the wilderness because then God would not allow her to see the promise land. Every time, she said, that I just keep moving, God gives me something greater then I could imagine. More beautiful, bigger, brighter, and better then I even asked for. So, they are not going to complain in this wilderness.

I gave them both a hug and told them to call. I checked on her the next week and I could tell she was dying. I knew in my heart she would not live more then a week, unless she got her miracle. That was a week ago today.

As I got to know her better, I realized the reason she so desperately wanted this miracle had very little to do with her. She wanted it for her children, so they would return to the Lord and be saved. She wanted it to prove to them that there is a God. Her physical healing was secondary to their spiritual healing.

Days like today, I have to believe in a promise land. I have to cling to the knowledge that God will give her something greater then she asked or imagined. And because God works all things for the good of those who love him, I have to believe that He knows the best way to draw her children, His children to Himself. It made perfect sense to me that a miracle would convince them. Lucky for all of us that I'm not the Savior. Sometimes we are so grateful for the grace, we forget to praise Him for the mercy. I believe Jesus cried at Lazarus' grave because he knew Lazarus would die again. He knew this whole scene would happen again. And He hates death. Hates it. Which is why He came and He conquered it.

So she will stay with me. Her memory will be one that I think back on and ponder. She is also one that I am super excited to see again. When Jesus finally does return, I want to see her well and healed. I'm praying I'll get to see her real miracle:

I'm hoping I'll meet her children standing next to her.

"we pray for healing, prosperity, we pray for your might hand to ease our suffering,
but all the while, you hear each spoken need,
yet love us way to much to give us lesser things.
What if your blessing come through raindrops
what if your healing comes through tears
what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know your near
what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us
when darkness seems to win
we know, the pain reminds this heart,
that this is not our home." ~Laura Story

My Wish

2011-04-12T20:41:00.004-04:00

When I was pregnant with Natalie, I became a bit of a country music fan. As a result I listened to a lot of Rascal Flatts music before she was born. After I had Natalie we learned she could cry and scream loud. We also discovered that anytime we played the Rascal Flatt's song, My Wish, she would instantly quiet down. I mean immediately. We had a copy of the CD in each car and in the house. She fell asleep to it every night. It was like magic. Recently, Natalie heard me singing Jesus Loves Me to Micah as I was putting him to bed. She asked me what her "good night" song was. And I started singing, My Wish. It's easily been years since I sang it to her, but without missing a beat, she started singing the words with me. Even she looked surprised that she knew it.

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big
Your worries stay small
You never need to carry more then you can hold.
And while your out there gettin where your gettin to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things to
Yeah, this is my wish.

Recently I've had a lot of hospice patients who are very much alone. To a certain extent, I believe most of my patients have a sense of loneliness even when they are surrounded by dozens of loved ones. But in a room full of people, they still have to walk this journey alone. No one is going with them. It's something patients talk about, something they discuss in quiet, still moments.

The last few weeks, thanks to a much lower caseload, I've sat at bedsides longer and absorbed more of their stories. I've listened a lot and felt more like a social worker. I've ached as those who don't have a room full of people talk about their loneliness. How must if feel to only be taken care of by someone you are paying to do so?

One patient who has lost the use of his arms asked me to just bend his arm for a minute. He described how good it felt to bend it at the elbow after being still for a few hours. I asked him why he didn't ask his caregiver to bend his arm more often. He didn't want to bother her. How must it feel to ask someone to bend your arms?

I've assessed for all the natural supports, the family, the friends, spiritual support. Family is always a story. She told me her son comes when she calls, but his wife hates her, so she only calls when she has to. I reframe that this situation she was describing would qualify as a "has to." She says no. How must it feel to not call your only son when you are dying because it is not important enough to communicate to him?

I ask another patient about his friends. They used to be everywhere helping him. Now they are scared. They don't understand and they don't want to be responsible for his care. How must it feel to pay a stranger to be present when your best friend runs?

I just listen and listen and listen. I reframe, I encourage, I hug, I bend an elbow, I sit, I am present. More then anything, just simply, present.

Tonight, tucking Natalie in, she says I'll sing to you tonight.
"My wish for you"
I am struck by the brightness of her blue eyes and the slight way she has her head turned

"Is that this life becomes all that you want it to"
I want to not ever be that alone. I want the room full of family and friends. I want to always have a relationship with her and never know the pain of being estranged from my children.

...."and that you know somebody loves you."
Her eyes are a little sleepier and she lays her head on her pillow. I kiss her with tears in my eyes. I tell her I love her and that I'll see her at breakfast.

And as I walk out, I sing a line the to second verse,
"may you find God's grace in every mistake and give more then you take."

May she never know the deafness of an empty room. Ever.

How must it feel to be loved in the final moments of this life?

To love and be loved, that, is my wish.

Been thinking

2010-12-02T21:37:00.003-05:00

I've had these thoughts spinning around in my head the last few weeks. Between a crashed home computer, non stop action, and the fact that the thoughts wouldn't stop spinning, I haven't been able to type. Tonight, I've hijacked Chris' work laptop, which I'm pretty sure is slower then Chris is right now after "V day."

Anyways, these thoughts. Every night I come home from work and we take care of the kids. Every night they go to bed and one of us cleans up the kitchen. Every night I go to bed with the counters cleared and dishes being washed in the dishwasher. But somehow, every night, I step into that kitchen and I wonder how in the world it became so messy when we spend most of the day away from home.

Then the guilt starts to set in. "I should spend more time with my kids." "I should have a cleaner house." "I should have ensured a healthier dinner tonight." "I need to help Natalie with her school project, when will find time for that?" "How can we possibly be so busy?" Usually, I have the kitchen cleaned back up about the time I have successfully beaten myself down.

Then, a change in thinking. Acceptance. It's something I talk about with people all the time. Now I'm starting to apply it. I'm starting to accept that not only am I not Martha Stewart, most days, I don't want to be. I'm accepting that we will have a messy house. Not dirty or stinky (I've been in some of the worst) but just messy. Each night, my house will look a tornado filled with toys, trash, sippy cups, and gold fish descended and stayed for a long, long time. I will always wish for more time. I'm accepting the busyness. I still don't like it, but until I acknowledge it, we will always be working around it. I'm accepting that I procrastinate. That even if we had every evening free for the two weeks leading up to Natalie's school projects, we probably still would not start it until the last possible moment. It's just who I am. It doesn't mean I won't work towards a better me, but it does mean I let the current me off the hook a bit.

Tonight I was putting Natalie to be and she asked me to sing, "today has been." My mom sang this song to me growing up, I can close my eyes and still hear her singing it.
"Today has been a busy day,
A long and tiring one too,
So I must go to sleepy town,
My rest is long overdue.
Tomorrow will be another very,
Very busy day.
So I must go to sleepy town,
And fall asleep right away,
Yes, I must go to sleepy town,
And fall asleep right away."

Tonight I played with Natalie's hair and wondered what my mom thought about when she sang this song to me. Then I had to smile. Anyone that knew me growing up, knows we didn't keep a perfectly straight house. Mom always tells me she was going to teach me not to procrastinate, but never got around to it. We were super busy. And yet, I have to work to remember all of that. Memories that easily come are being sung to before bedtime, eating together almost every night, going to church, and having friends over. Somehow all of that was greater then the house. Somehow her love for us was simply what mattered.

So I closed Natalie's door tonight. I walked into the kitchen and smiled. Instead of beating myself up tonight, I called my mom. I talked with her while I was cleaning the kitchen. Then I laughed a lot when I heard the toilet flush through the phone. "I'm not going to the bathroom," she said, "I'm just cleaning the toilet while we talk."

Very thankful today that I'm more like my mom all of the time. I'm used to deny that, but today, I'm very thankful for her and for accepting I would like to be more her then Martha any day, any time.

A life

2010-09-21T20:05:00.002-04:00

I was sitting at a patients house yesterday. We were talking about his family, his friends, and his illness. He had the television on in the background. His daughter and his friend pointed out the news. The headline talked about a fatal accident. A young woman was killed. One of the family members commented about how they were glad they were not stuck in that traffic.

They continued on with their discussion of family. I kept thinking about their statement. Really? Traffic? The news said someone died and that was their response? I was a little shocked that in the face of death of their own family member a family can be so casual towards the death of another human being.

This morning, I found out that this accident took the life of my co-worker's niece. She was seven months pregnant. As I listened to her tears and hugged her with all my might, I thought back to that family. This was a life.

There was another car accident yesterday. This one took the life of one of my coworkers. He was driving one of our vans and in an instant, he was gone. I was reading the news stories on line and was again shocked by the comments. So many people talked about distracted drivers and tractor trailers. Nothing in this story said either driver was distracted. I was baffled. You can see in the picture of the accident, the side of our van that says, "living better with Community Hospice." The story discussed he was one of our employees. We are a huge hospice, I can imagine we have cared for some of the loved ones who commented such harsh things under that story. This was a life.

Today, I am driving down Blanding to another patients house. I'm in the right hand lane and there on the sidewalk is a man. He is laying flat on his back, bags everywhere around him, and a bike that look wrecked. He is not moving. I pull over to a parking lot as fast as I could. I have to walk a bit to reach him down the side walk. As I walked around my car a store owner came out and yelled, "we've already called 911." I asked if the man had responded to him. The store owner admitted he hadn't actually checked on him. He again stated he called 911 a few minutes ago and they should be here soon. I simply start walking towards the man and the store owner tells me to be careful. Really? He does not appear to be conscious, in broad daylight, in front of a bank, and eight lanes of traffic. I think I should check on him. The owner goes with me and after a series of events too long to type, the paramedics arrive. I give them what little information the now talking, incoherent, drunk man with seizures has given to me and I go on my way. As I walk back up the sidewalk it occurred to me that this store owner had said he called 911 several minutes before I stopped. Eight lanes of traffic for several minutes, I bet hundreds of cars drove by a man obviously hurt on a sidewalk. This is a life.

I'm always a bit on the cynical side. But tonight, I am in awe. When did we get so cold and so shallow? When did we get so busy and scared? When did we stop being so shaken by death. Wait, we didn't. We are only shaken by death when it directly impacts us. Otherwise, we complain about the traffic, assume someone is fine, and keep on rushing through life.

In a way, I'm glad that traffic gets backed up when there is a fatal accident. I think it's the only way some of us will pause. Which is very, very, sad.

We are all just one life.

Question of the day

2010-09-10T08:21:00.001-04:00

So here's a scenario. If a person chooses to stay home with her children and raise them then gets cancer she does not qualify for social security disability because she has not worked enough quarters. If that girl's only source of income is now a small amount of alimony because her husband left during all the cancer, she then makes too much for social security income. So the girl now cannot qualify for Medicaid or afford health insurance, meaning she has no way to pay for treatment. Same girl comes to hospice. She is now eligible for Medicaid because she is a hospice patient; however, if she leaves hospice to pursue treatment, she loses the Medicaid. So here's the question: when exactly are we going to actually fix our completely messed up health care system?

Interesting

2010-08-28T22:13:00.001-04:00

Many of you know Mamaw. She is my wonderful Grandmother who is among the most faithful of God's children on this earth. She is a prayer warrior who has loved me since forever. She is eighty four and had a bad fall almost two weeks ago. Nothing broken, but at eighty four it takes a while to recover from a good jarring of bones.

I was struck by the irony of bodies young and old tonight while watching Micah. I was giving him a bath and constantly telling him to sit back down. He loves to stand in the tub. When I tell him to sit down, he just plops right back down on his bottom and jumps to do it again. I thought about how he doesn't even seem to notice the impact on his little body. He is young and resiliant and designed to fall these days. When we get older, our bodies just aren't as ready to take a fall. I certainly do not like to think of Mamaw as older. Rationally, I know she is eighty four. In my heart, she's in her sixties.

All week, I have been praying for Mamaw to recover more quickly then she can imagine. I've been praying for her pain to ease and for her to get back home soon. She and Papaw have a sixty fifth wedding anniversary to celebrate on September 1st.

But tonight, in a God ordained moment, I have some extra words of prayer as well. While I was cleaning today, God carefully placed in my hands a card that Mamaw mailed me over three years ago. This is what she wrote:

"Dear Allison, Chris, and Natalie,
May God bless you with Everything that is good and wonderful, with daily strength and everlasting joys. And may He keep you safe and protect you. May He always smile upon you, and may His presence be your daily reward."

Tonight, Mamaw, I'm praying these words for you.
And I'm wondering for those of you reading this, if you'll say these words for Mamaw too?

Mamaw,
I love you so very much! Thanks for being you!

Number One Birthday.

2010-08-24T19:51:00.002-04:00

Dear Micah,

What a difference one simple year makes. This time last year all seven pounds and eleven ounces of you laid in my arms swaddled in blue. Now you look like quite the little man running circles around the kitchen chasing your sister, our dogs, and sometimes, nothing at all. You just love to move.

You fooled us at first. You appeared so laid back and relaxed. You took everything in stride. Your Daddy and I used to tell people that we thought Natalie was a good baby, until we had you. You slept through the night almost instantly. You ate well. You just went along wherever we were going with no fussing at all. Then, somewhere around six months, you developed quite the stubborn streak. Today, you are much more stubborn then Natalie, for this reason, I'm really curious about this next year with you.

You don't like anything the first time it is offered. You have finally decided that food is okay. We are still trying to convince you that sippy cups are pretty cool too. You LOVED the cake tonight and had a blast tearing it apart. You have learned to use some sign language. You sign "eat", "more", and "milk". Your favorite is "more" which you sign constantly while eating Cheerios. You can say "bye bye" "da da" "mama" and "cocha" (meaning our dog Mocha, who is your favorite thing ever).

Speaking of favorite things, you follow Natalie EVERYWHERE. When she laughs, you laugh. When she cries, you cry. On several occasions, when she goes to time out, you go and sit beside her in the hall way. It's been fun to watch you two interact and love on each other.

You have spent this first year at work with Daddy. Pastor Logan, Ms. Laura, Uncle Robert, Aunt Joene, and several church people have helped us make this possible. As a result, you are a Daddy's Boy. You preach, waving your arms in the air and jabbering away. You love to dance and others love to watch you. You move your arms up and down and shake your little bottom in perfect time. You dance anytime you hear music and most always, you keep dancing till the music stops. You love to play catch with anyone who will throw the ball back to you. You will run across any room to get a ball. Your most favorite thing is to throw the ball on top of Mocha, maybe soon, you'll teach her to fetch.

You go to sleep every night between 7:30 and 8:00. Most of the time you now sit and read a couple of stories with Natalie. Then Daddy or Mommy sing you Jesus Love Me and lay you down for sleep. Although you are asleep you keep moving and spinning. Even in your dreams you are on the move.

You run hard, play hard, dance hard, snuggle hard, and laugh deeply and hard. My prayer for you is that you always finish tasks with the same persistence and determination you have shown us this first year of your life. I pray you Love God all the time and love others, even when it's hard. I pray you and Natalie always interact and love each other. I pray you grow up to be a man of integrity, easy to give and receive Grace and constantly moving forward in your relationship with the God who gave you to us.

I love you, I love you, I love you, Micah boy!!!

Forever, for always, no matter what...

Happy Birthday!

Today, you are four...

2010-07-01T21:13:00.003-04:00

Dear Natalie,

In keeping with the tradition of the last few years, I'm going to share with you some things about you today, the day you turned four.

1. A lot has changed for you this year, you have a new baby brother, you started dance classes, had your first "girl fight", requested many items for your clothing/accessories and was tall enough to ride your first roller coaster.

2. You are an amazing big "sissy." In fact, you won't let us call you Natalie much anymore. You insist we call you sissy.

3. You LOVED your dance class. You did awesome job in your recital. You knew the moves and even went ahead of the teacher in a few songs. Even though you were one of the few three year olds on stage, you were one of the tallest kids. We are still not sure where that height comes from.

4. You are an absolute dare devil. While riding a real roller coaster, that you were exactly tall enough for, you giggled, threw your hands in the air, and pointed out the scenery. The faster and sharper it turned, the more you laughed. When we got off, you asked to ride in the front car. When we did, you loved it even more.

5. You can read all your letters and numbers. You can write Natalie Hall without any assistance from us. You color in the lines and get very irritated when other's don't.

6. You still love reading books and after just a few times, you usually have them memorized and "read" them to us.

7. You are very into practical jokes, especially with your Daddy.

8. You are a monkey, climbing on everything. You are obsessed with the monkey bars to the point of blisters on your little hands. You leap from your swing set and had to be stopped before you rode your pink horse down the slide.

9.You still like for things to be organized. On more then one occasion, you have to declared to us that our house is a mess. However, it must be said that you are usually the last one to help clean up.

10. You can get an attitude. You say "hmphh" when you don't like something, you cross your arms and stick your head in the air. This has resulted in many time outs for you.

11. You really love to be around people. You get upset when we aren't going anywhere after school.

12. You know how to use our cell phones to call grandparents and others. You know how to call 911. The other day, you picked up your play phone and said, "lets see...I need to check the weather."

13. You will do anything for a slushie. It's the best reward for you ever.

14. You taught us a big lesson in love and forgiveness. After you first real girl drama with "mean girl" we were talking. Mommy suggested you be best friends with someone nicer in your class, who likes you for you. You asked if you could still be mean girls friend. Mommy told you yes, but just suggested finding another best friend. You then said, "Mommy I want to be her best friend, cause God is our best friend even we are mean and not nice. He love us all the time." And sweet girl, you are right.

Our prayer is that you always love God and love others with such a passion. God never calls us to love only a little bit and you my baby love bigger then anyone. Blessings all over you.

We love you forever, for always, no matter what.

The Mood

2010-06-29T21:02:00.003-04:00

I have had one of those generally sad, really down days today. Part of this is most likely post vacation slump. Some of it is I really miss my family. A bit is that Natalie is about to be four in a couple of days and I can't believe how that is possible. Her birthday is followed by Micah's and I feel like I've spent less time with him in his first year then I ever imagined I would. These thoughts lead me to the fact that I still don't have a part time job. We still need my job for health insurance. Blah, blah, blah.

I have noticed though. Nothing subtle about it. I've seen it. Several times it made me smile. And right now, I'm reminding myself of it. So I type in order to acknowledge it.

It? God has been sending a lot of things my way to encourage me. More then usual. Enough extra encouragement that it got funny. Enough to make me realize He was initiating it. Enough to get my attention. I almost feel like with every blow today, He followed it with something good.

I walked into a gas station and the cashier sees my badge and says, "psychosocial specialist???" I tell her, in my very Eeyore mood, "that's just a fancy word for social worker." I might as well have said, "thanks for noticing me." Anyways, she says, "hospice, girl, you all are guardian angels...my mom died in February...just angels, thank you."

It was genuine. Not the "I could never work that job". Not "I don't know how you do it." Just a real, honest, genuine thank you.

My very random co worker grabs me this morning and tells me about a book she is reading. She's tells me this whole part today about being where God has placed you. And you don't have to look for His will because He puts you in it. I walked away breathing a little easier. I hadn't realized breathing was hard.

Another visit with a very tearful wife. She too says "thank you" again and again. For little things, like gloves and diapers and hugs. I can give her this stuff all day.

I had to implement a medication contract with a patient and family today. I had to be real tough. It's not a fun part of my job, although, it can be funny. Our doctor visited the same patient later in the day. She left me a message saying I must have put the fear of God in that family cause they told her everything she needed to know. She said if it made me feel better, they all really missed me last week while I was gone. That did indeed make me feel better.

I made cupcakes with Natalie today. She is really, really, funny.

I had a readmission for an elderly lady that I discharged last year. I was sad to see her name again, but looking forward to reconnecting. I spoke with her daughter on the phone. We talked a lot about her role as a caregiver. Daughter says to me, " I don't know what I'll do when she dies, but I know one thing for sure. When you finish a ministry, God just gives you another one."

He sure does. He sure does. He sure does.

Constant encouragement all day. Yet I still sit here, very melancholy. Very unlike me. I think in my own way, all of this is simply to tell God:

Thanks for noticing me. I know You have some very big things to do today, but I noticed you, noticing me. And I really appreciate it.

Upon further inspection

2010-05-22T22:07:00.002-04:00

A picture to follow soon, but I must share our discovery of the evening. This year Momma Duck has not been sitting on her eggs during the day. Each morning there is simply another egg in the nest. We got home late tonight and Momma Duck was here. She hissed at us and acted like we hadn't done this last year. But then, I got down near her level and gasped. We did this last year, but I'm pretty sure it was not with this Momma Duck. After taking a picture of Momma Duck on her now at least 11 eggs we are shocked. I'll upload a couple of pics for comparison later, maybe she has changed. But for tonight, I'm thinking this might be Momma Duck the sequel.

Ordinary day

2010-05-15T08:56:00.002-04:00

I spoke to my mom in the morning. Went to a meeting for work. Picked up a new orientee for hospice and drove her all around to see patients. Did some paperwork. Looked at Natalie's school stuff. Fought traffic. Watched people mowing their grass. Looked as a young woman struggled to carry an infant car seat up a flight a stairs. Played with kids.

Sandwiched in between all this ordinary stuff, I was in and out of one of my youngest patients home. I needed to assess his orientation. When I asked him what day it was, he barely opened his eyes, but gave a big smile. "My wedding day." And, he was right. They moved the day closer, per his request. He is not well. And, I, wonderful little me, had to talk with him about a do not resuscitate order on his wedding day. His bride and mom sat with us while he signed it. His little boy ran around the room. People were hanging balloons while my nurse hung another IV bag of pain medicine. Somehow, I don't think this is how he pictured it all to be. His grandfather came in and sobbed. His dad and other family members looked at me and said, "we have to stop meeting like this." Because of other times and other patients, I'm sure I look like the angel of death to this family.

I left to meet the doctor. That's when I fought the traffic, watched the people, and wondered at the amazement of ordinary life. People in this line of traffic are acting as if their life hangs on the balance of the next red light. I see his bright yellow DNR on my seat. I'm sure I'm the only one in line who is in an actual life or death situation and I'm not in any rush. By the time I get to my doctor, I'm tearful. She knows me well enough to know this is no ordinary day for me. She signs DNR, offers words of encouragement and tells me to go home soon. By the time I get back, they are married and he is sound asleep. Family is lingering by his bedside with his new wife curled up next to him. I give some final words to the continuous care nurse and make my own nurse leave. We didn't realize any family members were outside, so they saw us when we both started crying. Some days, some times, it is too much.

The family came running to us. "Is he okay?" I manage out that he is sleeping. Then one of them says, "it's kinda nice to know you all cry too."

Of course I cry. Not all the time, not even on most days with very sad patients.

But today, well today, is just no ordinary day.

But she's three!!!

2010-04-27T08:16:00.002-04:00

I've had a fairly traumatizing weekend. It started with the now famous shoe request. This request seemed to come out of left field. But, I figured she saw a commercial. Then, late Saturday night, Natalie and I had our first real girl talk. We had just finished stories and were about to pray when she told me that a girl in her class (I'll call her mean girl because that's the nicest thing I can come up with) told her she could not be her "best friend." Natalie goes on to say that now that she has the same shoes, she can be her best friend.

I'm screaming in my head. "She's three!!!"

So we talk. We talk about how we can be friends with anyone. We talk about how if someone will only be your friend because of your shoes, clothes, or hair, then they will probably not be a good friend to you anyway. Natalie has a good friend in her class so I say, "well, who is your best friend?" (I'm thinking we'll talk about why and how he is nice and fun, etc). She says the name I think she will and then says, "he says I can't be friends with anyone except him."

"SHE'S THREE!!!"

So now, we talk about how no one can decide who we are friends with but us. Then after lots of love and reassurance, I put her to bed, because I'm exhausted.

Fast forward through church where she loved showing off her sketchers. Now to Monday morning when she can't wait to get to school. She was sooooo excited.

Now, last night. I get back a sadder version of my little girl. It turns out, mean girl, told her that her shoes were ugly. ( I would like to nail mean girl to the wall but that's for another story.) Natalie says her shoes are almost like mean girls, but Natalie's has a heart where mean girls does not. Natalie says she does not like her sketchers anymore.

"SHE IS THREE!!!"

I took a deep breath. Then she and I went to ride her bike. I reminded her that she really liked her sketchers yesterday and this morning. She agreed. Then she says Mean girl is smart. I tell her that she is smart too and only Natalie gets to decide what she likes and doesn't like. This appears to be a revelation to her. She likes her sketchers again.

So this morning we have a new quote at our house. It starts with a high five.

Me saying: "High five"
Natalie: "High five"
Me: " I decide"
Natalie "I decide"
Me: "what I like"
Natalie: "what I like"
Me: "not you!"
Natalie: "not you!"
Me: "just me"
Natalie: "just me"
Me: " I decide"
Natalie: "I decide."

She walked out the door saying this. I stepped back, took a deep breath and talked myself out of finding mean girl. My social work brain says she has a whole lot of problems. My mommy brain doesn't care about anything but Natalie. I look in the mirror to make sure I look alright for work. I laugh when I realize, I could stand to repeat my own new slogan. Maybe it would do us all some good....

"High five! I decide, what I like, not you, just me, I decide!!!"

For today, I do not like mean girls. Probably not for tomorrow either.

Any advice? Because she is almost four. :-)

The trinity and beyond...

2010-04-21T21:30:00.004-04:00

Okay, anyone reading this will know that I've always had an issue with the word trinity. I can give you at least a dozen reasons why, but two are the most essential.

1.) It is a feeble, human, attempt to define a God who exceeds all definition.

2.) My God is bigger then a triangle.

Without delving into a huge Biblical discussion here, let me say I believe in the general concept behind said word. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit exists as one in perfect relationship far beyond my comprehension.

I've had a MILLION conversations with many people who attempt to convince me of this word. They usually only further convince me not to say it by now defining God as a triangle, water, pie, or my personal favorite, an egg. It's not that I don't understand what people are trying to say about the trinity...it's that others seem to be comfortable defining God in a place where I am not.

I am simply more comfortable saying, It's an amazing relationship that I will never understand, but pray to be a part of. That's all.

Fast forward to tonight. Natalie is famous for making up songs. She is singing away in the back seat, her new, "church song." The words? "I love church, it's where we go to worship God....something something something...God and Jesus are a circle and I love them."

"A circle?" I think to myself. I can hear the preacher standing in front of a bride and groom explaining the symbol of a wedding band...no beginning, no end, just as the love represented.

God is love. I John 4:7-8.

Hmmm....I like this image much better. A circle. Not three points all pointing in opposite directions, yet connected. A circle. No beginning. No end.

Just absolute perfect relationship.

Pies get cut, water changes based on temperature, eggs break (or get fried on drugs lol), but a regular old circle??? I'm still not comfortable defining God as a shape...but I have to admit, she made me stop and ponder more so then anyone else.

Maybe, just maybe, my three old is on to something here.

Luke 10:21-22

Easter pics

2010-04-06T20:27:00.005-04:00

We had a great Easter. A very busy weekend, but I successfully maintained my boycott of Easter sunrise services. This year, for a brief second, I debated attending. That was gone when Chris sneaked out the door before 6 am. Here's to all you early people....I hope it was fun. If you ever decide to make it a midnight early easter morning service (still serving breakfast), I'll be there. Given the adjustment for time zones, I think that's a more appropriate time anyway. :-)

Easter egg hunt pics

2010-03-30T08:12:00.004-04:00

Natalie had a little part in the service last week. Each of the kids said something from Psalm 100 and came in waiving palm branches. She was really excited and did a great job. Then for the egg hunt and Easter bunny. This year, she had no fear of the bunny at all. She even got Micah to smile...

The end of the day, Natalie gave Micah his bottle...she really is a great big sister!

Not this time.

2010-03-23T08:41:00.001-04:00

Just a little update to share that we didn't get that miracle, at least, not on this side of Heaven.

A reflection

2010-03-08T20:24:00.002-05:00

I dreaded meeting this patient all weekend. I had heard the report on Friday. I knew the "story." She wanted to go home to die. She is finally through with the treatment. She is very, very, sick. She probably won't make it another week. But, she really wants to be at home. I quickly called my supervisor and suggested the hospital social worker talk with her. She has little kids, does she want them to see her die? They sent the hospital social worker, who is wonderful, but she wants to be at home.

So, I go. She's six months from my age. I walk in the room and see a young husband, like mine, giving medicine through a pump. I see her toddler snuggled next to her on her bed. I've prayed all day to be composed in this moment. So far, for the first thirty seconds, I'm composed. They shoo their toddler out of the room so they can talk. They use words and phrases that are common at my house these days. I'm more then rattled.

After some small talk, I manage out something like, "okay, look, I've dreaded seeing you." She looks a bit confused, but I continue. "We are about the same age, we both have little kids, and I know in my heart that if I were in your position, there is nothing that I could say to you today to make this any better or different. So I'm just here to help walk with you, whatever that looks like, I'm here." She smiles. We chat for a while a longer and she says,

"We are still praying for our miracle."

I hear that a lot with this work. I believe miracles can happen. I don't pray for them enough, because, well, I rarely see them. I pray for my patients. I don't recall ever asking for the healing miracle though. In three years of patients, I've only seen the healing type of miracle once. That was a lady in her nineties, which, given today, makes no sense at all. I assure her that miracles can happen, but also encourage her to prepare as best she can. After all, none of us are promised tomorrow.

After a while, I chat with her husband and some others, then I leave. I sit in my car for a long time. I bowed my head, closed my eyes, opened my hands and prayed.

I asked God to give her a miracle. A healing miracle. I asked that she would see her kids grow up. And since I was so blatantly reminded of my own mortality today, I prayed this evening that I would get to see my kids grow up too.

Every day, I see two miracles. They are currently three and six months old.

It's about time I start recognizing them as such.

Scaring pregnant women

2010-03-02T21:29:00.002-05:00

Today, I accidentally scared a poor pregnant woman. It happened in Babies R Us...probably the least likely place to scare a pregnant woman. Everything there makes this baby thing look easy and pretty and wonderfully cute.

Enter me.

We have seen a new side of Micah over the last few weeks. It's this stubborn child who can will his mouth shut at the mere glimpse of anything other then boob or bottle. We have made numerous attempts to get him to eat cereal or bananas. Tonight, he finally barely parted his lips enough to squeeze some of the spoon in his mouth.

We found out yesterday that he has an ear infection. So now, we must give him an antibiotic. Yesterday we would squeeze a little medicine and stuff the pacifier in his mouth so he would swallow.

So I go to Babies R Us in search of the pacifier medicine dropper. I am convinced this will make my dreams come true. This will be the best invention known to mothers.

I can't find it.

I'm looking at the medicine droppers. Not there. I look with pacifiers. Not there either. Then I hear this voice on the other side of the aisle saying, "How do I know what nasal aspirator to choose?"

I walk around to see a pregnant lady with the coveted registry gun. She is there with her sister in law (I think) and her mom. I spot the pacifier I want, but they are blocking it. So I wait, but finally say, "excuse me" and reach for it.

The pregnant lady says, "what is that?" Now, I don't want to scare her, so I explain I have a cute little bundle at home who just really likes his pacifier so hopefully this will help him.

"It sure did not help mine." says her sister in law.

"Really?" I say, now very discouraged and forgetting about prego girl.

"Well, what did you do?" Says the mom. "Yes, do you have any suggestions?" I said.

"I don't think I should tell you." She says.

I'm desperate. "PLEASE..." I'm now begging.

"well, you see, we tried the paci, he spit it out. We tried everything. So, well, my son was about nine months... my husband almost sat on him, then I cradled his head under my armpit, we pushed the dropper as far back in his mouth as possible, kinda like a dog, because if you get it back far enough, the have to swallow...we kept trying to put it in his bottle, but the hole wasn't wide enough...if only they made a bottle medicine dispenser."

Then our eyes looked back at the isle and we both saw it. The bottle dispenser. We rejoiced together over our find. We discussed how I would buy both, because every child is different and maybe mine would like the paci. We talked about how hard sick kids are and how you just never know if your choosing the right thing.

Then, our eyes looked in the same direction again. Back at prego. She didn't look quite so excited. She was rubbing her belly and seemed to be in some far away place. Probably the happy place her lamaze coach told her to go when things get hard.

I let her stay in that happy place....she'll learn soon enough...happy land has a population of two.

The girl in labor and her anesthesiologist.

Some things are better discovered on your own.

A few happy pics

2010-02-18T15:06:00.001-05:00

Here are a few recent pictures. Natalie and Chris had a daddy daughter date night, which she loved. She got all dressed up and he took her to one of her favorites...McDonalds. They had a double date with Robert and Avery...she had a blast. The rest are some pics around the house. Everyone is growing fast...

Random life

2010-02-15T20:15:00.003-05:00

I've joined the world of facebook. I'm still not sure if I like it or not. It feels like one more thing to do...and right now, I'm so not into that. Our weeks feel long.
Have you ever gone on a really long trip and laid down exhausted at the end of the day? You know when you think back and realize you were at home this morning and now you are in (fill in the blank). Then you think, was that just this morning? Yeah, that's how all my days feel right now.

Not bad days or good days. Just really, really long.

I haven't blogged much lately for the same reasons.

Today, I had a day off. It was nice. Micah and I hung out for a while this morning. It saddened me to realize this was the first day I've had with him since October. It made me more sad to know that I had to ask Chris about Micah's routine. I keep praying, praying, praying that God will open up a part time job for me. I know he's got plans...I'm just waiting to see them.

My heart is just holding a lot of things. I need to journal. Journaling makes blogging easier. Then I can at least organize my thoughts. But for tonight, for right now, I'm just going to ramble.

We registered Natalie for Pre Kindergarten a few weeks ago. Although she is ready, my heart is so not. I watched a video of her today, she had just turned two. I found myself wondering where that little girl went. And, even though she sat on my lap and watched it with me, I was really missing her.

Micah, well, he is Mr Laid Back, I'll do anything while you aren't watching. He is able to get up on all fours now and assume the prime crawling position. Our house is no where ready for this so we are scrambling a bit. It's so funny, with Natalie we did all the tricks to help her crawl. With Micah, we are just watching. She didn't crawl anywhere close to this early, so we figure, he's got time. Poor kid, maybe this is why second children aren't so driven...they aren't as pushed. Parents know better the second time around.

Chris and I had a wonderful date last Saturday. It was good to eat dinner without interruption. We actually had several conversations. It was beautiful.

Work, is still work and ministry is still hard. I love Hospice, I hate all the paperwork, productivity standards, and Medicare driven patient care. Enough of this.

I'll close with something I read on Megan's facebook...it spoke to my heart this evening, here's to hoping it speaks to yours as well...

Life breaks and falls apart, but we know these are
Places where Grace is soon to be amazing.
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unresolved,
But when anything that’s shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see-It will not be Unredeemed

You never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see-
It will not be Unredeemed.
Lyrics from Selah

Let's recap shall we?

2010-01-26T08:25:00.003-05:00

Last night I was sleepily feeding Micah and reading Natalie her bed time stories. I ran my hand through her hair and felt something weird. I parted her hair and was suddenly very wide awake. Their in my little girl's head was a tick. It was awful. As calmly as I could muster, I instructed her to go to the bathroom and I laid Micah down in his crib. I looked again and this time, I could see it's stupid back legs moving. I was verging on melt down. I think I can handle a lot of things, but something with its teeth in my baby is not one of them. I called our friend Emily who is wonderful and came to my house. I called Chris at his meeting and said he had to come home. (He is amazing because he did). Then I called the pediatrician. Now, we are in process of changing peds because we have not been happy. I wasn't sure which office to call because we had records sent to the new one, but they haven't seen either kid yet. I ended up calling both. Here are my conversations...which peds office would you choose for your baby?

I called the old peds office first. The nurse calls me back.
I explain that Natalie has a tick in the middle of her head. This nurse says, "hmmm, well, I forgot my cheat sheet so I'm not sure what to tell you."
Okay...
"Is it big?"
"Yes, it is."
"OK, well that means it's sucking the blood."
"Ahhh"
"No, it okay, this isn't a big deal."
"What do I do?"
"I'm not sure, do you have google?"
(insert here I'm now cussing in my head thinking of course I have google, but I want to know what a doctor says you crazy fool).
"Yes,"
"Well, I think you are supposed to grab the tick with tweezers and turn it clockwise to pull it out, but I'm not sure, so you could google it."
"Isn't there a danger of the head being stuck?"
"yes, but we can get it out tomorrow in the office, or you could leave the tick there and we could take it out tomorrow."
"No, I'm not leaving this blood sucking thing in my child's head all night. Will someone think I'm crazy if I take her to the ER"
"oh, I wouldn't spend the copay on that."
(Insert, I would pay a million dollars to not have this in her head right now)
"Just google it, I'll be curious what they tell you."
"Well, I'm reading it and it says to pull it straight out."
"Do that then."

So I get off the phone with her now even more dazed. I call for medical advice and I'm told to google it. How does she know I wasn't looking at idiots.com?

So by this point, Emily is with me and we decide to call the new office. The nurse, Betty calls me back. This is how that conversation went.

"My daughter has a tick in her head."
"Okay, this is not a big deal, I know it looks bad, but it's okay...do you have tweezers?"
Yes."
"do you have alcohol?"
"yes."
"Okay, get the tweezers as close to her head as possible and pull very slowly and easily straight back. It's very important not to twist it or pull it fast. If you pull slowly it should all come out in one piece. You have to know it's okay if the head does break off, we have special equipment in our office to remove it tomorrow. But you need to try and get it out tonight. The sooner the better to not risk infection."
"okay, my husband is now home so we can do that."
"then put some alcohol on it, the neosporin. Your going to look for infection. If it gets a red bulls eye around it, then you need to bring her straight in. If she has a fever or rash bring her in too, but most likely, she'll be just fine."

Yeah, which office would you choose?

Buckle up

2010-01-13T22:00:00.003-05:00

I know it's been a while. For my own emotional sanity, I need to just write about the last sixty or so hours.

My float nurse tells me I need to get to her house. I go and the family tells me she's unresponsive. I'm sad, she's one of my favorites. I go in her room and crawl on the bed next to her. She opens her eyes and giggles. Then she asks to sit up. Her daughter was shocked, but we sat her up.

"Am I peculiar?" she says.

"What on earth do you mean?" I said.

"With this dying, the way I'm doing it, at home, with my family, in my bed. Is that peculiar?"

"Well, yes, your peculiar, but not for this." I get a smile. "Everyone writes their story, this is yours..." I tell her.

She asks to lay back down.

Then I sat at his house discussing the emotional turmoil his daughter is going through. "She has experienced so much death lately..." he says. I listen, validate his concerns, review his own prognosis and offer some support. After listening to her for a long while, I catch the conversation my nurse is having. I hear her mention my name. (Never a good sign). I try to wrap up with these people and move on...

"I hope you can get yourself out of wherever you're supposed to be next" says my wonderful, fabulous, RN.

"Why?" says me. :-)

"Because so and so says our patient can't live there anymore and we need to get over there and do something with her."

I tell her I'll meet her there.

I could tell this family this is our patients disease progression until I'm blue in the face. It does no good. They want her out, TODAY.

My nurse and I make that happen. Then we sit on the arms of the chair on either side of her. I look at her cute, tiny, little frame bundled under all those clothes. It amazes me that such a tiny woman can create so much chaos. Her sad eyes barely visible under her pink hat.

"You" she says. "You my angel with the blue eyes. You always come to help me."

Then she sobs.

I move my arm and allow her to curl her body up against mine. She mostly fits there tucked underneath me. I sit and rub her back and pat her. I tell her it's okay and pray that it will be. She finally falls asleep, exhausted resting against me. Then we get her out of there.

Another patient later, six phone calls, I'm madly talking with Chris before he rushes out the door to a board meeting.

A few legos here, some books there, snacks, pajamas, more bedtime stories, prayers with Natalie, bottle for Micah, stories with him, prayer, lay him down, another good night to Natalie, a little Wii fit and I collapse into bed after hearing about a board meeting.

Yesterday starts with our annual meeting, my "peculiar" patient dying, supervisor visiting people with me, and I end my day with a very sad, young patient. Way too much to type.

I just got home when I got a call from so dear friends whose babies just aren't growing like they should. We pack our little family, grab another wonderful friend and head their way. Lots of tears and more prayers. We get back home, do bedtime, and collapse into the chair, not haven eaten but a tiny lunch and no supper at ten.

This morning, I scheduled a less "emotional" day. I had a ton of paperwork to catch up on this week. I was going to see a couple of people who are coping well and then type, type, type.

It's the 5200 number showing on my phone. I'm in the middle of a visit. It can wait.

It's the 5200 number again. Man.

"Hello, can you wait a minute?"

I leave, it's my nurse supervisor. Patients are dying all over the place. Now, I know, when you work for hospice, this is to be expected. But not this many, this suddenly. I need to go help out my co worker who is at another visit, but had a patient die, family's not doing so good.

When I arrive I meet a dear sweet Alzheimer's patient who just lost their spouse. The family attempted to explain, with no luck. We suggest we sit with her and let her tell him goodbye. It was humbling to be present in that room. She got minutes of clarity as she realized he had died. She told him goodbye, she kissed him, she told him memory after memory, as if he'd been the forgetful one for so many years. Not a dry eye in the place. Then she sobbed, with her little body curled against mine too.

More patients, more paperwork, supper on the run, church, and bedtime again. I look around my house and see clean clothes piled in laundry baskets. Dishes in the sink. Dogs who need some love. A house that could use some serious organization. It really doesn't matter. For today, I'm done.

For today, I can honestly say, I've done what I could, I've shown love.

For forever, I think that's all that matters.

Mark 14:8

Our list

2009-12-20T22:45:00.003-05:00

In the midst of most of our family and friends being in a huge snow storm; I thought it would be an appropriate time to share our list. Chris and I have been making a list of all the reasons we love Florida. Here are just a few to share with you.

1. We had our back door open while discussing the church kids Christmas party.

2. Little old women at our church are more concerned about Micah being too hot, rather then too cold.

3. I now debate if should get the Peppermint Mocha Frappacino from Starbucks.

4. We got to take Christmas pictures at the beach.

5. We see way more of Santa~ here he is in his swimsuit more then his snowsuit.

6. My coworkers started singing, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" last week when it was 60 degrees outside.

7. If I get stuck for hours on the interstate, it's probably because of traffic, and most likely, there is no danger of me freezing to death. (I may get mugged, but that's for another list)

8. We live within about five to ten minutes of any major shop you can imagine.

9. When it is cold, the weather people almost always say, "it's not going to get back up to 70 until..." (when we lived in Iowa, I remember distinctly the man saying, we won't see double digits all week)

10. Finally, we put the bow on top our Christmas tree while listening to music....from the ice cream truck as it came down the street.

Chris' family have all been swapping pictures this weekend of the view from their houses. Here is my little family yesterday at the Shriner's Christmas Party, riding ponies, playing outside. Thanks to Mr. Mathews for the invite. We do love the Sunshine State.

Florida Christmas

2009-12-08T13:18:00.004-05:00

So we were thinking about mailing out Christmas cards this year. Then we thought:
who are we kidding? We'll never get that together. It's us and that requires addresses, stamps, post office, and most of all time. But, I do love these pictures, so I simply must share.

From our little family to yours, MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAPPY NEW YEAR, AND MOST OF ALL:
HAPPY FLORIDA (Where it's still warm and I turned on the AC today.)
PS. Just watched the weather, to all our Iowa friends and Minnesota relatives, if truth be told, I do miss a good snow day every now and then. It looks rough up there, have some hot chocolate for us. We love you all!

Santa

2009-12-07T20:19:00.003-05:00

I've got a lot to type and no time to type it, so here is our Santa picture this year.

frisbee golf

2009-11-15T15:07:00.002-05:00

We had so much fun yesterday playing Frisbee golf with our Sunday school class. We were with great friends, outside, all play and no work. Life doesn't get much better. Thanks to Troy and Sabrina for pulling us together. This morning we all got awards...I was given the kangaroo award. :-) I had my baby outside for several hours in November!!! A girl can get used to Florida weather. Thanks for the pic Kathy!

Working Woman

2009-11-14T21:43:00.001-05:00

The blogs are fewer these days because I went back to work. I've actually been back for three weeks now. It's just taken a while to accept it. I do LOVE my job. I learn everyday and am forced to stay focused on what is important. It's the second part that I'm so hung up on right now. Everyday I see what a treasure family is. Everyday I see how short life can be. Everyday I watch people soaking up more time. Everyday I turn my children over to the care of someone else. It just makes no sense. It never has.

I keep asking God to open up a part time job for me. I would love for this to be at hospice, but at this point, I'm open. I want to be home. More then I've wanted just about anything. Will you say a prayer for this too, for me?

So, there, that's it. That's all I have to say right now.

I've got some important little people to get back to.

My Babies and their pumpkins

2009-11-02T18:18:00.003-05:00

Here is Natalie in her pumpkin, she was about three and half months old in this picture.

Here is Micah in his pumpkin, he has just turned two months here.

Halloween

2009-10-30T18:30:00.005-04:00

Some Halloween pics from the fall festival at church. We'll be going Trunk or Treating tonight!!!

Here is my lion...

Supergirl!!! She is soooo very related to her Dad and Uncle DJ. She told me she wanted to be supergirl because she is strong and beautiful. :-)

Emma made the cutest pumpkin!

Avery as a Peacock, she was adorable. She's not sure what her daddy is doing though. lol

Then Natalie and Daddy.

Finally, Micah with Heidi. She is a couple weeks older then him. She was a super cute zebra and for a while, Micah wouldn't stop staring at her. There is a picture of all four new babies in the church and when I get a copy, I'll post it too. They are already growing too fast for me.

Happy Halloween!

family and bff's

2009-10-30T18:24:00.003-04:00

Here is Natalie with her cousin Justin. They were quite the pair this trip to WV.

Then we have Natalie and Micah with three of their four great grandparents. We will be going to see Chris' grandmama at Thanksgiving. Here they are with "Great Nanny."

Then with "PaPaw Orville and Mammaw Chip"

And, the ultimate act of love, Scott and Laura watched the three girls so their parents could go to Bible Study together. They are brave and wonderful. These girls love each other and fight all in the same minute. Isn't that what all good girl BFF's do?

A quick video

2009-10-22T10:03:00.003-04:00

Here is some video that I took on my cell phone, Uncle DJ you rock! (He gave me this phone.) Anyways, I took this video in Micah's happiest place on earth, the changing pad. He is turning into quite the "talker." Enjoy.

Missing Somer

2009-10-21T11:02:00.004-04:00

I'm sure that most of you have heard this on the news, but it never hurts to see her picture one more time. I don't have many blog followers, but you are all spread throughout the country so I just thought I'd share this with you. EVERY missing child story makes me pause as I pray for the family and that the child will be found. This one just hits really close to home, because, well, it is here, at home. When the police announced they were expanding the search and questioning sex offenders in a five mile radius, I realized our home is in that circle. We've all been looking for her since Monday evening. Yesterday we were stopped at a light and given a flyer with Somer's picture and info. Chris and I had our first conversation with Natalie about missing children and mean people. I'm crying as I type this. Why is it seriously not safe to allow our kids to walk home from school? Anyways, my mom asked me this morning how we talk about it with Natalie without scaring her. My response? I'm not opposed to scaring her. I don't know if that is right or wrong and when I finish this I'm looking up advice, but a little fear may protect her. Apparently, fear is what helped another little girl in the same neighborhood, ten days ago when a car full of strangers approached her. Fortunately a good Samaritan with courage intervened and that little girl is safe. I pray for a good Samaritan for Somer. I pray that she is found safe. Selfishly, I pray that my family will never face such a nightmare. I pray that the worst thing Natalie survives is a Mom who scared her a little more then necessary. Please join us in our prayers and looking about for Somer.

Last week

2009-10-19T12:16:00.002-04:00

We had a wonderful trip last week. It's always fun to see family and friends. This is just a brief blog to include a link to Natalie and Micah's first professional pictures. It was quite the ordeal. If Natalie was happy, Micah was not. If he was okay, then she wouldn't sit still. There are a bunch of pictures, mostly because Micah decided to eat during his photo session so the photographer just followed Natalie around the different props and took her picture. There are some great shots. Here is the link: http://www.associatedphotography.ifp3.com/ Just click on gallery and Hall babes. Some of our pictures to follow soon.

First trip.

2009-10-07T08:19:00.007-04:00

We are getting ready for a much needed trip to NC and WV. I'm very excited to introduce Micah to more family and friends. Natalie is super excited too. She's been counting down the days to the trip. Micah is still a great baby and we are most thankful.

God has been doing some super cool things here with our friends. To the BLT: I am loving this Bible study, thanks for being so open to God's leading.

Here are some pictures of our little family. Hopefully, we'll see you soon! :-)

How quickly we go from this:

to this: (Micah weighed 10 lbs 15 oz last Friday.)

This is what earning 20 stickers looks like, we've had several nights of Natalie sleeping now! YAHOO!

Our beautiful daughter

2009-09-23T11:46:00.005-04:00

My lovely daughter still does not sleep well through the night. Her four week old brother sleeps better then her. Everything I read about this tells me that it's time to stop rocking her to sleep or staying by her bed until she falls asleep, it says that when she learns to put herself to sleep, she will sleep through the night. All fine and good, except Natalie does fall asleep by herself and still doesn't sleep through the night. She just has this burning desire to alert us anytime she is awake. She may want a drink but she just wants to touch base. We are now desperate and trying all kinds of things to help her. Here are some recent, funny (now that's it's morning) really irritating conversations with her in the middle of the night.

We gave her a flashlight (she can't sleep with a nightlight on) so she can find her drink two inches from her on the nightstand without our assistance. We played with the flashlight and talked about it all day. She was excited. "Remember", we told her, "you don't have to wake up mommy and daddy if you need a drink, just turn on your light and get it."

11:30 PM. Blood curdling scream from Natalie, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

I go sprinting any there.

"Hey Mommy, I woke up, turned on my light and got a drink, all by myself. I didn't even wake you up."

I said, "yep that's great, now let's see if you can do this all night and just count how many times you wake up. You can tell mommy in the morning how many times you got a drink by yourself."

A few nights later:

2:10 am. Blood curdling scream from Natalie: "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
He goes in and she can't find her flashlight. Chris explains again that we are tired and we are sleeping. He gets her light and says, "please let daddy sleep, daddy is tired."

3 something am: "Mommy! Mommy!" (only two Mommy's I had just finished feeding Micah)
"Natalie what do you want?"

"Well, Mommy, I yelled for you cause Daddy wants to sleep."

Okay, new plan. STICKERS. She gets two stickers every time she goes all night without yelling for us. She can use these stickers to earn all kinds of things, ice cream, more stickers, an extra tv show, a doll, or her current ultimate desire: a jump rope. She must save 20 stickers for it. First night of stickers, home girl slept all night and didn't wake us up. We praised her and praised her and gave her the two stickers. Next night, she slept all night. Throughout the day she earns stickers for other things too and yesterday she cashed in ten stickers for the doll. We explained she starts over now and can earn them all again. She seemed cool with this.

Last night:

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" (I'm dragging in her room.)

"I need help finding the flashlight."

"Natalie it's right there, remember you won't get a sticker now okay?"

"that's okay, Mommy, I just want the light."

It's been three years, two months, and twenty-three days.

We are NEVER going to sleep again.

Any ideas?

The grocery store

2009-09-20T19:14:00.003-04:00

I saw her at the grocery store tonight. She was not making eye contact with anyone. She was walking through the isles, head down, only barely looking up to grab the items she needed. She seemed to be on an absolute mission to get in and out without talking to anyone. It's probably why she picked a Sunday afternoon to go there, maybe there is less chance of running into anyone who knows anything.

She is the wife of one my patients that died not long ago. I watched her, wondering if I should approach her. I watched other people hurry by her, her lack of eye contact made her very easy to ignore. I watched person after person fly by her, in and out, all focused on the most mundane task of grocery shopping.

Emily said in church this morning, this Bible study is to help us, "do life together." Her words echoed in my mind as I left the store. Life is so ordinary. Life happens all the time. Life occurs while we run past people who are so hurt. How can one person be in so much pain, surrounded by others, and no one notice? How did they not see her sadness? How was it so missable?

I chose not to speak with her this time. I prayed for her to feel God all around her today, but for reason's I'll never fully explain, I chose not to reveal her wound in the store of strangers, where she could hide. I knew if I spoke to her, she would have to talk again, she did not appear to want that.

And, by the grace of God, she could be me. Her husband, just four years older then mine when he was diagnosed. He died two years later, leaving her with three children. My kids would be nine and six. I chose to leave her alone, because she reminded me of me the day I met her. I know that if it were me in the store today, I would have gone alone to be alone. Something must feel ordinary after such great loss. Maybe Publix could be her ordinary today. She didn't need her hospice social worker to shatter that for her.

Right or wrong to not approach her? I'll never know. I have to believe right, because God would have let me run right into her if not. Right because she needed to be prayed over, even if she never knew the prayer was whispered within her ear shot, just behind her. Right because God reminded me today that we NEVER KNOW.

We never know what those around us are experiencing. Life is so very hard. People are everywhere. I'll bet everyday we are face to face with strangers experiencing unimaginable pain. Try to notice them tomorrow. Try to pick them out, and pray, if you should approach them or not. By all means, don't miss them. They are so sad.

I came home, hugged my husband and went about this evening. How I wish she could have done the same.

Picture blog

2009-09-17T19:57:00.005-04:00

Life is getting busier as Micah is becoming more alert and aware of his surrondings. He still sleeps a lot, but is definetly opening his eyes more too. He loves his sister and often responds to her more then the rest of us. He is a thumb sucker and Natalie has discovered if she gives him her fingers, he will suck them too. Of course, she washes her hands first. It just cracks us up.

Micah is growing, growing, growing. And, yes, he is mad enough about wearing the hat that he is standing mostly on his own, I love newborn reflexes. :-) If only the reflexes wouldn't disappear so quickly. I promise he looks bigger and different to me all the time. Here are several pictures during the last few weeks. Enjoy!

Saturday mornings

2009-09-07T20:12:00.005-04:00

Saturday, two weeks ago, Natalie climbed into our bed to snuggle in and watch cartoons. This "on demand" child has become accustomed to any show that she wants to watch being available to her whenever she is ready. Except for Strawberry Shortcake. This show only comes on Saturday mornings at 7. This show makes her appreciate the cartoon world that we used to know as Saturday mornings.

So, back to two weeks ago. She climbed into our bed and started watching her show. She wiggles and snuggles, giggles and talks, making it impossible to sleep late. Chris groaned and I suggested we soak it up because this would be our last Saturday just us three. Chris and I both laid there quietly as that statement hung in the air between us. Then, we enjoyed the morning together, a berry morning and all.

This past Saturday, I was lying in bed, feeding Micah when Natalie joined us. As Chris turned on her cartoon, we all got settled and I had to laugh. This felt SO normal. All four of us, as if life had always been this way. "Was that really just two weeks ago", I said to myself. Then I felt a twinge of guilt. I was almost mad then at the idea of my last Saturday with just my baby girl. Today, nothing, and I mean nothing, is better then the four of us. I don't know how our hearts grow to accommodate the love we have for our children, but yet again I am amazed. I knew I would love Micah. I knew he would be every bit as precious as Natalie is to me. But I could never understand until I met him.

In just two weeks, he has gracefully landed in our home and hearts. In just two weeks, I can't remember not thinking of him and praying for him. I say in just two weeks, it really was two seconds. I heard him cry and instantly I was consumed by both of my babies. I wanted to know he was okay and I wondered what Natalie would think, all at the same time. I love them both for a million reasons, most of all, because God made them mine.

Having Natalie gave me a better understanding of God's unconditional love for me. Having Micah gave me a better understanding of His unconditional love for us all. I never understood how He doesn't have favorites or love some more then others. Now I know. Regardless of it all, God says He loves us because we are His. We have His attention, His grace, and His love. Simply and only because we are His.

That makes me "berry" grateful indeed.

A picture update

2009-08-31T10:15:00.006-04:00

What a week! Today, Chris is back at work, Natalie is at day care, and family has all gone back home. I looked at Micah this morning and said, "well, it's you and me kid." He looked really worried and although I assured him that his sister survived, he still was concerned. He has rightfully earned the nickname, "Mr. McGoo" with his facial expressions. So far, he has been a great baby. Natalie was never a good sleeper. The last three nights, I've had to set my alarm clock to wake him up every three hours to eat. I keep waiting for him to stretch really good, realize he has joined the world, and get loud. But, I'll enjoy the quiet for now too. I think second babies are great cause I'm less stressed and soak up the moment more. Here a few pictures of our new family.

You can click on Chris' blog for a few more pictures.

Welcome Micah Christopher!

2009-08-26T16:19:00.004-04:00

Just a picture to show off the new little guy. Aunt Sarah took some amazing pictures that we will upload soon. In the meantime, enjoy this one taken just a few minutes after he was born. Two for two with both babies born on their due date! :-) We are home and are adjusting. More soon.

7 lbs 11 oz
20 inches long

Uncle Raymond

2009-08-20T13:50:00.004-04:00

Most of you know that Chris' Uncle Raymond passed away earlier this week. We had the funeral service today and it was a beautiful service, full of stories and love for Uncle Raymond. Even though it is my job to help people walk others through times likes these, I struggled with how to help Natalie understand death. The following is our conversation at the visitation last night.

Me: "okay, lets go look at Uncle Raymond, remember he cannot talk to us."

Natalie: "okay."

Natalie: looking in the casket: "he looks like he is sleeping."

(You shouldn't explain death as sleep to a child because they may fear going to sleep themselves. So I say)

Me: "I know he looks like he is sleeping, but he is not, he died."

Natalie: "but if I'm loud, I could wake him up... UNCLE RAYMOND!"

Me: "Shhhhhh. No baby, we cannot wake him up. He has died."

Natalie: "When will he wake up?"

Me: "well, when Jesus comes back."

Natalie: "Mommy, did Jesus go bye bye too?"

(Okay, now I'm really struggling.)

Me: "you see Jesus is in our hearts, but when we get to see his face, then we will see Uncle Raymond again and many other people who have died."

Natalie: "oh, why are those flowers covering up his feet?"

Me: "because he is like us and his feet might stink and the flowers smell good."

Natalie: "Oh."

Not getting hospice social worker of the year this time folks. :-)

We will all miss you Uncle Raymond!

Why I love being pregnant.

2009-08-16T19:17:00.003-04:00

Things people have said to me:

"Wow you are so big!"

"Are you sure you are due so soon? You are so little."

"Oh, the way you are carrying that baby, it must be a boy."

"Oh, the way you are carrying that baby, it must be a girl."

"I would double check the doctor, because that's a girl."

"Just make the doctor check your cervix, that will send you into labor."

"You sure have dropped. You'll have that baby any time now."

"You haven't dropped at all, I bet it will be a while."

"You are probably wondering when you will get your chance."

(After two of the three of us preggo folks delivered this past week)

"Well, I guess we know your next."

"Are you sure your eating enough?"

"You look really tired."

"You look so great!"

The above is just what I can remember from my conversations with others in the two and a half hour span of church for me this morning.

For the record, assuming that Micah is a boy and the doctors are not wrong, I have carried my two babies of two different sexes the exact same way.

It's time to give up the idea that we can predict sex this way.

Again, assuming, Micah, is in fact, a boy.

And yes, since two out of three of us have had our babies, (and I am not due yet) I'm hoping I'm next, or someone else has kept a very big secret.

:-)

Micah's room

2009-08-11T08:26:00.006-04:00

His room is ready.

Our bags are packed.

His car seat is in the van.

Now, we wait....

A day

2009-08-05T08:43:00.000-04:00

Less then three weeks. That’s how much time until Micah’s due date. Right now, I’m trying to motivate myself to start working. I’m tired and I really could just sit and watch television all day. However, if I decided to stay at home, I know myself well enough to know I would do anything but sit.

It’s a hard morning to start. My young patient died early this morning. She has three children, the youngest is 12. Her daughter and I sat and talked for a while yesterday. She knew we were this close to her mom’s death. I think she knew it better then all the adults in her family. For a few minutes she pulled out her baby book and we looked at it together. She smiled at some of her pictures that only a mom would take. I felt Micah moving about inside of me. I ached for this mom. She’s fought hard. We want to watch our children grow up. It’s a hard hospice day. Young adults, children, strange deaths, all make for hard days.

I heard it again yesterday from another patient’s sister. “It takes a special person to work this job.” Not really. I get tired of hearing that. I want to say “it takes a special person to live as though death never happens.” That would be unprofessional though. 

I have a good job. God allows me to talk with people when they are faced with the end. Some of them are challenging, some accepting, but life ends for them, ready or not.

My job is good because it reminds me all the time that I am no different then my patients. Ready or not, I’ll face it like them someday.

My job, I would like to believe, forces me to spend more days on the ready side, more days soaking up my family, more days with more important things to think about. More days about people and less days about stupid stuff. At least, that’s my goal. I hope I accomplish it.

One of the best weddings...

2009-08-03T21:03:00.005-04:00

One of my good friends got married on Saturday. No stress. No chaos. Just the bride and groom, the preacher, two witnesses, and two kids. We all arrived at the park, surveyed the land and our bride picked the picture perfect spot. Right under the shade of giant Florida tress with the river in the background, they got married. In ten minutes all was complete and everyone was smiling.

I watched them laugh and soak up the moment. I watched the bride stare at her new husband and manage to look at moss with her son in the same second. I smiled myself as we convinced her little boy to stand still for a picture. I watched the groom, with his eyes fixed on his bride the entire time; probably because no one was there to distract them. Everyone over eighteen had a place to sign on the marriage certificate. As I autographed my name, I thought, this is probably exactly how it is supposed to be. No distractions. Just each other and the commitment of a lifetime. It is without a doubt, one of my favorite weddings.

Our couple hasn't seen the pictures yet, so I'll just show you a few of our family before the wedding. I tried to seize the moment and actually get a decent maternity shot with Natalie. I know you all may be tired of the orange dress, but it's the only one that works right now. So here are a few pictures:

Duck Saga-Part-The End

2009-07-23T08:09:00.003-04:00

Who knew ducks could cry? I knew momma's could, so I guess it makes sense that momma duck could cry too. Finally, much to our sadness, Chris took the remainder of Momma Duck's eggs down to the retention pond. There were eight left and none of the eggs have ever hatched. A few have just randomly disappeared one at a time. Momma Duck rarely left the eggs so we had to wait for a moment that we were able and she was gone. That moment came last Saturday. Chris was cleaning the garage and realized she had left. So he moved the eggs and filled the hole. A while later, I left to go to the store. That's when I heard her. She was in front of our bushes with a soft little moan. It broke my heart. I told her I was sorry. I told her it happens sometimes. I still can't believe I talk to this duck. I didn't quite realize the household member she had become. I've look at the empty space every morning and every night to check on her when I'm at the door. Natalie says every time we go in and out, momma duck is gone and she is sad. Our friends have commented that she isn't there anymore to greet them with a hiss. I think the only one not missing her is the UPS guy and salesman. She was more of a house guard then our dogs are. We didn't get any salespeople at our door while she sat there. But alas, sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Hopefully Momma Duck is surrounded by her little duck friends right now. So, this is the end of our duck story. Let's hope she lays eggs somewhere else next year. :-)

Then she turned three...

2009-07-05T20:11:00.007-04:00

This week has been one long celebration of Natalie's third birthday. This year we took her to the store and let her pick out the theme for her party. She chose Minnie Mouse~ which was fun for all of us.

For a birthday supper, we had Minnie Mouse pancakes (well she and daddy had pancakes, my blood sugar went up just watching them.) Something about this picture makes me realize how grown up she really is:

Natalie helped me make cupcakes for her day care class to eat on her birthday. She is big enough to actually help, which made it fun for both of us. She can now crack an egg in the bowl and not drop any shell. I still don't do that well.

We went in with some other family members and bought a swing set for her this year. Chris and several friends spent all day Thursday putting this bad boy together. She LOVES it. We wanted to show it to her on Friday, the day of her party. We managed to keep her from seeing it all night Thursday night. Then, before we had cameras ready, Natalie sees it Friday morning and says, "look Mommy a new slide."

Her party was Friday afternoon. Chris made the Minnie Mouse cake. He did awesome. (this time my blood sugar went up because I had a tiny piece, I couldn't resist after smelling it all day.) :-) It was so delicious.

Natalie had a great time with friends. The highlight? KK and Papaw surprised all of us and drove here from WV. They arrived about on hour before the party. It was so much fun.

So as a repeat of last year: I love you baby big girl. Here are a few things that make you who you are at three:

1. Why? We have entered the world of why? You usually ask me endless why's despite all of my answers, you have more whys. When Daddy answers you, your response is usually, "oh."

2. You are more assertive and independent now then ever. And you've always been both.

3. I keep telling people that I think you've lost your ability to hear. You are now of the opinion if you pretend you don't hear us, then you don't have to listen. I think we are all learning more about grace and mercy at this point.

4. You LOVE to color. You are staying in the lines most of the time. You can trace your name and really love having us color with you.

5. You can "read" a lot of your letters. You know how to spell your name and can count to 20. (you skip number 17 occasionally). You can also count to ten in Spanish. When I asked who taught you that, you said, "Dora."

6. Speaking of Dora, you haven't watched her as much lately. You have turned into quite the Max and Ruby fan.

7. You are still a Daddy's girl.

8. You and Mocha are almost inseparable these days.

9. You are very excited for the new baby. I was still wavering on what his name would be. We kept debating Micah, Caiden, something else. Then, you came home from VBS with a picture you made of a boat. Micah was written on the boat because you asked for it to be. I asked you if we could name the baby Caiden instead of Micah. You laughed for a long time and said, "no mommy, that's silly, Micah can't turn into Caiden." So, Micah, whenever you are reading this, Natalie really finalized what your name would be.

10. You are sweet, kind, and usually nice. You act much older then three and everyone is shocked when they hear your age.

11. You tell us God lives in your heart. You also tell me He doesn't have a mouth to talk. Our daily prayer, is that one day, your little ears will hear his voice for the first time and you'll spend all of your life in awe of who He is and captured by His love.

12. Know I have treasured each day with you. Even when we have been rushed, busy, and running, I still love you. Even when you throw yourself down on the floor in a scream, I walk away because I love you. Even when you throw yourself in my arms with a big hug and kiss, I love you. Even when you tell everyone no at church and act like a crazy kid, I love you. Even when you are nice and smile and say thank you, I love you. Even when you mark on the walls, I love you. Even when you color perfectly in the lines on a page, I love you. Even when you are at your worst, I love you. Even when you are at your best, I love you. Never will there be a moment of your life that I don't love you.

13. I told you this morning on the way to church: "Natalie, I like you." You laughed and said, "Mommy, you are so weird."

14. Even when you think I'm weird, I love you.

30

2009-06-27T08:12:00.003-04:00

I turned 30 last week. I had a great day, Chris, Natalie, and everyone spoiled me a bit. That's always fun. Chris drew me an awesome picture of tulips and framed it to match our room. (plus he and Natalie gave a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure- I can't wait.) I am more then impressed with him all of the time. We went out last night and had a date. I love that we still have fun. Here are a few pictures~ enjoy the very preggo belly. :-)

And my goal for this year, well, it's a big one. My goal for my thirtieth year on this earth is:

I want to finish peeing before the toilet automatically flushes and splashes my butt.

Let's pray that I can make that happen.

To my patient

2009-06-18T18:06:00.003-04:00

I am so sorry.

I'm sorry that your death was as chaotic as your life.

I'm sorry that despite all of our efforts, your parents made life miserable for you up till your last breath.

I'm sorry that it all went down the way it did last night.

I'm sorry that you felt like your mom was "finally being a mom" simply because she was present.

I'm sorry that your family continued to steal your medications.

I'm sorry you died last night without anything for pain, because of their decisions.

I'm sorry you didn't have anything for pain because I feel like somehow, being the destroyer of your narcotics, makes me to blame as well.

I'm sorry that we weren't there.

I'm sorry that the law wouldn't let us go later.

I'm sorry you died there, you told me you didn't want to be there.

I'm sorry you were younger then me.

I'm sorry you never really knew what a mom was supposed to be about.

I'm sorry your dad was as he is.

I'm sorry that the entire system failed you from the day you were born until this morning, the day you died.

I'm sorry that for the first time in my life, it was your death that made me believe there are some people who really cannot be helped.

I'm sorry that it will take me a few days to sort through this and know we did make your life better.

I'm sorry all we could offer were bandages for physical wounds, hands to check you over, and an ear to hear only a piece of who you were.

Most of all, I'm sorry that you were never, ever, ever, given a chance to discover who you were.

Really.

I am so very sorry.

A much needed update

2009-06-13T17:26:00.006-04:00

Here is a much overdue update from our household. Between work, church, vacations, Natalie, house remodeling and just pure exhaustion, this blog has definitely taken a back seat. But, here we go.

Momma duck is still sitting on her eggs. We are trying to determine the best way to tell her they are likely not going to hatch. Any ideas?

We all ventured to Disney World last weekend. We met up with Chris' Mom, Grandmama, and other family for the Magic Kingdom last Friday. Then my parents came down for the weekend and we went with them to Animal Kingdom on Saturday. Natalie was fairly impressed this time around with the all the activity. The whole weekend she just really, really, really, wanted to see Minnie Mouse. Late Saturday, she had her chance. Mickey and Minnie were together. She totally by passed Mickey, who offered her a high five, and ran to Minnie, and gave her a hug and kiss. Here is the cute picture of the event.

Then back to real life this week. Work has been busier then I could ever explain. I've got far more patients on a caseload then I should, but it changes so fast. They are trying to get our numbers back down, which will be nice.

And, the pregnancy is going well. I do have gestational diabetes again. :-( Very distraught about this. I had pretty well convinced myself that I didn't have it with Natalie, but the three hour test here confirmed it all. My numbers were pretty high. So I'm back on a strict diet of lots of protein and not so much of anything that I like. My blood sugar is being a little more unpredictable this time around too. It's either pretty low or a little high. I see the doctor again this week and am curious to see what they say. I'm being good though, so it's frustrating. As for the baby, he's bouncing and moving and seems quite active. Natalie is enjoying singing to him and feeling him kick her. Pray for her though. I don't think she is grasping that he will be out of my belly one day. :-)Here is a good prego pic while I'm convincing Natalie to stand with Jimminy Cricket.

We are starting to plan for my baby girl's third birthday party in a few weeks. I still can't wrap my mind around that. I look at her with her new hair cut and know there is no baby left in that child. She's independent, feisty, bold, hysterical, and quite loving. If this boy is laid back I'm afraid he won't stand a chance against her.

Well, that's all for now, we are off for groceries and all that is Saturday. Have a great weekend!

Congratulations!!!

2009-05-25T08:50:00.004-04:00

Dear Doctor DJ,

We are so very proud of you (and Sarah). We love you and will miss you dearly while you are in Minnesota. I hope you love it there, but want to move closer in three years only because of the weather. :-) Congratulations!

All of us.

Let's rub bellies

2009-05-02T22:54:00.003-04:00

The rounder my belly becomes, the more fascinated Natalie is becoming with it. Tonight, she decided our bellies should touch. I can't believe I'm about to post these pictures, but they are really cute of her. Have a great weekend!

Momma Duck Part Five

2009-04-27T20:36:00.000-04:00

I've not written much about "momma duck" lately because, well, she hasn't done much lately.

She's been eating, drinking water, and sitting around on her eggs. I feel for her. :-) Except, the sitting on her eggs, I just feel like a nice round egg these days.

But, yesterday she and I had another chat. EVERYONE has been telling us to give Momma Duck water. This has made me laugh because I'm quite sure she is capable of getting her own water. But, after enough people have asked, told, begged, and called to check, we have given in and started giving this dumb duck water. I mean, she's the one who chose to nest next to my front door.

Anyways, I've digressed. Back to yesterday. I knelt down to fill up her bowl and she pecked me!!! She, pecked my hand!!!!

I reacted like any other normal sane person. I told her "no!" Just like I talk to my dogs. She tilted her head sideways in a very Mocha like fashion. I think she was trying to figure out what no meant.

I said, "listen hear momma, I've let you sit at my door for weeks now, I've let my daughter feed you, I've even gone so far as to check on your sixteen eggs every night at 8 pm because I know that's when you are gone. I've made other ducks leave and held my dogs back. I've listened to lectures given on your behalf about how I should purchase food for you and provide you water. But, this my fellow momma is it. I have a line and congratulations you just found it. No more pecking my hand...and no more pecking any other male ducks around here, you have enough eggs!!!"

Feeling much better, I bent down, poured her water and left for church. She still looked a little wide eyed when I came home today. I think, I possibly taught a duck what the word "no" means.

I wonder when I'll finally get Natalie to understand?

A few beach pictures

2009-04-27T20:18:00.003-04:00

Here are a few pictures from yesterday at the beach. We escaped for a few hours, I do love living in Florida. :-)

A much needed update.

2009-04-20T21:29:00.003-04:00

This blog will mostly be pictures from the last couple of weeks. I have more to post, but I'll get to them soon. Here are some pics from Easter Sunday and one of our new van. Natalie likes it, but she keeps asking me where my car is. There are also a few of Natalie and Mocha. You've heard the saying, "a boy and his dog." Well, our new baby boy is going to have to choose Lexi, because Mocha is all Natalie's. It was overnight that she went from tormenting Mocha to wanting her close to her. Mocha follows Natalie everywhere. If she is taking a bath, Mocha is sitting next to the tub. If Natalie is in the backyard, Mocha is too. If Natalie is watching TV, Mocha is beside her. They are quite the pair. I snapped a couple of these pictures when Natalie laid down beside of Mocha.

A whole new world

2009-04-18T19:49:00.002-04:00

Just a quick blog to say that today, we officially joined the minivan world. We did our research, mostly knew what we wanted, weren't going to buy today, got a great deal, bought a minivan, drove it home, and stared at each other.

It is a great deal.

We have a mini van.

Pictures to follow soon.

For life

2009-04-12T19:46:00.007-04:00

John Waller - The Blessing
From the album The Blessing

Chorus:
Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing for life

For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation

It's the third time in three weeks I've been asked the question; and, it's really starting to get on my nerves.

"Can't we just, *wink wink* hurry this up?" Or, in this case a similar question:
"So at what point will hospice go ahead and put her in a drug induced coma."

I no longer have the horrified look on my face that some of you have reading this. The question bothers me and irritates me and makes me angry, but it no longer shocks me.

"We don't do that" I say. We make sure our patients our comfortable. In the last few days of a natural progression to death, people are often unresponsive due to their disease, not our medication.

My answer is almost ALWAYS followed by the individual saying, "well I had this friend that died in hospice and that's what they did for him."

Again, I'll say, something like, Well I don't know what your friend's situation was; however, this is not an option. On a very rare occasion do we ever have to medicate someone that heavily. We only do it when their pain is so out of control it is inhumane and all other methods of pain control have been exhausted. Then and only then, will a doctor ever consider enough medication for pallative sedation. We NEVER make anything go faster.

Something about Friday morning. The family I was having this conversation with is driving me crazy. We aren't even sure their mom is appropriate for hospice (meaning I'm not sure her prognosis is six months or less) and they are asking us when we'll make her sleep. At least with other families it tends to be because their loved one has suffered and fought for years. Not so much with this family. They just have their lives to get back to.

I got in my car and replayed that daughters ramblings in my mind as I drove to the next home. Not even 24 hours ago and I was having such a different conversation.

"Do you understand how sick your wife is?"

That's all I had to ask and he sat with me and cried. He's in his ninety's and she's almost there. She wanted to live to take care of him. It's not looking like she'll get her wish.

I pulled out one of our books that walks through the dying process and read through it with him. Tears were running down his cheeks as he saw so much of her on those pages. He's hesitant to give the medications because he doesn't want to hurt her. He wants to have her with him for more days. They've been together over sixty years and he wants more. As does she.

It took my almost ten minutes to walk her from the living room back to her bed. She is existing on sheer will and determination at this point. She is only allowing us to provide extra care because she believes it will help him. She is still fighting to take care of him. She wants more days too.

I got her comfy in bed, kissed her head, told her I loved her and walked out. She was sound asleep before I got down the hall. I sat back down with him for a few minutes more and was on my way.

Two very different families. It's Sunday, and after a very full weekend, I still can't process these scenes happening so close together. That's the nature of working with hospice.

It's a good weekend to process it all. It's a good weekend to remember that Jesus conquered death a long time ago. It feels good to celebrate that today. Unless Jesus returns, death will come to all of us. In different ways at different times. But it's arrival is a certainty. So is death's ending. I can't wait for Jesus to come, take us all home, and let us live together. No pain, no medicine, no *wink wink*, no goodbyes.

And knowing that everyday I truly live in a world where God has set death and life right before me, I pray that it will be said of me, that I lived to be a blessing for life.

Wonder Pets

2009-04-08T19:47:00.003-04:00

Okay for this blog to make any sense, you will probably need to watch the following clip. You should especially listen to the chant at the beginning of this video.

Natalie loves Wonder Pets. I think I've been a good sport with a lot of shows. I'm fine with Dora, Diego, Blues Clues, and almost anything else. But, Wonder Pets for me is torture. I could rattle my list of reasons why, they are not valid. I don't like them because I don't. (I'm now using Natalie's logic).

Anyways, my dear darling daughter has been constipated for over a week. Every few days we go through lots of crying before she finally gives up and poops. I was chatting with my friend Melanie last week and she gave me an idea for a "poop song." A song that will entertain a child while convincing them to stay on the potty and try to poop.

Tonight I became desperate enough to invent such a song. This, people, is what I came up with:

Wonder poop
Wonder poop
We're on our way
To help Natalie
And save the day.
We might be big
And we might go plop
But once we start
We won't stop.
Go wonder poop.

My life is now about singing poop songs. I know this because Natalie laughed, was entertained, and did poop.

As I put her to bed I always sing her song. Tonight, she requested Wonder Poop.

Thanks Mel.

The duck

2009-03-31T08:43:00.001-04:00

Fourteen eggs. That's all I have to say.

The Saga of a Duck Part- Tre

2009-03-24T20:04:00.004-04:00

So the story continues with our nice friends and neighbors visiting us on Sunday. Robert, Emily, and their daughter, Avery come by the house and feed our "mommy duck." I feel slightly guilty as I haven't offered this little mother to be the slightest scrap of food. Natalie watched as Robert fed her and sure enough, we feed her once a day now too. She is shedding feathers on top of the eggs so we have no idea how many eggs there are. A lot is my best guess. Far more then the baby I'm carrying. Of course mommy duck will be done raising these babies by the time I birth mine so maybe a lot isn't so bad for her after all. Anyways, here is a video of Natalie feeding her tonight. Mommy duck still chirps at me, glares at me, and can make me feel a bit uneasy. All who know me know that I'm not a fan of anything with wings. I think she has sensed this about me. But, little Natalie, well she'll just eat out of Natalie's hand...

The yucky bug...

2009-03-23T09:14:00.004-04:00

Chris usually has Thursdays off from the church. We call this "Daddy, Natalie day." Last Thursday, Chris brings Natalie to our room and says, "I think we have a sick one." Little did we know what this weekend would bring. She had the stomach bug and was sick all day Thursday. She would say she was going to "choke" again and he went running. I took Friday off with her and she appeared some better, but still not well.

Saturday Chris wakes up with half the bug, he was "choking" but he was not well. Natalie wasn't well yet either. So day two of taking care of her and day one of taking care of him. Sunday morning, Natalie wakes at 5:30 with lots of stuff in her pull up. I'm thinking, "seriously?" Then at 7 she throws up again. She looks at me with sad, sad, eyes and says, "mommy, will you take me to the doctor so he can make me better?" I told her that since she was going on day four, she had earned herself a trip. I called the doctor and they saw her. Basically I had done everything wrong for her on Saturday. I'd given her chicken noodle soup, let her have some water, let her eat some pasta, (I thought she was better.) The nurse and doc told me soup is bad for the stomach bug. We went on the brat diet with both Daddy and Natalie. Chris was on day two of being sick and wasn't any better. I'm thinking, what happened to the 24 hour bug?

Yesterday was a hard day. Natale wanted to be carried so much that my back still hurts. Chris was miserable. Natalie was not well. Then, Natalie's toilet wouldn't flush. We didn't have a plunger, because we hadn't needed one yet. So, I leave my husband propped up in the living room by the recliner and a blanket, Dora on the TV, hoping Natalie won't move or need anything and race to Target. Purchased said plunger and back to the house. Fun times.

Finally, this morning, they both appear to be on the upswing. Both have had some food and had lots of Gatorade to drink. I'm off work and can hopefully go back tomorrow. We are all praying that I don't get this horrible bug. And I'm praying you don't either.

I must go. My hands are so cracked from sanitizer that I bought some gloves to clean with while I was at Target. The cleaning is calling me...

A pic of my sick ones yesterday:

Duck Saga-Part Dos

2009-03-17T22:18:00.002-04:00

Eight eggs now people. Eight.

Tonight on my way in the door I noticed this other duck approaching what I now refer to as "our" nest. I told this stranger duck to "shoo, go on, get away." Momma duck, who is sitting on her eggs, looks at me and quietly chirps. Not quacks, this is, after all, a mutant duck that swims in a retention pond.

Mommy duck looks at me, looks at the other duck and chirps again. I say, "OHHH, is this their daddy? Do you want him here? I see. Well, okay."

She chirps again and looks away.

I realize I just had a conversation with a duck.

And after the crazy day with some of my hospice patients, I decided it was the most logical conversation I'd had all day.

The saga of a Duck-Part 1

2009-03-14T19:51:00.003-04:00

Tuesday morning I walked to the house after a long day at work. I noticed an egg laying just inside the mulch right beside our front door. We have dozens of ducks in our neighborhood who enjoy splashing in the retention pond down the street. This is clearly a duck egg. Why on earth would that stupid duck lay an egg here? We are in and out of this door all the time. Our dogs look out this window and bark like crazy at the ducks. Why here?

Wednesday morning. Two eggs.

Thursday morning. Three eggs...and the duck. I drop stuff on the sidewalk. I make noise. I stare at the eggs. I try my best to communicate this is not a good place for a nest. The duck simply stares at me. "Why here?" I ask her...no response.

Friday morning. Four eggs.

Friday night. We have company, several couples from our church are coming over for dinner. Each couple is greeted by two ducks in our front yard doing the urban duck love dance. Great.

Saturday morning. Five eggs.

How many eggs do mutant ducks lay? I have no idea. But, I'm pretty sure we'll find out by Easter.

Let's recap, shall we?

2009-02-28T19:21:00.006-05:00

This is me at roughly 22 weeks with Natalie...

Here is me at almost 15 weeks with baby number two...

I'm trying to enjoy this, I really, really am...but I'm feeling slightly traumatized.

The rest of the story.

2009-02-18T08:31:00.005-05:00

There was a detail I left out of the Marathon blog so as not to take away from Chris and Emily's accomplishment. Now that it's been a few days and I'm finally feeling less sore, I thought I would share.

Do you know how many times a two year old needs to use the potty during a 26 mile run? A lot. We used porta potties. This involved holding her up with her legs straight out trying to convince her to pee even though, "my butt's not touching anything Mommy."

Every time she needed to pee we were waiting for Chris to turn the corner. He was always so close. On the beach, I picked her up, ran across the walkaway, held her over the potty, ran back to the beach gasping for air. I didn't train for this. We used the country club restroom, the dairy queen restroom, and yet, more porta potties. All in all by the end of the day, she and I were tired. Daddy ran 26 miles. We found all the cool places to pee along the route.

Natalie in the country club restroom and she and I still together after the marathon...

Marathon

2009-02-15T20:33:00.005-05:00

Wow!!!

Chris and Emily finished the marathon!!!

I am so impressed with both of them. Yesterday was an expo and since it was a breast cancer marathon, all things were pink. We acquired a lot of stuff. I'll let the pictures tell you about the weekend. We had a blast.

The first few are of Natalie and Avery at the Expo. They had big banners everyone could sign...Emily ran in memory of Beverly a beautiful woman from West Jax church, Chris ran in honor of Aunt Jo...who was diagnosed last summer.

The last ones are of the race and post race, enjoy...

So I didn't get Emily in the center...but she was running...

The New Kid

2009-02-09T19:23:00.004-05:00

So there's this new kid at our house. Nope, not the baby. This kid has red, curly, long, straight, hair. He drives a car and meets Natalie at the playground. He tickles Daddy and Mommy. He eats with us and tells us when Natalie is sad, or happy, or mad, or well, you get the point. His name? "Buddy Buddy." Yep, our very first imaginary friend. Buddy Buddy is quite the jokester and is forever helping Natalie in various tasks.

Unfortunately for Mocha. Poor, poor, poor, Mocha. Buddy Buddy has only increased the level of trauma to this most forgiving wonderful dog. Lexi has managed to bypass all sightings of Buddy Buddy. Mocha wishes she could be so lucky. But, just in case any of you ever wanted to buy Mocha some clothes, 3T does seem to fit her well....

Random thoughts before work.

2009-02-03T08:13:00.002-05:00

So I need to switch over to my laptop and complete paperwork from yesterday. I really don't want to. It's been so incredibly busy at hospice the last month that it's hard to keep up with it all.

I'm also a little sad. One of my patients died early this morning. I know, I work for hospice, this is to be expected. There are certain patients, although quite rare, that I find myself missing when they are gone. Some patients just grab my attention differently then others and he was certainly one of them. He and his wife are very strong Christians. They were good witnesses to our team and opened some great conversations. Their approach very direct, some were put off, but everyone grew to love their family. Now, he is gone. I find myself wondering what it will be like when Jesus returns and gathers us all together. I am hoping that at some point during eternity, I'll get to see my hospice patients in one area so we can chat. There is so much of their story I'd love to hear. I want to see them all well. I want to see them without death hoovering all around them. I want to tell a few thank you. They changed my life much more then I was able to change their death.

Marathon

2009-01-20T12:00:00.002-05:00

Would you believe your husband if he left early every Saturday morning to train for a "marathon" and you found this picture on your camera?

A simple vote of yes or no would suffice. :-)

The world as Natalie sees it...

2009-01-19T18:19:00.003-05:00

Just a random update to say we are still alive. Our major accomplishment this month? Natalie is using the potty!!! I am afraid to type this, but, knock on wood, no accidents in two weeks! Yahoo!!! We had tried a few suggestions from others, none of them worked. Everyone kept telling us to just put her in big girl panties and she would stop peeing in them because she wouldn't like being wet. Well...the girl is as laid back as they come and being wet didn't bother her at all. So when the house was all wet, we stopped that. We tried other things, still no progress. Finally, we thought, we'll just wait. Then one day a couple of weeks ago she said she wanted to potty. She did all day and each time I wisely rewarded her with chocolate. (what girls will do for chocolate.)

Now here we are. I'm not sure when I'll learn to filter kind advice and just let her grow at her speed. She's done most everything when she decided she was ready. She threw away her pacifier. She gets herself dressed. She eats however much she is going to eat and that varies on any given day. She takes her own pictures.

The only constant is chocolate milk every morning. She comes by that quite naturally. :-)

We've enjoyed a day off together. It's been fun to run around the house and watch movies. She napped with me for the first time in a long, long, time. As she snuggled up close to me I found myself enjoying the being still with her. We run all the time. It's nice to know that some things, some times, when she chooses, she still wants to do with me.

Details

2009-01-12T12:00:00.002-05:00

Well we have gotten lots of phone calls and e-mails from our blog announcing baby number 2. It's been fun to let Natalie tell our secret. Many of you have asked for details so here are a few.

We are due on August 24. Our first ultrasound is this Wednesday (Chris' birthday). We are praying for everything to be fine.

Natalie doesn't really get it at all, but when asked, she'll tell you she wants a sister.

And...to answer the most frequently asked question. We don't know. I don't know if we will find out what the sex of the baby is before sheman is born. I cannot explain how much fun it was not knowing when we were pregnant with Natalie. I think it's the only reason I got through labor. With that said, Natalie does well if she is prepared and it might help her to know if she's sharing clothes or making room in her toy box for boy toys. So I don't know. We have several weeks to decide. We are at a loss for names. I want to use the middle name Lee (Boy) or Leigh (Girl) because it is family name for me. Any suggestions for a good first name? We are up for them... Have a great week!

The B I B L E

2009-01-11T20:15:00.003-05:00

Natalie loves to sing. Usually she memorizes a song in no time and will sing it by herself. She loves the B I B L E; however, she cannot remember the third line as it is supposed to be. I will give her credit for always singing it the same way. Enjoy...

Things I love

2009-01-08T08:08:00.006-05:00

Here are a few things I love about today:

It's supposed to be 70.

We just now need to rake leaves out of yard...in January.

I slept good last night.

Funny faces.

Natalie's new shirt:

And...

Summer babies.

Hospice and whimsical

2008-12-27T19:07:00.003-05:00

We had our weekly team meeting yesterday. Yes, the day after Christmas, we had to meet and present on every one of our patients. It was a long day. In order to have said team meeting, Medicare mandates that a doctor, nurse, social worker, and chaplain must all be present. If any of the core group is missing, you cannot meet and officially collaborate on each patient. Anyways, our team chaplain was out of town last week. So we had a PRN chaplain fill in and sit through our meeting. He was very nice and polite. He gave a devotion, prayer, and then some comments as we discussed each case.

Then...about an hour into the dullness, he starts laughing. Not just a giggle, but an out and out roar. We were all slightly confused as nothing terribly funny had just been spoken. Finally, through his tear filled laughter he said, "do you all realize you are sitting on millions?" "These stories, these people, you could make millions on a book from the few stories I've heard today."

Laughter slowly spread across the room. I get used to a certain level of crazy in this job. I go into people's homes and spend time in their story at a very critical juncture. And people, are always people, dying or not.

We laughed as we realized how these stories might sound to a new person listening. He had not heard about the rooster chasing me across the yard, in the middle of the city. He didn't know the man had a security camera on his back yard connected to his large screen television so he watched me run from this rooster.

The chaplain wasn't aware that we had a patient whose son gave him a gun and told him to kill himself. He hadn't heard the story of another patient whose family members drive by their loved ones home for eight months and never stopped. Suddenly when they are dying, they are at the bedside wondering what went wrong.

This chaplain didn't know about my veteran who won't let me take a pen into his home for fear of me writing any information about him. Or my 100 year old who is sharper then me. I told our patient we were giving her daughter some medicine to help her sleep, the patient told me, it would be neat for me to give her daughter a pill that would make the patient sleep.

Then, oh, then, we have the people who I need to inform they are dying. Or the ones who yell about everything. Or the rich who think they can "buy" good care for us. (I assure you we give good care to them all). Or the homeless woman we have in a shelter right now. Or...my list goes on.

Just my caseload of thirty or forty a week. My team serves eighty to ninety. This hospice on any given day has over 900 patients.

I had this idea that working here would be a time of reflection. A time where dying people impart wisdom and I get the benefit of listening. As a friend said recently, I thought it would be whimsical. A good word I thought. And as I looked up the definition I found it to be an accurate description after all.

Hospice = whimsical: Full of, or characterized by, whims; actuated by a whim; having peculiar notions; strange; freakish.

So to the outsider looking in they say, "oh I don't know how you can do that job, doesn't it get to you."

Yes, my friends, it does, but not because of the dying people. It's those whimsical living ones who are hard to handle.

Christmas Day

2008-12-23T20:09:00.004-05:00

Well, it's already been Christmas at our house, twice. You see our whirlwind life involves me working both Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas, while managing to squeeze a 4-5 hour trip to Panama City on Christmas Day. This meant none of these days would work for Natalie to wake up at her house with her "Santa" and family presents. This Saturday, Chris is running 23 miles so we couldn't have our Christmas then. What day is left you wonder? Well, last Friday. I took the day off work and we had our Christmas. Yesterday, Chris' parents stopped here on their way to Panama City and we had another Christmas. Natalie will have opened a lot of presents by Thursday. It's been great and I must post some pictures before Natalie's KK shoots me from WV. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas whatever day you celebrate it! :-)

Christmas tree adventures

2008-12-14T18:08:00.007-05:00

One pic from the mall seeing Santa with KK and Papaw:

We finally got our tree up earlier this week. I am just now putting some of the pictures on the blog. Natalie is funny. There are a lot of words to describe her, but funny is usually the first. One of the girls from church told me today that she will never be good at poker because her face is so expressive. She is so very right. Some recent things that Natalie has told us is:

"Shoo wee, I've had a busy day."

"Everyone cover your eyes....good job people."

In the line at Target, "hey Mommy when you hold me and not let me walk, it hurts my booty booty."

Yeah, that's my kid. Anyways, putting up the tree was just all the more funny. When Chris started pulling stuff out of the attic, Natalie said, "wait daddy, let me get ready and I help you." This is what I found a few minutes later:

This is how she enjoys eating cookies:

And this is where she spent most of her time while we decorating the tree:

Finally, she ends the evening pondering life while drinking "daddy's warm chocolate." You can't call it hot chocolate, she'll never drink it because "it's too hot."

Natalie vs Restaurant Trash Can

2008-12-12T08:25:00.004-05:00

Round 1 goes to:

The Trash Can

The first picture is last night after we got home. The second is this morning. She was smiling more and said, "Mommy my owie is all better and my owie is still an owie." I'll have to check her baby book to see if there is a spot for first black eye.

Secrets

2008-12-02T20:00:00.002-05:00

Today one of my patients gave me a piece of her story. She said she needed to talk and asked her family to leave. I pulled my chair close to her, held her hand and let her cry. I let her tell me how mad she is at it.

It is the pain, the cancer, the signs, the symptoms, herself ignoring all of these things. I just let her cry and be mad.

Then, she handed me her secret. To me, it came out of nowhere. It wasn’t in context with our conversation. It was as if her wall around her heart crashed in all the madness and her secret tumbled out of her mouth. She said it. She told me. Details that she has never shared. Ever. We talked about it. I listened and wiped her tears. I listened some more and was teary eyed with her. I prayed.

Then she said she thought she would have understood it by now, in her old age. I gently suggested there are some things in life, which are so horrible, they are not meant to be understood. I threw a different light on her secret. We spun it around and looked at all the protection she had offered to others because of it. She told me she hadn’t thought about that protection she had given to so many.

Her entire being changed. Peace and freedom washed over her face. Her body relaxed and she told me she felt better now. Tired, but better. I stood to leave feeling like I needed to stay and hold her hand. I felt as if I should say something profound and well thought out. None of that came to me. She was tired. I bent down, wiped her hair away from her face, kissed her and told her that I loved her. She kissed me back and I knew I had to leave.

I was privileged enough to be holding her secret. And it was long past time for her to let it go.

Good to be home

2008-11-28T08:47:00.002-05:00

After crazy work days, busy church days, and chasing Natalie days, it's good to be at home. Right now, I can hear my mom and Natalie setting the table for breakfast. I love hearing Natalie say, "oh KK, I help. Papaw, I have the blue plate." Yesterday we had so many family over for Thanksgiving we had to eat at the church. 32 people. All of them family. I also had to laugh because Uncle Rob, Aunt Pam and their family ate with us. Ten years ago they would have been welcome there, but they would have been Pastor Rob and Pam. Now, with my marriage to Chris, they are family too.

Time did what it always does and moved much too fast. I could have sat for hours with just a few people, my grandparents, my cousins, their kids, and just catch up. The last time I saw some of the family was last Thanksgiving. I hate that about living away from home. I do love Jacksonville, but I will always miss home. I'll miss random get togethers with friends I grew up with. Most of us left here after high school, but of my close high school friends all have moved back to the local area but me. It's good to be closer though. It's good to see them and pick up where we left off. It's good to meet new babies and realize how much you love your friend's children. It's good to see new homes and familiar faces. It's good for the soul to be home. It's also good for the belly. I'm smelling my Dad's breakfast and it's calling me away from this blog...happy day everyone!

Congratulations!!!

2008-11-19T22:44:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm swiping this picture from Megan's blog because I had to introduce my few readers to my now favorite boy! Congrats Kyle and Megan, Carter is so handsome! I wish I could tell you all how much we love him! Enjoy your sleepless nights...we love you all too!

If you would ask me

2008-11-09T15:33:00.002-05:00

I'd tell you that I have found myself frustrated this week. I'm frustrated with many things, but mostly with the election. Now, to be totally honest, I really am not bothered that Obama won. I walked in the booth on Tuesday still wrestling with who to vote for. I had serious reservations about both of them. I also saw qualities I really liked in both candidates.

What has bothered me is this hailing of Obama as the first black president. Rather then celebrating a world where race was not an issue, where two people of differing races created a child who is half of both of them, the media and to an extent, Obama, has chosen to ignore that he is as much white as black. I am much more excited to have him in office because he is living proof that when races join together, good things happen and people move forward.

I do not believe him getting elected is a true fulfillment of Martin Luther King's dream. Why? Because I have heard over and over and over that many people voted for him because of his color. They voted to shatter the glass ceiling and make history.

Really? This man promised to help the poor, provide health care to millions, and to end a war. And some Americans voted for him simply because of his color.

If you ask me, I am sad.

I'm still looking for the day we vote for someone, not based on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character.

Lessons learned

2008-11-02T19:35:00.002-05:00

1. Ear infections can attack without warning. Your child can be happy when you lay her down for a nap, and wake up screaming about her ear.

2. Solantic ( a walk in clinic here) should not be used.

3. Pharmacists really do save lives...(mad props to you Matt and Anne for all your work.)

4. With my kid, good meds(accurately prescribed) go a long way...she appears to be feeling better already.

Trick or Treat

2008-11-02T19:16:00.004-05:00

We had a great time Friday night going trick or treating with Parker, Emma, and their Mom's, plus Megan. It was so much fun. Natalie was all about following Parker...until they knocked on the door. The minute anyone opened their door, she bolted inside. I have to work with this child. :-) Here are a few pics from the other night.

Bravo

2008-10-29T22:53:00.005-04:00

For the purposes of this blog you must understand what a Bravo is from Hospice. A Bravo is something one employee can give another at any time they feel the other employee went beyond the normal day to day job to help a patient. At the end of the month all the Bravos are entered in for a gift card drawing. It's a great way to boost morale. I've thought it was a neat program all along.

With this said, my little pilot team ended today. I cannot communicate how difficult this pilot team has been, how many hours I have worked, or how much stress it has created. All seven of us pilot members said all day yesterday, we'll be done today. It was a really long meeting yesterday. At the end of the day yesterday they told us our meeting time today was changed to 12 instead of 1. All of us balked a little having to change patient visits yet AGAIN. But the executive people assured us this would be "fun" for us as we wrap things up for the pilot. I thought, okay, fun. Fun sounds good right now. I like fun. Six weeks ago I was a fun person. Cool. They reminded us again to come for our "surprise."

Last night I got yet another voice mail telling us to attend at 12 for a surprise. Then again, this morning a text message reminder. I was beginning to believe this might actually be fun.

Silly, silly, me.

Arrive at noon-Difficult due to clients

A lunch ticket to the cafeteria for free lunch- fine, it is noon.

Joined by "Big wigs" to come and eat with us pilot people- alright.

A thank you card- standard.

A Bravo for each us- priceless (no really priceless, it is worth no value).

And to think I worked 12-16 hours a day for the last six weeks to come in one hour early for a cafe meal, a card, and a bravo. If only they had told me to come in at one today. It would have stung a little less.

I did not expect anything. I'm a salary employee, I understand that I'll work for free most of my life when I'm salary. But, yesterday, they told us to come for a surprise. They said it would be worth my time. I sat and ate a cafeteria lunch while typing on my computer, listening to voice mails amidst the other pilot team members doing the same. Not fun. Then right before one they pass out said thank you cards and bravos. Although I am laughing inside, again, not fun. I'm still a bit shocked by it all. I'm tempted to complete a psychosocial bereavement assessment on myself after the let down from no fun.

My bravo says, "Allison committed extra time to help move the organization forward."

Wow. Extra time? That's how they define me putting my child to bed for nights on end and typing until midnight. That's what they call talking to my RN's and other staff attempting to calm all of us before yet another meeting? Extra time is what they call all the time my patients were not seen because I could not get there? Extra time is what they call changing how they want us to input care plans EVERY WEEK so I had to redo them again? Extra time? Extra?

How about a Bravo that says, "Allison committed all of her time, sacrificing time with her daughter and family, along with her sanity, only to realize that we really don't care about her input but for the purposes of PR we needed a pilot team so we could pretend to care."

Now that my friends, would be a Bravo worthy of being written in a employee file.

:-)

Video and such

2008-10-25T20:56:00.003-04:00

Today has been very fun. In his quest to run the Marathon in February, Chris ran sixteen miles this morning. I'm very impressed. I also wanted to take Natalie to the zoo and I was quite sure he would not feel up to all that walking after all that running. So she and I ventured to the animal kingdom together. I don't know that we've ever had a whole day of fun with just us girls. Before we hit the interstate I stopped at the Starbucks drive thru (insert here an advertisement for Starbucks, everyone in the world must try their Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, I'm a big fan of pumpkin spice latte this time of year, but the hot chocolate beats it hands down). Anyways, back to sitting in the drive thru, I suddenly flashed back to girls days with my mom. If we were out of town together, it almost always included Starbucks. (of course now, Princeton, has a Starbucks). I loved my days out with my mom, I still do. I found myself today aching for her to join us on mine and Natalie's first girls day. However, KK is not real fond of zoos. She feels sorry for the animals in cages, so we'll keep her to the shopping days. All that said, I soaked up today. I watched Natalie as she yelled, "hey monkey" from the top of her lungs. I laughed in amazement when the monkey actually turned to look at her. She giggled and sat in awe during the train ride. She calls it the "chugga chugga choo choo ride." We looked at the water, watched the alligators, lions, elephants, we fed a giraffe, which has a really long tongue, and we got the giggles at lunch and couldn't stop laughing. It was a great day. It wasn't until leaving the park that I realized how much like me this child is. Natalie pulled herself up on a park bench and asked me to sit beside her. Then she said, "Mommy sit with me and watch the people." I love watching people, so I joined her. We sat there for a few minutes and took in the day. Our first girls day. I'm hoping for many, many, more.

The video is of Natalie enjoying her favorite book right now, Brown Bear. We took this video last week. She now has it completely memorized. She is growing...

Blues Clues

2008-10-13T22:41:00.002-04:00

The adorable pumpkin hat is from Uncle DJ and Aunt Sarah...the blues clues costume brought shrills of joy from Natalie in the store when she discovered it. Whenever she puts it on, she quickly turns around and says, "See, my tail!"

A Happy Post

2008-10-05T18:57:00.003-04:00

At the risk of my few readers thinking I'm depressed, I thought I should share some happy things for a change. These pictures are of Natalie getting ready for a birthday party. She is saying and doing more new things all the time. At Toys R Us yesterday she picked out the birthday present and card for her good friend, Parker. I told her that we needed to pay the nice lady at the counter before we could leave. Natalie promptly carried the card to the counter and said, "hey lady" to the cashier. The cashier looked a little shocked and then laughed really hard. This is my child. I hope you all have a great week!

Part two a week later...

2008-09-20T22:13:00.006-04:00

In case you were wondering, I have no answer for the following questions:

"Why did God let my son kill himself last night, why yesterday, while my mother is dying and I am waiting to hear back from my doctor to find out if I have a terminal illness too? Why would a loving God do that?"

Insert image here of my pt lying in bed, daughter literally holding the phone in one hand waiting on her doctor to call her and in her other hand is her son's baby book.

The one thing I know, is that the more days go by, the better I know God, the fewer answers I have.

I know who He is. He is love.

However, I don't understand. I won't sugar coat life and I refuse to dress up death. I will not give standard answers.

Sometimes, pain is so deep that even the promise of heaven isn't enough.

I answered her with a question of my own, "do you feel like Job?" I said. She said "yes." I softly said that the one thing about Job is that God walked him through it. I can't imagine the pain, but God was still there. I told her that God would walk with her through this journey. This horrible, awful, mother's worst nightmare journey.

"But why my son? Why now?"

I mustered out, "God agrees with you today...about this...He too calls death an enemy." That's all I had for her. It is an enemy. He conquered it, but until Jesus returns we all face this enemy somehow, someway.

She said, "I don't know if I can believe in God right now."

I told her that was okay.

What else could I have said? She now had her luggage in hand to go to her son's funeral.

What else could I have said?

What else?

I must type these things out so they can get outside of my head. Letting my fingers tell the story on the keyboard somehow stops swirling conversations in my head.

I love God. I love my family. I love my job. Sometimes, I don't understand any of those three things. But love, is always the best.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." I John 4:7

My job is not to have answers. My job is to love others with the love God gives to me.

Regardless of your occupation, that's your job too.

Saturday night musings

2008-09-20T21:34:00.005-04:00

1. I do not live in Mexico, Greece, or Italy. When I am shopping at the mall I would prefer for vendors to stay where they are and allow me to approach them. If you wave something at me, spray something at me, or holler, "lady", I am not going to buy from you. I am not negotiating with you. I have a two year old to chase.

2. The circus is still fun. Natalie wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but after round one of the flying lady, she was in awe. She clapped to the music and giggled. I was more in awe watching her then anything else.

3. At what age do we start laughing when someone else gets hurt? One of the circus acts included a guy who was great on the trampoline. In the beginning, however, he pretended not to be able to get on the trampoline and pretended to fall and get hurt several times. The first time he ran straight into it and fell, everyone, including me, laughed. Natalie put her hands over her head and said, "oh no!" He acted hurt and she cried. He did it again, more crying. She eventually buried her face in my shoulder and shook every time the crowd laughed. I kept saying, "he's not hurt, he's just playing." She kept saying, "oh no!" Part of me is excited for her to understand such moments, but part of me hopes she will never find someone else's pain funny.

4. Why did I think it was funny?

5. Working at hospice is very, very hard. I LOVE this job, but it is hard.

6. Medicare is implementing a ton of changes for every hospice, nation wide. I'm part of our pilot program for implementing all the changes. Prior to a month ago, I was all for national health insurance because not being able to afford private insurance is why I went back to work. After all of these changes, I'm thinking the government shouldn't come anywhere close to my health care. I still need an answer, but I pray for a day where we can all access the health care we need. You know, when we are hurt or sick and it isn't funny because it's real.

7. I don't like piloting anything. It's hard.

8. Coke Zero rocks. I still try to drink lots of water, but once a day, this has become my favorite.

9. I don't think I'm going to go to anymore health fairs. I learned my bad cholesterol was really good (meaning it's low) and I learned my good cholesterol was really bad (meaning it's also really, really low.) I've already been trying to exercise and eat better, now I have more motivation. Thus, I will not attend another one for a while. I don't need extra motivation. :-)

10. My child is funny. She cracks me up all the time. I think with our next child, I will work the first two years then stay home. She is super fun now.

11. I've taught her too well about shopping. She pulled my debit card out this morning and said, "mommy, this for shopping."

12. I still have the best husband in the world. He listens to my sad hospice stories, but forces me to enjoy the rest of life.

13. Life is good.

14. Sleep is wonderful.

15. I am one of those parents. I used to say I wouldn't let my kid watch much tv. And, she doesn't watch much. But last night, I rented a Diego (Dora's cousin) movie. I charged up our portable DVD player. This morning Chris was long gone at 5 am to train for the marathon. At 7 Natalie wakes up, I bring her to my room, turn on the DVD player and let her watch TWO episodes of Diego in my bed while I sleep.

16. I wake up to her saying "and my Mommy!" I look at the screen. Diego has asked them to find all the sleeping animals in the jungle. She was pointing at me.

17. Did I mention that my kid is funny and I love to sleep?

18. Did I mention that I live in a jungle?

Psalm 23

2008-09-09T20:03:00.006-04:00

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."

My first family today lives in a huge mansion. They are a wonderful family, but knowing them has been a great reminder for me. They may not need anything, but there will always and forever be things in this life that no amount of money can fix.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters,he restores my soul.He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

I drive away pondering the long marriage and amazing stories. I drive knowing my next several patients today are not who I originally intended to see. I pray that God will lead me to who He needs me to visit that day. It never ceases to amaze me how He answers that prayer.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

I talked to Chris before I walked in her door. One of our church families is losing a son, dad, brother, uncle, a man today. He fell off his truck. They are all at the hospital and there isn't anything they can do. He's on life support. I walk into my patients home mustering energy and a smile while my heart is hurting for this family. My confused, dear, lady who usually can't speak an entire sentence looks at me and smiles. She then recites Psalm 23 to me, in it's entirety. It's her favorite.

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows."

I didn't know that today I would need to see her more then she would need to see me. God knew my cup was very empty. I left with a hug and kiss from her, filled to overflowing with God's love.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,"

I keep moving, not because it doesn't hurt. Or because it will get better. Not because of an adolescent mentality that it won't happen to us or our families. No. I keep moving because I know goodness and love are following me. And there are people, dying people who need to have goodness and love walk into their homes much more then they need me.

"and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. "

Forever is a long time to dwell. God's house. A mansion. Built all with things that money could never buy. And filled to overflowing with things that death can never take away.

I keep moving because He keeps leading me, on the path to His house.

Wheels on the bus...

2008-09-03T23:28:00.002-04:00

One of the favorites at our house.

God is great

2008-09-01T18:28:00.002-04:00